1/31/06 What's Your Fetish?

Photographer Dana sends Fetish Flip 'N Match. It's like the childrens' game Memory. But with fetishes. So, it's not exactly safe for work. But it is on the Oxygen website. So, then again, it's not exactly unsafe for work either. Within the game, I learned all sorts of new things. Like the definitions of Scoptolagnia and Eproctophilia.

1/30/06 Scales. Moh, Scoville and Richter.

One of my new favorite Podcasts is "The Naked Scientists". It's a British radio show. People will call in during the show to ask questions pertaining to the topic of the day. Then the hosts will ask science trivia questions for some prize. One of their questions referred to The Mohs Scale. The Mohs scale is a scale of hardness. Talc is on the bottom of the scale, being the softest. And a diamond is on top, being the hardest. Well almost on top - diamonds are the hardest naturally occurring material. There are some harder man-made materials.

The Scoville scale is a way to measure the hotness of peppers.

And now onto the Richter Scale. I was taught that the Richter Scale was logarithmic. And I thought that a 6.0 earthquake was 10 times worse than a 5.0. Turns out, the amount of energy released between a 6.0 and a 5.0 is 32 times. For every 1.0 jump, the amount of energy released is 32 times greater. A 6.0 earthquake is the equivalent of 1,000,000 tons of TNT. A 9.0 quake (like the one in Chile in 1960) was the equivalent of 32,000,000,000 tons of TNT.

We're coming up on the end of the month and I began to think for a second - Does January have 30 days or 31? More to the point, is rent due tomorrow or the day after? Then I plotted out the months, remembering that both December/January and July/August are back-to-back 31 day months. Which leaves us with 7 months of 31 days, 4 months of 30 days and 1 month of 28 days. Now, call me crazy here... But why did we need to make February all complicated? What would've been wrong with 5 months of 31 days and 7 months of 30 days? It still adds up. Why take it out on February? Who's in charge here? And how do I get a hold of him?

1/29/06 Magnetic Pole Reversal

Yeah, I think I posted something about this a couple of years back. But it's all I have right now. The magnetic poles on earth are starting to reverse. Maybe. It's just gotten a whole lot weaker in the past couple centuries. Nobody is really sure what that means. Except that Mars may have had an atmosphere. And, due to its weakened magnetic field, the entire atmosphere got blown away, voiding it of life.

My dad sends "Who Cries for the Pinata?"

1/28/06 Space Elevator

Here's a picture from the space elevator. It doesn't exist yet. But one day it might.

Apparently my neighbors in Irvine, CA are about to unlock extra dimensions.

It's hard to believe anything you read on the internet. Most of what I post on this blog included. On top of that list should be the top 10 censored stories of 2005.

In order to make this post bipartisan and of fair use and whatever political/legal term you want. Here are some conservative t-shirts.

1/27/06 Brilliant Marketing

I'm going to share a story that shows how customer service can go a real long way. I brought my 7 year old car to the local dealership yesterday. There's a real faint grinding sound between gears, so I figured I might finally need to get a transmission flush. One of the mechanics drove the car. While he did, the service manager looked up my car and let me know that I haven't had some of the recall work done. He said he'd just take care of it. I asked him if I would need new transmission fluid. He said no, that it would be a waste of time and money. That, if there's a problem, they'll have to replace the transmission. I definitely didn't want to hear that. And I started to not trust the guy. Of course he was going to want to replace an expensive transmission. That's how these guys get paid, right? It's a shame I started to distrust him - he seemed so helpful and friendly to begin with.

So, I calmly asked how much that would cost. I figured if it was too much, I'd start maybe looking at getting another car. "Normally it's about $4500. But they extended your transmission warranty, so it's free." Umm. What? You're giving me a new transmission for free? My car's more than 7 years old. "And we'll take care of all of the recall fixes for you. No charge."

The mechanic came back and verified that I needed a new transmission. The manager then rolled up in a 2005 version of my car with XM Radio and all the bells and whistles. He just said, "Make sure to fill up the tank when you bring the car back. We should have your new transmission by Monday or Tuesday. I'll call and let you know."

So, onto the brilliant marketing. I am now driving a new version of my car. And it rules. On top of it, the guy there took super great care of me and my car. When I get 1999 model car back next week, it's probably going to seem like such a disappointment compared to the car I have for the weekend. Is this going to tempt me into buying a new car? Sure. Is it going to leave me with a great impression of the dealership? Absolutely. Does this work on other people? You bet.

On a side note, I was toying with XM radio this morning. I spent 20 minutes looking for the new Howard Stern show (Just out of curiosity. I had to compare it to the old show). Then my morning coffee finally kicked in and I was reminded that there's a difference between XM and Sirius radio. So again, I'm retarded. After flipping through 200 channels, I realized I wasn't going to find it. So there you have it. Brilliant marketing by both the car company and by XM radio. Sometimes a little customer service goes a long way.

I'm a big fan of Albert Einstein. Yeah, he's dead, I know. I'm of fan of his life. And I found a neat collection of his quotes. Here are a few:

• "He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder."
• "My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."
• "Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."
• "Imagination is more important than knowledge."
• "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."
• "A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."

1/26/06 Buddha on the Brain

As promised, here is the article about the Dalai Lama and his speech titled "The Neuroscience of Meditation." I was surprised to learn that the Dalai Lama is a big fan of science. And some scientists, in turn, are fascinated with the Dalai Lama. East meets West?

In an experiment with 2 meditating groups - Buddhist monks and a control group of college students, "The monks produced gamma waves that were 30 times as strong as the students'. In addition, larger areas of the meditators' brains were active, particularly in the left prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for positive emotions."

British scientists claim that liquorice is good for teeth. Yes. Of course they would.

I keep reading that Kevin Federline (K-Fed) is a douchebag and a no talent ass clown. I know very little about him, so it's really unfair to pass along that judgment without some evidence. So here - Judge for yourself.

Here's a list of 176 movie sequels that are preliminarily (did I just make up that word?) in the works. Some of the ones that caught my attention were:

• Seriously Dude, Where's My Car?
• Police Academy 8
• Goonies 2
• Death Race 3000

1/25/06 Party of Five

Years ago I remember catching bits and pieces of the TV show "Party of Five". The little girl on that show was SO annoying. Well, that "little girl" was on Celebrity Poker Showdown. She's gone from SO annoying to SO FRIGGIN' HOT.

What do diseases and the circulation of currency have in common? This.

I read something really cool today about the Dali Lama and him letting scientists monitor his brainwave activity. I think I bookmarked it at work and I'll post it tomorrow.

1/24/06 IP Spotting

Curious about your IP address? Want to know how important it is? Yeah, didn't think so.

Two days ago I mentioned caffeine. Well, I was bored as usual today. So I whipped out my slide rule and made some calculations. (Note: I do not, nor have I ever, owned a slide rule). The average American ingests 300 mg of caffeine per day (According to some site that I can no longer find). So, I was wondering, how many caffeine molecules that is. The chemical makeup of caffeine is C8H10N4O2 with an atomic weight of 194.19. With the help of Avogadro's Number and a little high school chemistry stoichiometry, I figured it to be somewhere around 93,000,000,000,000,000,000 caffeine molecules per day. (Note 2: I really don't remember how to do stoichiometry correctly. I have very little confidence that my answer is correct. I'm sure that Mr. Abrams will gladly give us the correct answer).

Chemistry homework for tonight: A gallon of water weighs 8.33 pounds. How many water (H2O) molecules are in that gallon? (For the super nerds out there - assume that it's only water. No minerals or anything).

Hint #1: The molecular weight of water is 18.015. If that scares you, just use 18.

Hint #2: 1 kilogram = 2.2 pounds.

1/23/06 Legalized Cheating

Some teachers are allowing their middle school students to use Google and other search engines to look up answers during homework and tests. Amazing. Schools actually reflecting the real world? Allowing the students to use all of the tools at their disposal to research and learn? Wow. I underestimated the public school system after all.

1/22/06 Caffeine

Caffeine consists of Hydrogen, Carbon, Nitrogen and Oxygen. That's it. It's so simple, yet it such an integral part of so many of our lives. There's some real hot lady, posing as a nurse telling us to stop drinking so many caffeinated beverages. If she made the effort to personally convince me to give up caffeine, there would definitely be quite a bit more motivation on my part. Alas, I still can't seem to give it up completely.

1/21/06 Big Bucks... No Whammies... Annnnddd... STOP!

Sosa signed a 1 year, $2.2 million contract. Jorge Sosa, that is. Sammy still can't find a suitor for his decrepit, post-steroid shell of his former self.

1/20/06 DMV

I hate the DMV. Absolutely hate it. If hate were people, China wouldn't be big enough for my hatred of the DMV. I've lived in this state for 14 months now and still have yet to register my car. 12 months were due to lack of initiative. But the last 2 months, I've really kicked it into gear. And I still can't get the sucker registered. It's that kind of anger you feel when you get all of your money in pre flop with aces and lose. You just wait patiently for hours, waiting for the opportune moment to make your move. Then, after all of your waiting, the moment arises and you take it. Only to have your dreams crushed 30 seconds later by some jackass you don't even know.

From the "I could teach you, but I'd have to charge" files: My milkshake brings all the boys to the morgue.

My brother told me about this. He told me he wasn't kidding. But it still sounded like a bad SNL commercial. So I looked it up for myself. Sure enough, he really wasn't joking. He told me about some new "medicine" that is supposed to be able to remove traumatic memories. This could be used for hurricane victims and soldiers amongst others. I'm going to refrain from commenting on how ridiculous I believe this to be. I really don't want to subject you to a 500 word rant. Combine this with my day at the DMV and nobody would be leaving here happy.

Alright - we're going to head into the weekend on a positive note. First Sigur Ros. Now this. What *can't* Iceland do? Iceland is definitely moving up my "Favorite Nation Status" list. Not that I have one. But I'm starting one now. And Iceland is on it. In fact, that should be a new icebreaker question. Instead of "What kind of music do you like?" or "Which movies have you seen lately?", we should ask each other "What are your 10 favorite nations in descending order and why?". I bet you could learn a lot about someone if they answered that question. Sure, it's a big *if*. But if he/she didn't run away immediately, you'd probably get into a pretty neat conversation.

1/19/06 DVR

DVR is slowly destroying me. I've had it for a month. For 1/3 of that month I wasn't even at home. So I've really had it for about 20 days. In those 20 days, I'm going to venture to guess that I've easily watched 100 hours of TV. Ok, 5 hours a day might be pushing it, but it's been a lot. At the rate I'm going, I'll surpass my total TV watching for 2005 in about 3 more weeks.

This week alone (Since Monday) I've watched the first 2 episodes of "24 "(4 hours), a documentary on Abraham Lincoln (3 hours), 2 episodes of celebrity poker (3 hours), 2 episodes of PTI (1 hour), and a few cartoons like The Simpsons, South Park and The Family Guy (maybe 2 hours. Maybe more. I can't keep track any longer). That's 13 hours of TV in 3 nights. That's wrong. That's terrible. That doesn't even count the basketball I watched in the gym while working out last night. It's to the point where, when I come home, it's like I have homework to do. And my homework is to watch my recorded shows.

In conclusion, if you see me starting to lose my mind. It's most likely because of DVR. In that case, please, please return it to the cable company on my behalf.

It's a good thing I don't have DVR in the bathroom. Otherwise I would never read anymore. While I'm still reading that book about the genome, I'll probably keep posting little tidbits I find interesting.

Today's fact is about Telomeres. You know how your DNA is a long, double-helix, almost like a zipper? And when the DNA divides, it unzips in half and combines to make another double-helix? Well, telomeres are the caps on either end of the strand of DNA. It's like an aglet (the plastic tip) on your shoelace that keeps the shoelace from fraying. Each time a cell divides, part of the telomere is lost. Which is why the number of times a cell can be replaced in a human body is limited and why you age and die.

Due to exponential growth, the number of times each cell needs to divide in order to create a human body is under 50. After 47 cell divisions, there are more than 100 trillion cells. This, in part, is how your DNA can stay in tact. Sadly, most cells cannot divide many more times due to the limited length of the telomeres.

Sticking with the topic of science, Einstein's most famous equation, E=Mc^2, has been challenged. Scientists are proposing that the speed of light has decreased since the beginnings of the universe. Which could explain the inflationary expansion of the universe in the first seconds after the big bang. (That wasn't in the article. I came up with that one all by myself. Boy, I hope my parents are proud of me and my misguided knowledge.)

1/18/06 Pig Vomit

Ok, I learned something today. Paul Giamatti, the actor from Sideways and Private Parts and The Negotiator (very underrated movie, by the way)... He's the son of former baseball commissioner, Bart Giamatti. Bart Giamatti is most famous for sentencing Pete Rose to a lifetime ban from baseball. He died 8 days later. Not Pete Rose. He's still alive and bitter.

Staying on the baseball topic, Jim Caple writes a great article about Cuba and the World Baseball Classic.

I found a pretty neat article predicting the next economic boom/bust cycle. According to this guy, get your money into the stock market now. And get it out in 2010. Then pray you're not part of the 15% unemployment.

1/17/06 Top Ten Satire News Stories of 2005

Here are some pretty good satire news stories from 2005.

Hopefully I'll have more time later to post something I actually learned.

1/16/06 Mike Tyson's Punch Out. Starring Don Flamenco.

This just rules. If you played Mike Tyson's Punchout like I did growing up, hopefully you'll find this at least half as funny as I did.

This poor dog. It's probably the only dog dumber than my own.

In one episode of the Simpsons, Lisa says something about adding up the clues and you'll be able to figure out which state Springfield is supposed to be in. So, I searched on it and found this. (scroll down about 2/3 of the way for the answer(s).)

How can you tell that a dining room set sold on eBay is being sold by a man?

John Digweed. Huh huh.

1/15/06 I Ain't No Expert

Ok, take what I said about the Bears and change it to the Panthers, I was pretty much right there. Instead of Rex Grossman throwing for 300+ yards and 3 TDs, make that Jake Delhomme. And instead of the Bears winning in a high scoring affair, change it to the Panthers. Yup, I got everything wrong.

Perhaps if Ron Rivera taught the Bears' secondary to run and chew bubble gum at the same time, they might be playing again next week. And why they didn't have 2 guys on Steve Smith every play is beyond me. What a terrible way to go out.

Sticking with the "I ain't no expert" theme, some guy solved the Rubik's Cube in 11.13 seconds. Which is 1000% faster than I ever solved it.

1/15/06 Sports Experts

You know how most sports experts are pretty much full of it? Both of the football games today were scoreless well into the second quarter. So much for high powered offenses and Tom Brady and all of the crap we've been hearing all week.

This leads me to my prediction for tomorrow: Chicago Bears 42, Carolina Panthers 38. You heard it here first. Rex Grossman throws for 352 yards and 3 TDs.

1/13/06 What Celebrity Do You Look Like?

Google Nicki back sending fun links. Today is facial recognition software. You can upload a picture and it will tell you which celebrity you most resemble. The first time I ran it, I got Greg Louganis. Ummm. I guess I was tan in the picture. But I've never been mistaken for Greg Louganis. It's definitely a good time waster.

I learned yesterday that I live maybe a mile from the Orange County Museum of Art. Thanks to Georgetown Leah for introducing me to the museum and the crazy exhibit of John Waters.

1/12/06 Mario 64

I miss Mario 64. This video brought back good memories. Of when I was a younger loser.

I was watching the South Park where they play the "Brown Note" with Kenny G and Yoko Ono. Which led the Nacho Expert and me on a hunt for a sound file of that note. Nothing yet. It's really a myth as far as I know. But it would rule to try it.

All of the songs from The Family Guy. Too bad they don't have video too.

1/11/06 Ice Is Nice!

"It is possible to synthesize excited bromide in an argon matrix! Yes, it’s an excimer, frozen in its excited state … As soon as we apply a field, we couple to a state that is radiatively coupled to the ground state" - Chris Knight, "Real Genius"

A few weeks ago I wrote a little about global warming and the book "State of Fear". The overriding theme is that very little is known about global warming. Case in point - Methane is considered to be one of the largest contributors to global warming. And what contributes 10 to 30 percents of all methane? No, not your butt (I'm sure it's a close 2nd). It's plants. Somehow this has gone overlooked until just recently.

Whole Foods is going to feed all of its energy needs with wind power.

1/10/06 How Bees Fly

I'm sure you've spent countless nights losing sleep, pondering the question - "How do bees fly?". Well, your sleepless nights are over. They flap their wings at a constant 230 beats per second. In order to compensate for heavy cargo, such as pollen, they extend their wings, much like a racecar shifting into higher gear.

NASA took pictures of Area 51 back in 1968. They also made the picture public domain.

Can sonograms harm the unborn baby? Maybe. It may actually promote left-handedness.

Speaking of the womb, I am reading a book called "Genome" by Matt Ridley. Highly recommended. One of the more fascinating studies in the book is that for each older brother a male has, he is 1/3 more likely to be gay. (Note: 1/3 more is equivalent to the difference between 3 and 4 percent chance). There is no correlation for having sisters, or for women becoming lesbians. Turns out that there's some immune system mechanism in the womb that wards off some antigens in the Y chromosome of the developing male. The mother's immune system shuts down part of the male fetus required for full masculine development. Or so I understand from the book. Now I more fully understand why my brother's a wuss. (Just kidding, dude. I mean, yeah, you're a wuss. But you're a married wuss. Which is way better than what I'm doing).

1/9/06 Nutrasweet. The Revenge.

Imagine some non-descript office that is attempting to institute some "Healthy Option" campaign. Old vending machines are replaced with new ones. The soda machine is replaced with a new one. (Note: I have started saying soda since moving out west. I am very ashamed of the change. Very ashamed. It's as though my entire self-worth has been compromised by simply changing one word in my vocabulary. I think I just got tired of getting into the pop vs. soda conversation.) Ok, the soda machine has been replaced. The new machine now offers the following. Water. Juice. Diet Soda. If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know how much I dislike Nutrasweet (Scroll about 1/3 of the way down for health risks. Included on the list is "weight gain"). Now imagine that the aforementioned company is in the health care industry. In a simple attempt to institute a "Healthy Option" campaign, a health care company is openly promoting a toxic substance as a "Healthy Option". For legal reasons, I can't say whether or not this office really exists or whether or not I work there. Why do I tend to distrust big companies and big organizations and bureaucracy? This would be one example of why.

From the "Stats are pulled out of our ass" department - Baltimore is named America's Fittest City according to Men's Fitness Magazine. Click over to page two, and "Rival magazine Men's Health had a different take on Baltimore. In its current issue, the magazine ranks Baltimore 93rd on its list of the "100 Best Cities for Men," with grades of "F" in health and quality of life and "C+" in fitness."

I'm actually in a real good mood - It's just that the things I learned today seem to be real negative. So, to keep with the theme, here's the history of Social Security Numbers.

On my way to work today, traffic came to a crawl. It had all of the telltale signs of an accident. It was. There was a white SUV (think OJ) in the carpool lane. It was perpendicular to the flow of traffic with the front ended sticking out towards the other lanes. Oh, and it was upside down. The top crushed and windows all smashed. I couldn't find a study, but personally, I've seen the aftermath of more horrific accidents in Southern California than any other place in the U.S. I'd be willing to guess that the accident injury/mortality rate is pretty high out here.

The results of the 5k I ran yesterday are here. Notes to anyone checking on my time:

1. I didn't cross the start line until almost a minute in. They didn't compensate for that.
2. Not that it matters. I was beat by at least 2 moms pushing those 3 wheeled strollers.
3. An 11 year old girl ran it twice as fast as I did.
4. A 67 year old guy finished less than 2 minutes behind that girl.
5. It was still a personal best for me. And I'm very proud of it.
6. Out of all of my aches and pains today, my right bicep hurts the most. Don't ask. I have no idea.

1/8/06 Me5k

I ran my race today. I finished. I didn't die. And I set a personal best. By far. Most importantly, I fared a little better than this guy.

If you're wondering about the World Series of Poker events for 2006, here they are.

1/5/06 The World's Largest Prime Number

Researchers have announced the largest known prime number. I'm not really sure why this is exciting, but it is. It's a Mersenne Prime Number, which (if you're not into numbers or math, just move on) is 2^(some prime number) - 1. This new Prime Number is 2^30,402,457 - 1. The resulting number is over 9.1 million digits long.

For the extra-mathematically inclined, I also stumbled upon the Twin Prime Conjecture, too. Prime numbers sometimes come in pairs (one number apart) and there are an infinite number of Twin Primes. Like 17 and 19. And 41 and 43. The key here is that, even though these twin primes continue to be found, nobody has yet proven it true. Potentially also of interest is that there is no way to predict prime numbers through an equation. Some internet security is based on the unpredictability of prime numbers. So, you know, in your free time you can figure out the equation that will bring down modern civilization as we know it.

For people who are still basking in the glory of the White Sox World Series, you can take pictures of the World Series Trophy this month and next.

John Cage wrote a song called ASLSP (As SLow aS Possible) in 1985 and transcribed it for the organ in 1987. The song is being performed now. The song began on September 5th, 2001. It will end in the year 2639. "The first year and half of the performance was total silence, with the first chord -- G-sharp, B and G-sharp -- not sounding until February 2, 2003." On Thursday, the second chord change will occur.

Nothing like spending four years carefully preparing for 21,630-kilometer trip and crashing into islands 21,600 kilometers short of your goal.

1/4/06 18 Tricks to Teach Your Body

In a rarity, MSN is the source for my first post. They write 18 Tricks to Teach Your Body. Like how to clear a stuffed nose without the use of medicine, how to prevent near sightedness and how to get rid of brain freeze (and why it happens).

Much like humans, whales have been found to speak in dialects. Bloody 'ell.

1/3/06 The Panama Canal

We never really had our proper end-of-year goodbye. Nor did we have a proper Happy New Year. I hope you had yourself a nice holiday and took some time off to do whatever it is that you enjoy doing.

I'm back and will be posting again in full force. While on vacation, I vowed to write an entire post about the history of the Panama Canal. While I won't write about it tonight, it was quite an experience going through the locks of the canal and seeing it firsthand.

More tomorrow.

12/20/05 U.S. Torture

So, the U.S. military is using torture. That's pretty bad, right? Well, you probably didn't know how bad it really is.

12/19/05 The 10 Most Puzzling Ancient Artifacts

I saved the link to The 10 Most Puzzling Ancient Artifacts last week. I forgot about it over the weekend, but checked it out again today. If it's at all true, it's cool as hell. In general, the artifacts bring into question the chronology of human history as we know it. My favorite one is the Dropa Stones. (Note: Everything I say from here on out is from the article. I have NO idea if it's true). The Dropa Stones are 10,000 to 12,000 years old and were found in the Himalayas in China. The stones are circles that are 9 inches in diameter and appear to be ancient phonograph records. "The spiral groove, it turns out, is actually composed of tiny hieroglyphics that tell the incredible story of spaceships from some distant world that crash-landed in the mountains."

Check out these pictures from the Library of Congress - America in Color, 1939-1943.

12/18/05 Things My Grandma Taught Me

My Grandma Evelyn called me today. She was talking about the traveling she did in her youth and mentioned going to Catalina Island. To which I responded, "Wow. You know I can see Catalina out my window?" (Ok, I really can't see it out MY window, but if I walk outside I can see it). She said, "Yeah. The Cubs used to have their spring training there". To which I responded, "What?". "Yeah, it's not like they always played in Arizona. Wrigley used to own the island." Wow. I had no idea.

When I'm a grandpa, I'll be telling my grandkids - "When I was your age, we used to let the president spy on us. And we liked it!"

If you're white, you have a genetic mutation.

Nobel Laureate on string theory - "We don't know what we are talking about".

12/17/05 Mr. Wong's Apartment

Check out Mr. Wong's Apartment. It's the biggest virtual apartment on the internet. (I can't prove for sure that it's the biggest, but I challenge you to prove otherwise.)

Sorry that I've been lame and late on my posts lately. I've just been busy. And here's some fair warning. Between Thursday and the end of the year, I can pretty much guarantee that I'll be offline. We can have some teary goodbye on Wednesday evening if we so choose.

Nancy sends Simon Sez Santa. It's like that Burger King chicken or the virtual bartenders. Let me know if you can make him do something fun. I haven't had much time to play with it yet. My favorite so far is "knock over the sign". Wait, I lied. "knock over the tree" is better.

I was watching some rerun of SNL where Will Ferrell came back to host. Queens of the Stone Age were performing their one song I know. And Will came out to play cow bell. Classic.

12/14/05 Icing the Kicker

As a kid, I remember my teaching me the rules of baseball and football. My first exposure to the psychology of sports occurred when the defensive team called timeout with 3 seconds left in the game and the clock already stopped. This, as we all know, is called "Icing the kicker". My dad explained it to me in simple terms - "They're making him think about the kick for a long time." At the time, I couldn't quite grasp the entire concept, but as I grew up it sunk in. Teams almost always follow the "icing the kicker" rule of thumb. Always made sense to me. Turns out, it might have the opposite effect.

Eww. Eww. Eww. There's no way this true. Not a chance. Right? Please tell me this isn't true.

Speaking of family matters - Like father, like daughter.

12/13/05 Riots in Australia

My buddy, Nigel, IMed me from Sydney tonight. He told me a little bit about the crazy rioting going on there. He says that the police are scared.

When I first started this "Something I learned today", I wrote about Air Conditioning and how it could bring world peace. Well, I'm not particularly proud of that idea anymore. The same idea is #1 on a list of "10 stoner ideas for bringing peace to Iraq".

Hawk in the Apartment

I tend to get really bored while driving. So, I end up entertaining myself on my way to work in the morning. My newest project is setting up and decorating my apartment. So, I've spent the last few days brainstorming creative ways to make my apartment feel like home, yet still be presentable for guests.

In my early morning, just waking up haze, an idea popped into my head. I would love to have a recording of Hawk Harrelson saying "He Gone!" every time somebody leaves my apartment. "Alright man, see ya later". "HE GONE!"

So I went with the theme for a few minutes. And it clicked. Why not have Hawk recordings all over the apartment? Just about everything he says is appropriate in all aspects of life. If you stretch your imagination. Think about it for a second before reading on.

"Before we show you our picks to click for tonight you at home select yours"





Here's what I've come up with so far:

The Bathroom (the toilet specifically) -

• "He's got 2 ducks on the pond"
• "There's a Hang Wif 'Em"
• "Zone him in, reel him in, and light him up"
• "Cinch it up and hunker down"
• When things aren't coming out right - "C'mon. Ball four, base hit"
• and when you're done, "GAS! He gone!"

On the Computer -

• "I LOVE email"

In the kitchen -

• "Can of corn"

On Poker Night

• "Rack Em Up!"
• When you catch a bad beat - "Mercy!"

The Bedroom (in case I ever find myself a girlfriend) -

• On the good nights - "Get up... Stretch... He looks up... You can put it on the booooaaard... YES!"
• On the bad nights - "You can cancel the postgame show".
• Or worse, "Right size, wrong shape"

Other ideas? "Duck snort"? "A big crooked number on the board"? "Sit back, relax and strap it down"? "Souvenir, right side"? "I love it when you analyze"? "Pick to click"?

12/12/05 Global Warming

The book "State of Fear" by Michael Crichton came highly recommended recently. So I picked it up and started reading. The plan was to read just enough to determine if I like it. And if I did, then I would save it for my holiday vacation at the end of the month. I liked it too much and kept reading the last couple of days. I'm no more than 25% through the book (I read at a 3rd grade level, I think), so I really can't ruin anything. However, one of the main ideas is that the evidence and correlations we take for granted about global warming may not be accurate.

Most of us have learned that the average global temperature over the past 100 years has gone up by 1.8 degrees Fahrenheit. This has led to glaciers melting and sea levels rising. Common knowledge tells us that the root is the increase in CO2 levels over the past 100 years. This is the picture of the greenhouse effect that I'm aware of. Common knowledge. Simple stuff. We all get it.

The book presents real evidence to the contrary. Supposedly, Michael Crichton spent 3 years researching the topic (he's known for his due diligence with his research). Since I haven't had a thing to do at work all day, I decided to do a little investigating. The most fascinating relationship between the temperature on Earth and another factor is - Solar Activity. When you hear about "solar flares" and "sun spots", that means there is an increase in solar activity. "When sunspots increase, the amount of radiation from the sun increases. Thus, earth receives more energy from the sun"

Solar cycles repeat approximately every 11 years. Every 22 year the magnetic poles on the sun reverse, causing this cycle.

Based on these findings, solar activity this century will peak around 2046. The site claims to have solar data starting in 1614 (really?). "The almost total lack of solar activity between 1645 and 1715 corresponds to the well-known mini ice age of that period, when the Thames froze for several winters to a depth of 10 feet and Frost Festivals were held on it."

Just something to chew on for today. Personally, I am still of the opinion that man-made CO2 emissions are nasty. And regardless of whether they contribute to global warming, they definitely contribute to health problems and should be done away with as quickly as possible.

Remember Pro Wrestling for the original Nintendo? That game ruled. My least favorite guy was Fighter Hayabusa. He had some special "back brain kick" that, when you missed your opponent, you'd lie on the ground and be open to a beating.

From the Planes, Trains and Automobiles Files: "YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!"

I challenge any drummer to try and play Lateralus. And I challenge any non-drummer to listen to the song and follow along.

12/9/05 RSS Feeds on Toilet Paper

This is for the technologically proficient - You can now get RSS Feeds printed on toilet paper.

Having solved all other crime, the State of Illinois has moved onto the important issues.

Drilling a 3 km deep hole into the San Andreas fault. What could possibly go wrong?

From the "Only in California Files": The next race for governor may be The Terminator vs. Mad Max.

Another fact spawned by listening to my iPod. I have "Stairway to Heaven" backwards on the iPod. Some people say they hear "My sweet Satan" and "666". I was looking for the lyrics that people claim they hear and good old Wikipedia popped up. Here's the page on backwards messages.

Mike sends a page you can use the next time you're at a meeting at work. It's called Bullshit Bingo. "Before each meeting, visit Bullshit Bingo and print one copy of this game card for each player, refreshing the page before each print, or have the players print their own BS Bingo cards... Check off each block when you hear these words during a meeting, seminar, or phone call. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout BULLSHIT!!"

12/8/05 Da Coach

Cousin Eric sends a great video of Ditka.

Here's some game with a spinning wrench or something.

In case you were wondering, I checked the crazy, drunk Italian on the registered sex offender website. He didn't come up. And the whole moral of the story - I was joking about the Italian thing. In general, they're pretty cool. Part of my family is Italian. Hence the joke. Cousin Eric offered some good advice. He writes, "Next time you offer to help someone with their groceries, make sure it's a hot girl". I can always count on Cousin Eric to set me straight. No pun intended. Cousin Eric has also set a record, being mentioned 4 times now in one post (including this sentence).

Pearl Harbor Day

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

12/7/05 The Top Sports Franchises

ESPN polled 30,000 fans to determine the top sports franchises (MLB, NBA and NFL). I usually post this just to prove how sad Chicago sports are. But the times seem to be changing a little bit.

The categories they used to determine the rankings are:

BNG (Bang for the Buck): Revenues directly from fans divided by wins in the past three years
FRL (Fan Relations): Ease of access to players, coaches & management
OWN (Ownership): Honesty; loyalty to players and city
AFF (Affordability): Price of tickets, parking and concessions
STD (Stadium Experience): Friendliness of environment; quality of game-day promotions
PLA (Players): Effort on the field; likability off it
CCH (Coach/Manager): Strong on-field leadership
CHA (Championships): Titles already won or expected -- soon

The San Antonio Spurs topped the list. In Chicago news, the White Sox came in at #13, ranking high in Fan Relations, Affordability, Players, and Coach/Manager. The Bears and Bulls are #43 and #44. The Cubs ranked #73, just behind the Pittsburgh Pirates, Detroit Lions and the New Jersey Nets. Their Stadium Experience ranks 5th overall. So, that settles the debate once and for all. People like going to Wrigley Field.

Sticking with the sports theme, CBS will offer live, On Demand broadcasts of March Madness. Office network admins start crapping their pants.

Note: Do not play poker online when someone is shooting at your DSL.

A legal battle over lyrics on the internet. God, I hate corporations. If hate were people, I'd be China.

12/6/05 Google's Ten Golden Rules

Google has a list of their 10 Golden Rules. Rule #8 - Don't be evil. Good one. They were actually pretty nice about not hiring me last year.

Beethoven had lead poisoning - "a possible cause for his dour demeanor". "Lead poisoning can lead to headaches, fatigue, concentration problems and other health issues." Death by heavy metal.

12/5/05 Harold and Kumar

That's no way for a man to die. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go.

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Now I'm back to drinking coffee AND alcohol.

2005 Sportsman of the Year - Jose Canseco?

Yes, video games can influence kids. But not in the way you might think.

12/4/05 And the Record for Total Number of Santas Running 4.5 Miles While Yo-Yoing is...

4600.

12/3/05 Some Guy Dancing All Over the World

This is just really cool. It's some guy doing some dance in different locations all over the world.

I searched Google Video for "Nachos". I got this. Too bad the Swedish Chef isn't narrating. (Note: I have no idea what language the nacho clip is in. If you know, please let me know. It was close enough to Swedish for me).

Cousin Jeff sent this article about a pretty hardcore Bar Mitzvah.

True story - My senior year high school English teacher once told our class that "the way you sneeze is the way you orgasm". Yes, I had a cool English teacher. A few of my friends have recently told me that they had a crush on her. As a tribute to Ms. (I won't reveal your last name) - What your sneeze says about you.

To my techno-geek friends. Here's a way to take care of your techno-geek kids.

Nancy sends The Italian-American Teddy Bear. You need your speakers on to appreciate it.

12/2/05 The 15 Richest Fictional Characters

Somebody at Forbes was really bored lately. They wrote an article about the 15 richest fictional characters. Topping the list is Santa Claus. He's followed by Richie Rich, Daddy Warbucks and Scrooge McDuck.

And you thought *you* were having a bad day.

More later. Maybe.

12/1/05 Harvester of Sorrow

Welcome back Paulie. We're thrilled to see you stay.

What's the difference between White and Red?

Happy December. I will now formally acknowledge the holiday season.

Coffee improves short term memory and speeds up reaction times. Damn it. Maybe I won't give it up after all.

Now onto the National Security portion of our segment:

Los Alamos: 600-plus pounds of Plutonium unaccounted for. Doc and Marty detained for questioning. Claim is was the Libyans.

Airline Security of waste of cash.

Super bonus points: Why is this post titled "Harvester of Sorrow"? (Nacho Expert, you are banned from answering for at least 24 hours since I'm pretty sure you know). All others - I'll entertain guesses.

11/30/05 Underwater Poker

The first underwater poker game is sent by, none other than, Poker Jason.

Bands That Name Songs After Themselves

Random thought. What's with bands that have hit songs that are named after the band? Shouldn't this be illegal? Shouldn't the RIAA quit going after kids who download music and spend their time and efforts more wisely on this? This has to be the gayest form of self promotion I can think of. Yes, I wrote "gayest". Since it is the only word that properly describes my feelings about this.

Like Bad Company singing "Bad Company".

Company Always on the run
Destiny is the rising sun
Oh I was born 6-gun in my hand
Behind a gun I'll make my final stand
That's why they call me
Bad company
And I can't deny
Bad company
Till the day I die
Till the day I die
Till the day I die

(Skip to the end here)

Yeah
We're Bad company
Kill in cold blood

"Kill in cold blood"? Yeah, you guys *are* bad.


Same goes for Rammstein singing "Rammstein".

Rammstein
Ein Mensch brennt
Rammstein
Fleischgeruch liegt in der Luft
Rammsteinein
Kind stirbt
Rammsteindie Sonne scheint

(I just felt like putting something in German in my blog). But the translation is pretty much along the lines of Bad Company. It's like "Rammstein. We're bad ass. Rammstein. Yeah that's right. Rammstein. Lick our sacks." (Alright, not exactly. But close enough).

Others I can think of off the top of my head:

• Black Sabbath
• Damn Yankees
• Bo Diddley
• The Monkees (singing "Hey hey we're the Monkees")

I'm now boycotting any band that does this.

Oh, look what I found. Good ol' wikipedia.

11/29/05 Cheap Oil for the Poor

Cheap oil for the poor in the U.S. You'd think that would make people happy, right? Well, Washington's not happy. In part because the oil is coming from Venezuelan president, Hugo Chavez. Stories like this make me laugh.

Bowling rules.

11/28/05 Mr. Miyagi

I know. Three days without a post. Let's just chalk it up to turkey coma and traveling.

To honor the passing of Pat Morita, The Sports Guy writes about the Karate Kid trilogy. (Note to Cousin Jeff - I know that it was originally written in 2002).

Deja Vu?

I SAID... PASS THE MASHED POTATOES!!!

I know this is going to come as a shock to you. Brace yourself. "Experts say flu fears over wild birds over-stated".

I don't know if this really works (since I don't have speakers in the office). But it looks like Pandora will make a radio station based on a band or song you like.

Deja Vu?

11/25/05 The Mystery of Beer Goggles - Solved

Having eliminated all crime and having cured cancer, scientists have now unlocked the greatest remaining mystery. Beer Goggles.

In some very sad news, Mr. Miyagi died today. Wax on. Wax off.

11/24/05 Happy Thanksgiving

Did you know that the day we celebrate as Thanksgiving was supposed to be a fast?
The truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing. But it hurts.

11/23/05 Dish Texas

Charlotte Dan reminded me about the article he sent a couple of years back about people named Dunlop. I forget exactly what happened, but the good people of Dunlop paid people to change their name from Dunlop to Dunlop Tire or something like that. Well, Charlotte Dan is back for more. This time an entire town has changed its name from Clark, Texas to Dish, Texas. They get free Dish Network for 10 years. Anyone who moves there will also get the same deal. I hear the guy who founded the town (Clark) isn't real happy about the decision.

In case you're in 8th grade and your science class is having a paper airplane competition. Here's how to make the perfect paper airplane.

11/22/05 Angry Alien Productions

We've been begging for it. And now we have it. 30-second movie overviews done by cartoon bunnies. Thanks Mike.

Kobayashi retains his throne by eating 67 hamburgers. No word on how often he's used it since.

11/21/05 Hey You Guys!

Somebody blogged about the Goonies 20 year reunion. Sweet.

Now *this* is an idea. Let's put all of that CO2 we've been pumping into the atmosphere back where it came from. No, not your butt, that's methane. But rather where the oil came from. There are large empty caverns where the oil used to be.

Search Google for DSC00001.JPG - Check out people's photos.

Have I mentioned how much I love The Family Guy?

11/19/05 TV Theme Songs

This is pretty funny. There are old sitcom intros with songs from other sitcoms. Like ALF with the Survivor song. And the Real Ghostbusters cartoon with Sanford and Son.

Remember that nutty Norwegian band from the other day that sings Total Eclipse of the Heart with kitchen appliances? They have a website. They're called Hurra Torpedo. And they're on tour in the US. Given my history, it's quite possible that I'm the only person who didn't already know about this.

It's about freaking time.

Both Mike the Nacho Expert sent this probably 2 weeks ago. At least. Yes, it is cool, guys. My bad for forgetting to post it.

All Your Base are Belong to us. Rhapsody.

11/18/05 Greetings, Professor Falken

How about a nice game of chess?

Kids today have the coolest toys. I can't believe we had to deal with color-less bubbles.

Maxim has come out with its list of "The 25 greatest short dudes of all time". Number 1? AC/DC's Angus Young.

Has anyone else noticed that the baseball free agents signing first all used to play for the White Sox? Tanyon Sturze, Scott Eyre (nice pick up by the Cubs by the way) and Geoff Blum have all signed with teams already. Raul Casanova, however, remains available.

11/17/05 The Ghost of Tom Joad

Within the last 2 weeks, I shifted my music listening into the 21st century and got myself an iPod. The first thing you do when you get an iPod (after freaking out that there's no power cord) is install the iTunes software. One of the first questions it asks you is whether you would like it to search your hard drive for mp3 files. Why yes. That would be lovely. After nearly a decade of amassing odds and ends mp3 files, backing them up on CDs, transferring them from computer to computer, and saving them in various folders all over the place, iTunes finally organized them. I then spent the better part of a Sunday ripping CDs onto my laptop, creating all sorts of duplicate songs. But whatever. At this point, I plugged in my new iPod and it started sucking up every song in that iTunes folder. All 1500 of them, at what seemed like about a song per second. It was amazingly quick.

So now I just sit at work, click "shuffle songs" and listen to my iPod all day. Even I'm shocked at some of the mp3s I have. Just before I started writing this, "The Ghost of Tom Joad" by Rage Against the Machine came on. It's one of those songs I haven't gotten tired of after all these years. That's pretty rare for me. But after all these years, I never decided to learn what the song was about (My bad, I know). I learned 2 things in this search. One - This is a Bruce Springsteen song (again, my bad. I just didn't know). Two - the song is about a character from "The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinbeck. I probably should've known these things before. But hey, I'm the guy that, up until 2003, thought that Spinal Tap was a real 80's hair band.

Once again, CNN is on the spot with breaking news - "Half the homes sold for more than the median and half for less."

My dad, who has a real talent and eye for photography, suggests checking out Liquid Sculpture.

Good Gear Guide

My good friend, Nigel, in Australia asked me to post a link to his new site. So here it is - The Good Gear Guide. He claims to get as many hits in 3 days as I get in a year, so I really don't know how this is going to help him. But hey, he asked, and he got.

Our IM conversation continued like this:

Me: Does it piss you off that that US owns the internet and you have to settle for a .com.au suffix?

Nigel: No. I'm glad the US owns it.

Me: C'mon. A little bit?

Nigel: Those dumbfuck harebrains at the UN should be kept well away. The idiots who are anti-US are just idiots. What are the other options? Pro-china? Pro-Iran? gimme a farking break already.

Me: You're more pro-US than we are

Nigel: Seriously, they piss me off. They sit in a world, ruled by democracy and human rights, using US technology, protected by US security - and then they trash the US without ever saying anything about anyone else. And anyone with intelligence can see that.

So there you have it. A foreigner who thinks more highly of the U.S. than any American I know.

11/16/05 No Thanks. I Already Have Enough Imaginary Friends.

I woke up this morning (as I tend to do every morning) and turned on my computer. These ten minutes online are my only chance to check personal email, IM any friends and family members and do anything fun before I go to firewall purgatory known as my job. This morning as my AOL Instant Messenger was loading up (stop me if you know where this is going) I received a message from AOL stating that they've added two robot IM buddies for me. Why do I need 2 robot friends? I could've added them a long time ago. I chose not to. What are you up to AOL?

I'm giving her all she's got Capt'n.

I've had this business idea for a couple of years. Just about everybody I've shared it with says it's pretty stupid. Except for Cousin Kevin - He always likes to brainstorm new business ideas. The idea was a place where you could relieve stress by hitting and breaking stuff. I wanted to call the place "Serenity Now". I thought it would do well in New York or Chicago near the financial institutions. Without going into details, it was hard to figure out a way to make the place profitable over a long period of time. Well. The Chinese stole my idea. "Students have flocked to the room since it opened eight days ago and hundreds more have booked in, presumably in anticipation of upcoming bouts of fury"

116 of the 200 most profitable law firms have a blue logo.

More proof that the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree - Jong Il's 24-year-old heir Kim Jong Chol has presented an ingenious idea to combat terrorism. "I'd destroy all terrorists with the Hollywood star Jean-Claude Van Damme."

Admittedly I don't keep up with pop culture. I don't watch MTV. Nor do I really care that Jennifer Aniston was named GQ's man of the year. Probably my least favorite part of living in California is the obsession with celebrities and fashion and all of that inane crap. This is why I had no idea that R. Kelly is doing this "Trapped in the Closet" saga. On the radio this morning I heard some song that ends Chapter 9 of this saga. He sings about approaching the cabinet. Looking at the cabinet. Walking toward the cabinet. Opening the cabinet. He says "cabinet" a lot in a 10 second span. And it turns out that there's a midget in the cabinet. And this midget was boning someone's wife, I think. All I know is that I was laughing pretty hard at the insanity of whatever was going on. I'm actually curious what led up to this midget in the cabinet scene. Damnit, now I'm gonna have to buy the DVD.

11/15/05 Steroids - Who Knew?

For those of you who followed my "Fact of the Day" back in 2002 and 2003, you know that I've always spoken out about steroid abuse in the major leagues. It has been a secret in baseball for longer than most of us had ever suspected. ESPN the Magazine has finally broken the silence with their exclusive article - Who Knew? Ironically, the story begins with Pete Rose in Cincinnati in the mid-1980's.

In related news, the Baltimore Orioles have opted to not bring back their steroid user. Same goes for Rafael Palmeiro.

There's still one part of the new MLB steroid policy that bothers me. I haven't seen one article that mentions it either. Why does it take so long from the initial test to the formal announcement when a guy gets caught? When was Palmeiro initially tested? I forget the exact date, but it wasn't after May. He got suspended in August? 3 months later? This means that guys can "roid up" in September, have a monster playoff run, potentially win a World Series, get caught in December and then get suspended for the beginning of the following season. The team will suffer no consequences, keeping its World Series trophy. In my nightmares I fear that one of the White Sox players will be caught, leaving a gigantic, dark cloud over their tremendous accomplishment. That being said, there is an extra sense of pride knowing that the White Sox won the World Series in the same year that official steroid testing began.

Popular Science has unveiled the Best of What's New 2005.

(Imagine the deep voice of the guy who does NFL films for this). On the murky gridiron of Niles North High School, something far greater than pride is on the line. Thousands of years of tradition clash in the frozen tundra known to us as Skokie, Illinois. Their gods may have varying numbers of arms, but for one day, their goal is the same. To march down the field and vanquish the enemy. For one day, the Jews line up on one side of the field while the Indians prepare on the other. This one day, is now known as The Indo Jew Bowl.

11/14/05 Life Expectancy

How many times have you heard, "We live in the greatest country" when referring to the United States? I'm not going to go off on another rant today (although if I weren't so busy at work, I might have). But rather, I want to talk about life expectancy. To me, average life expectancy is, in part, indicative of the quality of a nation. It combines overall health, air quality, food quality, medical services and disease prevention. True or false: The United States ranks in the top ten nations in terms of average life expectancy? False. It ranks 42nd, narrowly beating out Guadeloupe, Cyprus and Kuwait.

For baseball fans - Here's the free agent tracker. White Sox catcher Raul Casanova is a free agent. Admittedly, Casanova is a great last time. But I've never heard of the guy. When did he play for the White Sox?

In an effort to create fluffier popcorn, Northrop Grumman developed a 27 kilowatt solid-state laser.

11/13/05 Sister Christian, Oh the Time Has Come

And you know that you're the only one... to write this many words about the song.

Turn Around.... Every now and then I feel a little bit lonely... Oh my dear lord, what is this?!

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: The Next Generation...

Mr. Abrams noticed the blog value generator thing on the right side of this blog. He found this blog to be worth over $8 million.

Philly Leah sends one of those good news / bad news articles.. The book "Blink (The Power of Thinking Without Thinking)" is being made into a movie (good news). It will star Leonardo DiCaprio (not good news, if you ask me).

11/11/05 NCAA Rejects Illinois' Appeal of Mascot Ban

The University of Illinois appealed the NCAA's ruling to ban on mascots that represent a "hostile and abusive image of American Indians." They lost their appeal. In my four years of undergraduate studies at the University of Illinois, I never once saw Chief Illiniwek as a hostile and abusive image of American Indians. The representation was always of the highest and utmost respect. The halftime dance done by "The Chief" attempted to best adhere to the traditional dance done by the Illini tribe. The individual chosen to be "The Chief" required an arduous process and was a great honor to be chosen. Nothing about the process ever struck me as "hostile and abusive".

You don't see Americans of Irish heritage upset that they're represented by a drunken, fighting leprechaun at Notre Dame. Why not?

Now, since I don't have a girlfriend, or really any friends for that matter, I occasionally sit up nights concocting conspiracy theories. For fear of questions about my sanity, I've been keeping this one to myself for a few months now. But I think it's finally time to unleash it to the few dozen people that read this blog. Here goes...

Answer this question - Why would a large governing body want to eliminate mascots that represent American Indians? Don't answer right away. Just ponder it for a few minutes.

When was the last time any large governing body did anything to really help American Indians? No really. Indian Reserves? Those are on pieces of land that NOBODY wanted. The ability to put casinos on their land? Here in California, they've legalized gambling in other areas. Small pox blankets? That wasn't helpful, now was it? The point here is that the treatment of American Indians is probably the biggest stain in the history of The United States (African slavery being the other. Seeing as though American Indians were also used as slaves, they earn the "biggest stain" tag in my book. Either way, it's up there). How many American Indians do you know? In fact, how many have you met in your life? I think it was Chris Rock that said "You ain't NEVER seen 2 Indians at the same time". Basically, the culture of the people who lived here for thousands of years is really non-existent in our daily lives. The only place where any representation of that culture remains is in sports mascots - both collegiate and professional.

This brings us back to the original question - Why would a large governing body want to eliminate mascots that represent American Indians?

Here's the theory. Why not erase the greatest stain and blemish in United States history? Without mascots to remind us of the American Indian culture that was essentially destroyed over the past 200 years, then it really didn't exist. If a piece of history is no longer discussed, then it is no longer a piece of history. How many other cultures are we unaware of since they don't exist in our history books? I'm sure the answer is greater than zero. The NCAA ruling is a red herring. The ruling appears to be respecting the American Indian culture under the guise of "hostile and abusive images". When, in fact, the ruling is helping erase the culture completely from our memories. What happens in a decade. What about 50 years from now? Who is going to talk about American Indian culture? If it weren't for sports mascots today, I wouldn't be defending the memory of their culture.

The question remains - Why would a large governing body want to eliminate mascots that represent American Indians?

On that note - Happy Veterans' Day

While I'm on a roll - Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian

If you're planning to have a kid soon, might I recommend that they not watch the 2008 Olympics. The new mascots for the 2008 Olympic Games have been unveiled. And they will permanently torture your kids' dreams well into adulthood.

11/10/05 How to Clean Your Bowling Ball

I've owned my own bowling ball for, I dunno, 8 years now? When I got it, it was a top end ball (well, not super top end, but a good $200). It had a real nice hook to it and helped me raise my average from 105 to 160 or so. I even managed my first official 600 series, which, for me, was a huge accomplishment. Never before and never since have I repeated the feat.

Anyways, in recent years, I haven't bowled nearly as much as I did back in college. And when I do bowl, I'm pretty bad. Like 120-130 bad. My ball just doesn't hook anymore and it's almost as if I completely forgot how to bowl.

Then I had a nasty acid flashback recently. I had vivid memories of my Russian college roommate, Vlad, putting a hair dryer to his bowling ball. (Note: I've never taken acid. I'm simply comparing what I think a bad flashback might be like to the memory of living with Vlad). (Note 2: Vlad, I'm just kidding). (Note 3: Or am I?) Ok, now Vlad went from bowling off the wrong foot to joining the University of Illinois varsity bowling team in the course of a year or two. This, for one, should be a good indication that bowling isn't really a sport.

The important thing here is the hair dryer. We'd watch Vlad blow the hair dryer over his ball, like it was his first Cabbage Patch Kid. Then he'd wipe it with a towel and repeat. Vlad kindly explained that he was making the ball sweat oil. (Note 4: Vlad never explained things kindly. But for the sake of this story, he did). The newer balling balls soak up oil and lose their ability to grip the lane. The hair dryer released the oil from the ball and returned the ball to it's hooking self.

Why am I telling this story? No good reason. It's just that I took my bowling ball out of my trunk the other day and decided to give it a good cleaning. First, I put it in my sink and ran real hot water over it. It bubbled with tiny beads of oil. I continued to wipe it off and pour more hot water over it. When I was done, I rinsed out the towel. The water in the sink became pit stain yellow.

Anyways, I wasn't completely satisfied with the results. So I looked up how to clean a bowling ball. The answer? Put it in a dishwasher. So I did. My roommate asked why the silverware holder thingie was on the counter. You wonder why she's moving out. I think the ball is relatively oil-free now though. I've just gotta go bowling now.

I've been way too busy to learn much else new. Hence the long story for no reason.

Well, my friends. It's out in the open. Richard Roeper has unleashed "The Shocker" to the mainstream. It's no longer cool to do.

11/9/05 The Official Unintentional Comedy Rating Scale

As always, the Sports Guy has me in stitches (does anybody talk like that anymore? or is it just me?). For a year and a half now, he has passively mentioned Unintentional Comedy. His definition is "Those moments when something or someone cracks you up ... even though that wasn't necessarily the original intention." So he writes an article filled with those moments, ranked 65 (low) to 100 (high). Some of my favorites:

• the "Saved By The Bell" episode when Jessie took too many caffeine pills
• Journey's "Separate Ways" video
• Pedro getting mad because Puck ate his peanut butter on "Real World: San Fran"
• Col. Jessup inexplicably taking a shot at Lt. Weinberg in "A Few Good Men."
• Dave Wannstadt's mustache
• the '92 NBA All-Star Game, when everyone was afraid to guard Magic

Speaking of the Sports Guy, he also has a good article on the people you hate at the ballpark.

Forbes has created "The Email Time Capsule". You can email yourself and have it sent up to 20 years in the future. So, in 20 years you'll get an email (ok, you probably won't cuz I guarantee you won't still be using hotmail in 20 years). But let's assume that you somehow get this email. You can look back at what a loser you were, writing emails to yourself.

11/8/05 Relativity Challenge

I was reading one of my old blog entries and one of the Sponsored Ads on the the right reads, "Did Einstein Make a Mistake?". So I checked out it. Then I thought to myself, why would somebody need to pay for an ad that proves Einstein wrong? Turns out the dude uses some crappy PowerPoint presentation to prove some point that doesn't really make sense. Included on this brilliant website is a puzzle section. The first puzzle - Three Men and a Hotel. While that's a fun puzzle for a few minutes, you don't need to be an Einstein to solve it.

"So, the Zimbabwe President sez to me, 'Go to hell' and I was, like, 'No way' and he was, like, 'Yes way' and I was, like, 'Oh no you din't!' and he was, like, 'Whatever'"

I saved this link about NBA Myths last week. My favorite is "The Crowd Can Affect Free-Throw Shooting". "As it turns out, Thunderstix and wiggling balloons have little effect because the brain simply blocks out random motion, like white noise on a television screen. According to this Slate.com article, fans behind the baseline would be better off moving side-to-side in unison."

The world's worst software bugs.

11/7/05 Fantasy Football

Welcome to your 2005 fantasy football team.

The WHO claims that human flu pandemic inevitable, ignores requests for pinball wizard.

Howard Stern got $500 MILLION to move to Sirius Satellite?!?! Holy shit.

11/6/05 Gravity Waves

The only part of Einstein's theory of general relativity that hasn't been proven experimentally is gravity waves. We may be only months away from an experiment that will prove it true. Gravity waves are "shifts in space and time caused by the movement of massive astronomical bodies".

Ahh, high school memories. I think my freshman year intramural team once lost to the same score.

And now, the award for most damaging computer virus of 2004 is....

Is there something new in the water supply in Chicago? First, the White Sox. Now the Bears are in first place? Not only are they in first place, but they're in front by 2 games.

Texas Adultery Law

A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn't even have enough time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife about the trip.

The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is this emergency he must take care of. So instead, he tells the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman.

The maid protests, but the lawyer explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous spouse and his/her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces the maid to do it, offering a hefty bonus as a reward. She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears the sound of two gun shots, a scream, a dozen or so loud thumps, and finally, two splashes.
The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?"

"Yes," she replies.

The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?"

"I threw them in the pool," she responds.

There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the pool?"

"Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.

"Uh, is this 555-8234?"

11/5/05 Jay Mariotti Year in Review

Cousin Jeff sends Jay Mariotti's Year in Review as written by Eric Zorn. Eric went back and read Mariotti's articles for the last 12 months about the White Sox.

Mariotti writes:

December 19 --If the Sox had given (former Cub Matt) Clement an extra $5 million and (pitcher Omar) Vizquel an extra year and $3 million, they would have a quality No. 3 starter behind Freddy Garcia and Mark Buehrle and a fielding wizard to anchor the infield. But because they bid low in both cases, they'll be a .500 team next year. Or worse.

May 21 --It should surprise no one.. that the Sox would rise impressively.... the Sox seem poised for glory.
May 30--You can't chip and dink out runs for 162 games and expect your starting pitchers to bail out the cause every time. ...Excuse me, but are those the Minnesota Twins only 3 1/2 games back now? Pardon me, but have the Sox sunk to ninth in the American League in runs scored after managing 17 in their last seven games?
July 30-- Williams insists the Sox don't need major roster surgery, but I couldn't disagree more.
August 20 --Only a fool thinks a scratch-and-tickle offense doesn't need Ken Griffey Jr.... A theme is emerging, and it isn't pretty for the South Siders. Barring an unforeseen deal by general manager Ken Williams, who is too protective of team chemistry and not focused enough on reality, the Sox will enter the postseason with one of the tamer offensive lineups in recent memory
September 1 --The final, final, final trading deadline passed late Wednesday night without activity, leaving the Sox with one of the flimsiest batting orders of any contender in years. (The Sox are) a downwardly spiraling imposter that has little chance to win a postseason series, unless ominous patterns unexpectedly turn bright in coming weeks...... Buehrle doesn't have his stuff. You don't know what you're getting from Garland. El Duque is fading. Dustin Hermanson still has an iffy back. The team looks tired. The defense has been woeful. The lineup has too many automatic outs. The Sox aren't playing well at home. Who is Geoff Blum, anyway?
Read the article for the full low down.

Six rules for IM-ing at work. Rule #5 - Learn how to count.

The 25 Best Pee-wee's playhouse moments.

11/4/05 Fred Marshall, Cam Karoake Man

Cousin Eric called me at work to let me know about Fred Marshall. You're probably thinking, your cousin called you at work to tell you about a guy in the internet? I was thinking the same thing. Until I saw Fred Marshall, Cam Karaoke Man. Then I realized how important this was. And immediately, I told Cousin Eric that this would be the next fact I post. Please, check out Fred's site. Be sure to click on his first cool link - video.google.com/videosearch?q=fred+marshall+karaoke. And enjoy the videos.

Like I said a couple of days ago, I have all sorts of outdated links sent from all sorts of people. I'm going to try and put some of them here tonight. First off, my dad sends an Ice Swipe game from Coors Light.

Pinche Edgar sends me a link to the restaurant he works at in Cincinnati - El Pueblo. Edgar's a good guy. If you're in Cincinnati, you should check it out.

Nigel from Australia sends me his latest endeavor - Good Gear Guide. Get yourself a better deal and check out his site.

I'm such a crappy son. My mom sent this to me like 10 days ago and asked if I'd post it. Well Mom, the answer is yes. Man coughs up a screw.

Are you right brained or left brained? Take the Hemispheric Dominance Test. When I was a kid, I learned that the rule of thumb is that your dominant hand is the opposite of your dominant brain half. I'm very much right handed and figured that I am left brained. I was SHOCKED to find out that I favor the right half of my brain. I demand a recount.

11/3/05 No-Nonsense Flu Season Tips

MSN offers up No-Nonsense tips for the upcoming flu season. Tip #9 - "During flu season, never let anyone lick your keyboard." Still no warning against salad tossing.

Mitchell Friedman? Who the hell are these guys?

From the "Huh huh. You said Sack Pain" files - Steve McNair

The technical lowdown on RFID in passports.

11/2/05 Put Your DNA in a Tree

And we live a life of ease, in the middle of a tree. All together now... "D-N-A in the middle of a tree. The middle of a tree. The middle of a tree..."

When I'm 64.

She came in through the bathroom window... Ok, I couldn't figure out anything to continue the Beatles theme I spontaneously created. But on a serious note, I want to buy this as a gift for someone. So if you know where I can buy it, please let me know.

Wouldn't you know it? The universe actually does revolve around Paris Hilton's hoo-ha.

11/1/05 Will Perdue

Will Perdue scarred my childhood. Will Perdue made me lost faith in all that was good in humankind. I was only 12 years old at the time, but I remember the Will Perdue incident like it happened this afternoon. Back when the Bulls were good, they used to have these clinics at the local high schools during the summer. Two Bulls players would show up. Usually they had one decent guy and one scrub. Like John Paxson and Cliff Levingston. Or BJ Armstrong and Will Perdue. It was always one of our summer highlights to attend these clinics. If you were lucky, you got to go down on the floor with them and practice some sort of drill.

This one particular year, my friend's mom was late picking us up from the Bulls clinic. A good twenty minutes had passed since the end of the clinic, and we stood there, the three of us, outside of the gymnasium. All seven feet of Will Perdue came around the corner. Now, it's not like I was a big Will Perdue fan. But he was a celebrity. It was exciting for a 12-year old. So I looked up at him as he walked my way, and with my pen and paper timidly asked him, "Mr. Perdue, can I have your autograph?"

"No." He quickly responded. "Please. Can I please have your autograph?" "No. Sorry." And he walked away.

There's a reason I tell this story. And it's not because I enjoy reliving one of the most traumatic moments of my life. Today on ESPN.com they had sessions where you could ask their experts about the upcoming NBA season. Guess who one of their experts was? Yup. Will Perdue. They let you submit questions and comments a couple of hours ahead of time, so he could offer his insight.

I wrote a quick, succint submission to Will.
"Hey Will - 15 years ago you took part in a Bulls Clinic at the local high school. My friend's mom was late picking us up and we were the only ones left in the building. When I kindly asked for your autograph, you said no. When I begged please, you said no again and walked away. While that scarred me as a 12 year old, I want to give you a chance to apologize. A simple "I'm sorry" would allow me to finally move on from that crushing incident in the Buffalo Grove High School gymnasium."

Needless to say he didn't respond and this story has no good ending. Except for the fact that his responses sucked, he doesn't know how to spell, he was 5 minutes late and it took him an average of 6 minutes to actually type a response. Even worse? You now have to be an "IN", paying member of ESPN.com to read it.

Just to give you a taste, here's how the Q&A session kicked off...

Will Perdue: sorry I'm late.let's get started.
Thomas (Florida): How many games do you see the Lakers, Pacers, Spurs and Heat win this season?
Will Perdue: the team that's the wildcard in the big picture is the lakers.We all know ego is a big thing in the NBA(no pun ),but are Phil and Kobe really able to put the past behind them.I still donot see the Lakers making the playoffs.

Will Perdue. I still don't like you. And you still suck.

Mel Gibson is planning a new movie. Passion of the Christ 2: Yucatecean Boogaloo.