7/4/06 Big Slick

First and foremost, I want to thank everybody who sent luck and wishes my way this past weekend. As promised, I'm going to write about the experience. At night, I took notes on a pad of paper. So, I'll do my best to recreate my time at the WSOP for you.

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Friday, June 30th....

I arrived on Friday, the day before the event I was planning to play in. Poker Jason picked me up at the airport and we immediately went to the Rio, so I could register for Saturday's event, Event #6. We parked in back of the Rio hotel and I immediately walked towards the registration area, luggage and all. As I walked from the parking lot to the hotel, I felt like some minor leaguer making his major league debut. The Rio Convention Center was the venue and, despite the big lights and big names, I had to act like I belonged there. More importantly, I had to believe that I belonged there.

Honestly, I was a little concerned that the event might sell out (the first No Limit Hold 'Em Event had more than 400 alternates). As I walked down the corridor of the convention center, I saw a lot of familiar TV faces, most of them in line for the restroom... Chris "Jesus" Ferguson, David Sklansky and John D'Agostino were some of the first big names I noticed.

As I registered, I got my seat assignment. Table 4, Seat 6. Ok, I like Seat 6. As silly as it sounds, it helps me to visualize what I'm going to do ahead of time. So, knowing where the table is and what seat I'd have will help the visualization.

After checking in, I spent some time wandering the convention center. The main room had 200 or more tables for tournament play. The tables were all full to start most of the tournaments, and within an hour or two, the tables would free up for cash games and satellites for the main event. I was probably most surprised that the final table was in the same room. The audience you see on TV were people just sitting on metal risers with 3 steps (like ones you'd see a high school choir use). They do a tremendous job on TV to make the final table appear to be in a larger room with a bigger audience.

The room was filled with the big names, some of them playing in the tournament, others playing in big cash games. Barry Greenstein, Phil Gordon, Phil Ivey, Phil Hellmuth, Johnny Chan, Doyle Brunson, John Juanda (who was at the final table), David Williams, Gavin Smith, Layne Flack, Howard Lederer, Freddy Deeb, Mike Caro, Daniel Negreanu were the ones I can recall off the top of my head. Many of them were wearing customized hockey jerseys with their last names on the back, advertising for FullTiltPoker.net.

The cash games had a LONG waiting list (especially at the low limits where I wanted to play). So, across the hall, many of the big online poker sites had lounges with drinks and spreads for anyone who wanted to just hang out. I got coaxed into entering the UlitmateBet.net lounge. I sat on the comfy couch and was joined by Phil Hellmuth. There were maybe 6 of us in the room, but I didn't really have anything to say to Phil. What could I possibly say? I like your play? I admire your game? You're kind of a wuss when it comes to playing big pots and I'd come over the top against you with any pair? So I just kind of sat there.

That evening, I decided to play some No Limit Hold 'Em to get used to playing in the room and sitting at a table (since most of my play is online). I played the lowest limit game - The blinds were 2 and 5. In my experience with NL, I just play tight and win a couple of big pots, since the games tend to be wild and loose. My first big hand was a guy in early position raising to 15, one guy calls and I look down at A 10 of diamonds on the button and call. The flop comes A 9 7 with 1 diamond. The first raiser bets 30, the next guy folds and I study him. He looks way too confident - I can't put my finger on it. But, even with top pair, I didn't like it. Every instinct told me to fold. And I do. He's pissed... he says "One of you must've been playing that ace". He flips over a set of 7s. I said, "I was". I thought for a second and realized I didn't want to give up the fact that I read him well and said, "I had a lousy kicker and figured you were ahead". He says, "You don't even call to find out where you are? I'm supposed to get ALL the cookies there. All of them." Followed by, "Nice laydown". I saved myself quite a bit of money right there. Sometimes the best plays in poker are the hands you fold.

Soon after, one guy limps for 5. I look down on KK, which is one of my favorite hands, since it's easy to get away from with an ace on the flop. I raise to 20. I get 2 callers plus the limpers. So the pot is 82. Flop comes J high, 2 checks and the limper bets 50. Later, I ask both Poker Jason and Pro Player Pete what they would have done. They both said they'd raise between 100 and 150. I raised to 125. After the 2 players fold, the other guy goes all in immediately for another 175 chips. He hit a set. Twice now, I'm convinced I'm up against the improbable set. He doesn't have AJ. He looks way too happy to have AJ. I look at him, he's way too confident and I fold my overpair. He flips over a set of 3s. Damn, I should be broke by now. Just bad luck. And real tough folds. I'm tired of running into sets. Perhaps my luck will turn around in the WSOP event.
I stop playing just after midnight, and decide to cash out and sleep in. The event starts at noon on Saturday, so I'll try and sleep in until 10:30, if I can.

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July 1st - The WSOP Event

My favorite poker shirt of the day read:

“Nice Hand Sir”. And by “hand” I mean “suckout”. And by “sir” I mean “moron”.

I am unable to sleep past 8:30 am the morning of the tournament. I was hoping to sleep a little later, so I’d have energy and focus in the wee hours of the morning if I made it that far. So, I just stayed in bed for a while and tried to stay relaxed. Poker Jason called around 10:15 and we made plans to meet up for breakfast. Pro Player Pete joined in for a hearty egg and OJ kind of breakfast.

The tournament was going to start at noon sharp. The feelings I had reminded me of taking AP tests in high school. It was easy to focus on everything I wasn’t prepared for. It was easy to be filled with self doubt. It was easy to be intimidated by the competition. And, when it was all over, you knew that everyone would ask how you did. It was important just to focus on all of the preparation I had already put in and to remain confident in my abilities.

As I sat down at table 4, seat 6, I noticed that everyone at my table was a guy and in his 20s or 30s. No big poker names were at my table. It was just like my home games, so that helped my confidence. Although at table 3, seat 10, directly across from me was Jean Robert Bellande. At first I was upset that his antics would be a distraction. Then I decided that I was 100 times better off with him at table 3 instead of directly in front of me at table 4.

Much like the minor leaguer being called up for his major league debut, my adrenaline was pumping and it was crucial that I figure out a way to keep it in check. I felt like knuckleballer Charlie Haeger who kept throwing his knuckleball too fast, losing his movement and his edge. If I could just remain calm and play my game, I'd be fine.

My plan was to play only a couple of hand the first hour and to just hang around and observe. Then, first hand, I pick up KQ suited in middle position. I didn’t want to play the first hand, but I couldn’t fold. Blinds were 25/25, so I raised to 100. That was going to be my standard raise with no variation. It folds around to the big blind, who calls. Pot is 225. And, I’m honestly nervous. Flop comes Q 4 3 with 2 diamonds. BB checks and I bet 150. He thinks for a while and I’m ready to fold to a stiff raise. I'm not ready to start risking massive amounts of chips first hand. He folds. Wow, that felt good. There’s something psychological about being over 2000 chips. At, for the moment, I’m chip leader at the table with 2125. It doesn’t seem like much, but it calmed my nerves. I could fold for the next hour and still be even.

3rd hand, I pick up AQo. So much for playing tight. I raise to 100 again. Everyone folds. Alright. 2175 in chips. I can handle this. In the first hour, I pick up 44 twice in a row, AQ suited, 66, and I probably play at least 10 hands, which is WAY more than I planned. My stack was up to 2300. I raised with 66, got called on one spot. The flop came 8 4 4, so I figured my pair was good. I bet 150 into a pot of 250. He raises to 425. I have to fold. Even though he could’ve had 2 big cards, I wasn’t ready to make a big move. My stack is down to 1600. By the end of the first hour, my stack is exactly back to even. All of that play and I have 2000 chips. That was a little more nuts than I expected for the first hour of play. Just after the first hour, my table gets broken up (this happens to keep tables full during a tournament. Basically, we fill in all of the spots where people have busted out.)

I draw table 17, seat 10. I also like seat 10. I don’t like seat 1 because sometimes I can’t see the blinds coming around on the other side of the dealer. Also (this is going to sound goofy, but I swear it’s true), I have better peripheral vision to my left than to my right. I noticed this recently when I was driving. And I think I figured out why. It’s because of sports. As a righty, when you hit in baseball, you’re looking left. As a quarterback, same thing. You look left. So, there you have it. I like seat 10 because most of the action is to my left.

As I approach my seat, I scan the table. Again, no big name pros. But in seat 3… Norm “Friggin” MacDonald. Everyone was very tight lipped except for Norm. He’s just there to have some fun. I haven’t said a word the entire time and I don’t plan on saying a word. How can I sum up Norm’s game? The man doesn’t like to play post flop. So he’ll bet 4-6 times the big blind with a good hand and hope to just steal the pot.

I have 2 quick Norm stories. First, he started chatting with the hot blond girl playing at our table. He was asking where she’s from and the regular chit chat. She then asked where he’s from, obviously having no idea who he was. He said somewhere in Canada and was obviously a little ticked that she didn’t know who he was.

Second, he raised 450 in early position with blinds of 50/100. I was in the big blind, hoping to have a monster hand and put him all in. I look down at a measly J8. I knew I was going to fold. I take the opportunity to just stare at him and study him for a while. There’s nothing quite like being a jerk and making your opponents nervous. After about 10 seconds, and making him obviously uncomfortable, I fold. He says something like, “I don’t know what kind of face to make when someone stares at me like that.”

Level 2 begins with blinds of 25/50. There’s still plenty of play. The aggressive, serial raiser is 2 seats to my right. I don’t like that, since he’s going to try and steal my blinds every time around. Usually I try to act really tight and weak, let him steal some small blinds, then, with a pretty good hand, I’ll pop him with a big raise, forcing him to either fold (and give back all of those blinds he stole), or call and have the worst of it. This guy becomes my nemesis for the next couple of hours.

During the second hour, I try not to play as many hands. With the blinds at 25/50, the serial raiser makes it 150 and I pick up 8 8 and call from the small blind. The flop comes 9 8 6 with 2 hearts. Great flop for me. But scary with the straight and flush draws. With the pot of 325, I lead of for 200, hoping to take it down there or make him pay a price for his draw. The pot is now 725. The next card is the 7 of diamonds, putting four cards to a straight, 6 7 8 9, two diamonds and 2 hearts. That was one of the worst cards that could’ve fallen. I check. He bets 225 into the pot of 725. Which make me suspicious. I think he’s on a flush draw. Or he has the baby end of the straight and could fold to a raise. I want to know right then and there where I stand. If he’s got me crushed, he could just come over the top, I’m willing to lay it down. I can’t give him a free card if he’s on the flush draw. (Pro Player Pete says I should’ve just called, and looking back, I think he’s right. But I thought he would lay down there and didn't really put him on a 10.) He just calls. Shit. What could he just be calling with? He MUST have the 10 and the straight. Pot is now 1925. I have 1150 left in chips. I’m not in a good spot here unless the board pairs. Then, the river brings the best possible card (other than the final 8 in the deck). A black 9 rolls off. So, if he has the straight, I can pretend that I have a busted flush draw and try to steal the pot. I have to act first, so I do just that. I act like I missed and that I’m stealing. I push all in for 1150. At this point I’m shaking like a crack baby (I tried to think of a more PC analogy, but only the crack baby gives the proper visual). Even my jaw is shaking. Which is a huge indication that I have a great hand (a sign of an unconscious adrenaline rush). I try to “reverse tell” him and put my chips is forcefully and stare at him, hoping he puts me on a steal. He keeps saying, “You flopped a set. You flopped a set.” And finally he calls. I flip over my full house and take a huge pot, giving me 4200 chips total. He’s definitely bummed out, flipping over a 10. I feel fortunate about the river card (even though I had him on the flop and he was drawing to a gutshot straight draw and lucked out on the turn).

At that point I opt to play tight, except making some position raises (which would prove impossible since the serial raiser kept raising 2 seats to my right). Just before the first break at the end of level 2 (each level is an hour), I’m down to 3700 chips and I’m ready to just stretch and take a leak. I’m in the sb for 50, the serial raiser raises from the cutoff to 175. Everybody else is already gone on break. I’m good and ready to fold when I wake up to see AK of spades. I reraise to 400, hoping he just goes away and we can break. He calls. (Maybe I should've made it 450 or 500?) It’s just the 2 of us and the dealer. The flop is K 5 3 all of clubs. I lead out for 600 into a pot of 900. That should do it. He calls. GO AWAY! The turn is the 8 of clubs. 4 clubs out there and I have spades. I check. He goes all in. I fold. He shows the K 10 with the 10 of clubs. Shit. I go into the break with 2700 chips, after having 4200 just 30 minutes earlier.

I meet up with Poker Jason and Pro Player Pete. Poker Jason had his aces cracked and managed not to go broke (very impressive play on his part). Although, he busted out soon after. Pro Player Pete had 1250 or so chips left and he encourages me that my 2700 is still plenty to work with. He really helped me get over my AK vs. K 10 beat just before the break and keeps me focused.

In level 3, I make my first bluff. Blinds are now 50/100. The crazy serial raiser calls my raise (I have AJ). The flop is not memorable, but I know he didn’t hit either. By the turn, I pretend that I’ve hit a monster and do my best to subtly re-enact my adrenaline shaking routine and bet small, like I’m luring him in with a huge hand, like top set. He calls the turn. I do the same on the river, forcing him to fold. PHEW. I suck at bluffing. I’m back up to 3200.

At this point I tighten up, but it’s not exactly my choice since I don’t get many cards to play. I had one chance to make a button raise with Q 5 and I didn’t do it. The blinds limp in and the flop comes Q Q 7 and I’m pretty pissed at myself with not being aggressive there.

Level 4 comes around and blinds are up to 100/200. By this level, people start to move all in a lot. I’m actually excited about this level, since my strength tends to be playing the short stack. I know when and where to be aggressive and put pressure on the right stacks at the right time. My confidence is way up, simply since the blinds are getting bigger. I’m also saving my $25 chips because in level 5, the antes kick in and I want to psychologically prepare for level 5.

Norm MacDonald goes all in a few times for 1800 or so. On the button he goes all in, gets called by the hot blonde in the sb (she actually comes over the top all in) and the bb folds. Norm had 6 6 and hot blonde had Q Q. Norm doesn’t catch and he’s gone. We get new players filling in here and there. One guy actually moves to our table, plays 3 hands, loses all 3 and busts out in 5 minutes. This is getting to be a little nutty. But it’s also exciting poker.

Towards the end of level 4, I look down at AK again. This time, I’m under the gun. I have 2400 in chips and I’m ready to play for all of them if I get reraised. I bet 600. It folds around to the big blind, who sits and thinks and is ready to fold, but decides to call. He’s directly to my right and has just won 2 all ins and went from being short stack to the big stack at the table in very little time. The pot is 1300. The flop comes A 4 3. At this point I see Poker Jason and Pro Player Pete out of the corner of my eye, watching my action. (Which sadly means that Pete is also out of the tournament). Alright, I hit, so it makes things easier. He checks, I bet 900, essentially pot committing myself and I’m ready for the fold and to move on. I'm shocked to hear, “I’m all in”. HUH?! I felt like I had just prepared a spectacular anniversary dinner and evening on the town for my girlfriend, and I’m a little giddy for the romantic evening. And as soon as I tell her about it, she says, “We need to start seeing other people.” I’m devastated. Either this guy is making a move on me with a weaker ace and assumes that I have JJ QQ or KK. Or he’s hit a set. (He could also have A 4 or A 3, but it didn’t feel that way. I can’t explain why, but it didn’t. It also didn’t really feel like he had A 2 or A 5 and was gambling with the extra outs of a straight). He seemed convinced that he had the best hand. Remember my games from yesterday when I folded to 2 sets? And I thought my bad luck of running into sets was over? I feel like he’s hit a set. But I have 900 chips left. And he has a big stack and could be making a move. I’m stuck. I’ve played this hand over and over in my head since the event and wonder if I could’ve laid it down there. Every poker player I respect has told me that, no matter what, I was getting all my money in on that hand. I still somehow feel like I could’ve laid it down, even with top pair, top kicker. But I called. My worst fears come true as he turns over a pair of 3s, giving him three of a kind. I’m drawing to runner runner. I need a 2 5 to split, or running Ace King. It’s like, by calling the all in, I asked my girlfriend why we need to see other people, and she said she’s sleeping with my buddy and then she decides to kick me in the nuts for good measure. It was such a rotten sucker punch in the stomach feel. Seven out of eight times, he will miss his set and will fold. That would've put me over 3000 chips again. But the one out of eight times he hits and I go broke. To add insult to injury, I pair my king on the river, giving me aces and kings. I didn’t have to go far to find my buddies, as they were right there, watching me double over in pain.

So there you have it – Ace King cost me nearly all of my chips on 2 separate hands. That’s why they call it the “Anna Kournikova”. It looks great, but it never wins.

Overall, I am proud of how I played. A couple of swings in the other direction and I’m playing into the evening, at least. I read online that after level 4 (just after I busted out), 700 of the original 1700+ entrants were left. Also, if you read about the event online, you’ll see a whole bunch of big name pros that busted out real early (I can’t check those names right now, so you’re on your own.) I can confidently say that I outlasted half the field and was energized and focused to play deep into the night. To my backers and investors… Sorry. You knew up front that investing in me would be like hitting on 19, hoping to make blackjack (and even that was optimistic). I also thank you for the opportunity to play in my first World Series of Poker event. It’s most definitely an experience I’ll never forget.

One last note about Vegas. It’s becoming really hard to tell the difference between the hookers and the slutty girls these days. At this point I just figure that the ones who make eye contact with me and smile are hookers. Which isn’t really helping my confidence any.

Thanks again for all of your kind words of support and confidence. Until tomorrow...

6/29/06 This Post May Contain Chemicals Known to Cause Cancer

My first trip to Southern California was immediately after I graduated college. At the age of 21, Professor Joe and I took a road trip from Chicago, all the way to the west coast. (Note: Joe is now a Professor. It wasn't like I was hanging out and road tripping with one of my then professors). At the time, he and I both decided that we'd bypass the sprawling megalopolis of Los Angeles and just move onto other, move scenic destinations. Which is ironic, since I now live in Southern California. The one lasting impression of California was the signs. We got an oil change and all I can remember is the guy yelling at me for having my foot 6 inches over a line as I was looking under the hood. He then pointed to the sign which read, "Do not cross the white line". I think I once dubbed the area "The Land of Unnecessary Signs". (I wish I could've come up with a more clever slogan. But, I'm really not that clever.)

There's a sign in the parking lot where I work. The parking lot is across the street from the office building. It is adjacent to the sidewalk, is well shaded by trees and bushes, and is also elevated maybe 6-8 feet. There are curving stairs in two sets of 4 stairs. You walk up the first set of 4 stairs and go around a 90 degree curve. As you approach the second set of 4 stairs, you see a sign. The sign says (c'mon, take a guess... This is California... What do you think it says?).... The sign says "Caution: Stairs Ahead". Help me with some sort of comparison here. It's like eating yogurt and at the bottom of the container reading "Caution, yogurt contains dairy." It's like making a phone call, hanging up, and then having the operator ask if you'll accept the long distance charges. It's like being a Cubs season ticket holder. I'm out of comparisons. Hopefull you'll have a better one for me. I'll have to remember to bring my camera one day and post the picture of the sign.

This post was inspired by 2 stickers on cars this morning. The first is my favorite. I was driving behind a white van at about 75 mph. A sticker on the back window read, "This is not an abandoned vehicle". Nothing makes you feel better about your possessions than having to clarify that it's not garbage. (I'm not knocking the van. It was actually in fine condition.) The other sticker is the next generation of "My kid beat up your honor student". The sticker read, "My gamer fragged your honor student."

One last Southern California story. I was having lunch at a Mexican restaurant today. My buddy and I were eating in the bar area, watching WGN. The Cubs and the Brewers were playing. The guy who appeared to be running the place (and was also our server) walked away from the bar as Mark Prior gave up a bloop single, scoring 2 runs. He muttered under his breath, "Man, the Cubs suck." The secret is out, Cubs fans. Even people in California know.

In my recent baseball discussions, I've found myself saying, "How bad is the National League?" Well, I think I have my answer. There's no reason why I'm posting this, since you won't want to know. But I was watching the White Sox play the Houston Astros last week. And Astros pitcher Taylor Buchholz was just awesome. But I kept hearing "bunghole" and would chuckle.

T-minus 48 hours until the WSOP. Meaning, this may be my last post until after the event. So again, please send positive vibes my way on Saturday. In return, I will give you a complete, first-hand account of the experience when I get back. And who knows... If I win the whole thing, we're having a nacho party to end all nacho parties.

6/28/06 National Handshake Day

It's National Handshake Day. So, live it up. Shake a hand.

It's friggin' hot out! I can't tell where my ball sweat ends and my swamp ass begins. I went out for lunch this afternoon and my car said the temperature was 103. I didn't quite believe the thermometer, so I checked online for the local weather where I work. Sure enough, it was 100. This is, by far, the hottest week I've experienced in California.

So that must mean that the ice caps are melting and sea levels are rising, right? Wait, they're not? The Arctic Circle seas levels are falling? So, what you're really trying to tell me is that "global warming" isn't exactly a global problem? That it's more of a regional thing? Let me see if I understand - In some places glaciers are melting, but in other places they're getting bigger? And that leaves overall seas levels pretty stable? Hmm. I think I get it. Thanks for the clarification.

6/27/06 All I Wanted Was a Pepsi

Yesterday, the Sports Guy wrote an entire article about YouTube. Which led me to surfing YouTube for over an hour last night. And I found perhaps my favorite Beavis and Butthead video.

Does anybody else get AARP forms in the mail? Or is it just me? How did I end up on their list?

While I'm asking questions - Do you have a MySpace page? I finally have one. I fought the whole online socializing thing after Friendster went to hell. I worked for 3 years to amass 30 or so friends (half of them are made up friends like Sloth, Salma Hayek and Hawk Harrelson). Then everyone stopped using Friendster and moved to MySpace. Long story short, I have a crappy page and a couple of friends. Feel free to add me as your friend.

I've been trying to get my poker game back on track the last two days. And I'm living in bad beat hell. I've played 6 or 7 sit and go's and haven't cashed in one. I've been knocked out playing QQ against 10 10 (I'm more than 80% to win), AQ suited against QJ, 9 9 against A 7 when the flop came 7 high (the guy is drawing to 5 outs)... It's been sickening. I even played aggressively early today with AK of diamonds with a flop of 8 6 2 with 2 diamonds. I was called by 9 9 and I lost. I then looked up the percentages and I was a 55% - 45% favorite. The way I look at it - I'm getting all of my bad beats out of the way now. And they'll all even out this weekend.

6/26/06 Fantasy Poker

It's only natural that I have poker on the brain this week. I spend far too much of my time going over situations that could arise at the WSOP. What if someone raises early, I look down at kings and reraise, then get reraised back and now have to decide for all my chips if this guy is holding aces? I've been told "Bet the farm with Kings". But I've also been told "The fourth raise means aces". But I'm the fourth raise here. It's all very confusing. So, let's say your advice is to bet the farm, what do I do if I'm in the same situation, but with queens? What if I flop a set with 3 hearts on the board? What if I flop top 2 pair and a tight player is representing a set? How am I going to stay focused for 12+ hours? These are the thoughts that are keeping me up at night.

Ever since I caught the poker bug from Poker Jason, he's been pushing "Fantasy Poker". It works just like any other fantasy sport, where you draft players and get rewarded for their tournament winnings. Well, Poker Jason, ESPN has now brought Fantasy Poker mainstream.

This week's photos of arrested prostitutes is brought to you b..... fhmm.... ack... (gulp). Sorry, I sorta just threw up in my mouth.

In an unrelated story... Actual headline - "Officers honored for finding man's penis"

6/25/06 The Boys are Back in Town

Hey everyone. Sorry about the long wait. I've been out of town for the past few days.

This was my first trip to Chicago in a while. And I had no idea how baseball crazy everybody had gotten. Well, I have good news for the die hard fans. You can cheer for them, even after you're dead.

Care to see a minor league manager go nuts? (Thanks to Cousin Eric for the link).

Well, my friends, I am preparing to play in the World Series of Poker on July 1st. I'm asking you to send positive vibes and warm fuzzies my way on Saturday. I'll do my best to have a nice, long blog about the experience after the event.

6/21/06 Save Screech

Cousin Kevin sends "Save Screech". Screech is in danger of losing his house. So he's raising funds by selling T-Shirts.

I think this whole Ozzie Guillen thing is hilarious. My favorite part is his apology to the gay community for using the word "fag" in a derogatory manner:

"He told the Sun-Times the word in Venezuela is a reference to a man's courage, not his sexuality, adding he has gay friends, goes to WNBA games, went to a Madonna concert and plans to attend the Gay Games in Chicago."

6/20/06 I Am Serious

"Ted, that was probably the worst landing in the history of this airport, but some of us here, particularly me, would like to buy you a drink and shake your hand."

Courtesy of The Sports Guy, here's the quote that made me laugh the hardest today:

"Did you see Dirk heading to the locker room after Game 5 when he knocked over that exercise bike? He was totally like Karl from 'Die Hard' after Bruce Willis killed his brother."

This is fun. (Ok, not really).

6/19/06 The New Ben

"Hey Ben... I hope your stay in the hospital went well. We're all glad you didn't die. Hopefully your career isn't over. Oh, and, yeah... You owe us $388 for riding without a license or helmet."

6/18/06 Nose Job

I had a dream that I got a nose job. I don't remember the procedure, but I looked at myself in a reflective window and wasn't really happy with my decision. My nose was very nose job-ish, all slender, kind of pointy and turned upwards slightly. The goofy part is that, out of everything I would ever consider changing about my appearance, my nose isn't on the list. Ok, dream interpreters out there... what does this all mean?

For the second time in less than a year, I've vowed to quit drinking coffee. I love coffee, so this is really hard. I'm on day 10 without a cup. The first 3 or 4 days were pretty tough. I won't go into the details here, but, if you're a coffee drinker, you know what I'm talking about. Even 10 days later, I still have to talk myself out of having coffee as I'm getting ready every morning. Through it all though, there has been something very fulfilling about the whole experience. I feel much more energetic in the evenings. And I'm generally much more patient (and occasionally more motivated) throughout the day. Every time I try and quit drinking coffee, I start seeing articles showing its benefit. This time though, I'm going to ignore the article and stick to my guns.

6/17/06 The Bilderberg Group

I was watching the History Channel (I think) and I saw some show on the Bilderberg Group. It's alleged to be a group of the most influencial people in the world that join once a year to talk about who knows what.

"Attendees of Bilderberg include central bankers, defense experts, mass media press barons, government ministers, prime ministers, royalty, international financiers and political leaders from Europe and North America." The list includes Henry Kissinger, Donald Rumsfeld, John Kerry, Tony Blair, and a bunch of other world leaders that you probably wouldn't recognize.

"The original intention of the Bilderberg group was to further the understanding between Western Europe and North America through informal meetings between powerful individuals. Each year, a "steering committee" devises a selected invitation list with a maximum of 100 names. Invitations are only extended to residents of Europe and North America. The location of their annual meeting is not secret, and the agenda and list of participants are openly available to the public, but the topics of the meetings are kept secret and attendees pledge not to divulge what was discussed. The official stance of the Bilderberg Group is that their secrecy prevents the members' discussions from being manipulated by the media. Critics contend that the secrecy is evidence of conspiracy."

6/16/06 My Name is Mud

My dad called me and asked if I knew that Major League Baseball put mud on the baseballs before the games. I said no. "There's your Something I Learned Today".

6/15/06 MacGyver

Here is a list of every trick MacGyver ever pulled.

Softball update. We're 0-4. We're been slaughter ruled all 4 times. Last night we lost 22-3. We've given up 90 runs in 20 innings. That's 4.5 runs per inning. To give you an idea of how bad we are, I am still our leadoff hitter (a place no little league coach would even think of putting me since my speed is comparable to molasses). And I had to play shortstop (a position I once asked my little league coach to play in our final game of the season when everyone was goofing off and he still said no.) If I were to go all Frank Thomas on you, I'd point out that I'm hitting .889 on the season. Last night I went 3 for 3 with a run and an RBI (which is saying something since we scored 3 runs total). Hopefully they'll drop us down to the "special" league in the fall where we can compete.

6/14/06 Curiousity Killed the Credit Union.

Today is "throwback day". Unlike baseball, which brings back uniforms of years past, the internet makes articles old after only weeks. So, I'm going through my bookmarks of articles I've wanted to post in the last month, but didn't.

Note to self. Don't pick up a random USB drive and plug it into your computer. This article describes how a group left 20 random USB drives at a credit union. 15 of them were found and all 15 were plugged into computers at the credit union. Trojans had been loaded onto all of the USB drives and had infected the credit union network.

"Road Rage Disorder". This article gives me "The media makes up disorders and I hate them for it disorder". What's wrong with getting upset while sitting in hours of traffic everyday? If you ask me, if you're perfectly content, with a grin on your face, sitting in traffic for 10-20% of your waking life, that's closer to what might be considered a disorder. If I ever see a TV advertisment for presciption Road Rage Disorder medication, God help me. What would they call it? Raginol? Drivenex? And what better place to have diarrhea, bloody stools, upset stomach and whatever other normal side effects come with medication than in your car. So, for what it's worth... If you sometimes get upset while driving, there's nothing wrong with you. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

6/13/06 Real Men of RPS Genius

Real Men of Genius - RPS Style. Much like "The Goonie Oath", RPS tournaments begin with an oath that I guarantee you couldn't recite right now:

“I know that RPS belongs to no man or woman and was created before recorded history. To that end, as I prepare to battle and engage my worthy and respected opponent, I honor the RPS players that came before me. I recognize the rules and regulations of the United States of America Rock Paper Scissors League as the governing body of the sport and yield to the authority of its referees and officials. RO-SHAM-BO – SHOOT” (It is typical to accompany the last cry with clenched fists waving in the air in unison (as in the wind-up) and then shooting your favorite throw.)

All of this RPS, led me to the USA RPS MySpace page. I know I'm single and lonely and all... But the Girls of RPS are hot.

My dad sends the Top 10 Brainiest Small Cities. Now, I've met quite a few people where I live, and not many of them would I consider "brainy". Suffice it to say that high school and college graduation rates definitely do not equate to being "brainy".

6/12/06 Google U.S. Puzzle Championships

Registration is now open for the Google U.S. Puzzle Championships. If you want to feel like a moron, register for the practice test.

Cousin Eric sends Rock Paper Scissors. The Drinking Game.

6/11/06 Spanish Castle Illusion

Bob got all upset with me for not updating anything for a few days. I was taking a break. But, since Bob wants more... My break is over.

This Spanish Castle Illusion is probably my favorite optical illusion in a long time. (It's not one of those pages where the Exorcist chick comes up and screams. It's legit. I won't do that to you. I hate those.)

Check out Michael Jackson's face morphy over the years. Gross.

Man, I haven't played a drinking game in a lot of years. But, back in college, my favorite game was Three Man. I think I like it because it's complicated. In my Chicago apartment, we had to write the rules on a whiteboard so that we'd all remember. According to Wikipedia, there are different rules in the midwest than there are on the west coast.

Ok, everyone is making fun of Paris Hilton for her new video. Are they upset cuz it's her first video not in night vision? In all honesty, I don't see how this song or video is any worse than half of the stuff I normally see. Ok, I've changed my mind. As I was writing this, the video was open in another window. And it's horrible. Just terrible. I had to shut it down.

6/7/06 Lawyers Playing RPS

How do lawyers set up their game of Rock Paper Scissors?

Did anything creepy happen to you on 6/6/6? I got drilled in the ankle by a softball and now have a giant welt. And my Yahoo Launchcast showed a station called "666" this morning. I tried it and it was super crappy death metal. So no, I don't have any good stories.

As if online gambling wasn't a saturated market, here's a new one for you. Bet on the longevity of your friends' marriages. It's kind of sick and sad, sure. But you're lying if you've never had a thought that was in that general direction.

Let's just chalk it up to coincidence... But it seems like my crackpot rant from yesterday has some merit. Arizona Diamondback reliever (now ex-Arizona Diamondback reliever) Jason Grimsley had his house searched for performance enhancing drugs. Turns out he admitted to steroid and amphetamine use and had just received a package of Human Growth Hormone (HGH). This wasn't his first package of HGH either. HGH cannot currently be tested for. So, even though it's against baseball's rules, they can't catch you if you use it. Looks like HGH might be the mystery "supplement" I was referring to yesterday.

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Since Blogger was all jacked up today, Cousin Jeff emailed the following (instead of posting a comment)....

There is nothing crackpot about your theory. Here are a few items for your consideration:

Pee No Evil
Why are sportswriters pretending baseball's steroids era is over?
By Jeff Pearlman
Posted Friday, June 2, 2006, at 5:12 PM ET
http://www.slate.com/id/2142937

I'm sure you've heard about the Jason Grimsley HGH stuff - here's his redacted affidavit that appears to name MANY names: http://www.azcentral.com/pdfs/060706grimsley.pdf

"The first thing I thought when Pujols came up lame: hmm, oblique sure sounds like a steroid injury"

Plus, the perception that Clemens is on something is becoming heard more and more.

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What can I say? I was one day early breaking the story. (I had actually scribbled some notes at work and had meant to write about it for more than a week. Good thing I didn't wait any longer. Otherwise I would've pulled my normal, "hey, funny this happened. I was just thinking that something was up...")

More sports... Game 1 of hockey's Stanley Cup Finals had fewer viewers than the Arizona vs. Northwestern woman's softball game Monday night on ESPN2 (see bottom of article).

6/6/06 It's the End of the World As We Know It

What's better than a Rubik's Cube? A 4-dimensional Rubik's Cube. And what's better than that? A 5-dimensional Rubik's Cube.

I have a new, crackpot theory for ya'll. It's baseball related. It has to do with the resurgence of so many players that were inexplicably terrible in 2005. And, all the sudden, are back as stars. Have you noticed certain guys making headlines again? Guys like Nomar (hit a career low .283 last year and is now batting .366) and Giambi? There were a lot of question marks regarding their potential use of "supplements" during their glory years. Magglio Ordonez (Has 5 more HRs this year than all of last year), Mike Lowell (.236, 8 HRs in 2005), Shawn Green, and Ivan Rodriguez (2005 was lowest batting avg. and HR total since 1993) are all batting over .300. They're all having outstanding years so far. Until their injuries, Albert Pujols was on pace to crush Barry Bonds' single season homerun record. And Jim Thome was on pace for 60+. Why the resurgence in offense? Is it simply coincidence? For one, I don't think so.

The theory? There's a new "supplement" in town. One that isn't tested for under the latest Collective Bargaining Agreement. Which means that the game of cat and mouse continues. I'm not calling out all of the players I've mentioned. There is just too much of a trend for there to be a mere coincidence. Something is going on. And, since I have no affiliations with any sports site, I'm going to mention it first. Comments?

6/5/06 Earth from Mars

If you're like me (you should probably thank the good Lord that you're not), you woke up this morning wondering what Earth looks like from Mars.

Why are so many people today single? "In 1970, only 7.8 percent of Americans aged 30 to 34 had never married, and 65.4 percent of all men were hitched, as were 59.7 percent of all women. By 2003, the number of never-marrieds aged 30 to 34 had exploded to 27.9 percent. The number of all men who were married had dropped to 55.4 percent, and barely half of all women were wed."
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Mike sends some wonderful news. Thom Yorke of Radiohead is releasing an album called "The Eraser".

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There's a little game I've started to play while driving to and from work. It can be aptly titled "Who's talking?". I started playing this game for 2 reasons.

Reason #1: I get really bored driving 30 miles every morning and evening, so my mind wanders. A lot. (I had an inspirational, business "light bulb going off in my head" idea the other day. But that's another story for another day).

Reason #2: I started to notice a trend. It's a real simple trend. Some car is not following the unwritten highway rule of "stay approximately 5 car lengths from the car in front of you". This car is usually in the lane 2nd from the left and it 30 car lengths from the next car. And the distance is increasing. In my attempt to pass the jackass, I tend to look to see what the problem is. Almost invariably, the person is talking on the phone.

So I put this little theory to a test. And I picked out 20 cars last week that I thought fit the profile. I'm batting .950. I pegged 19 of the 20 drivers. The one I got wrong was just old. Try it yourself. See how you do. Oh, and if you're using the phone while you're driving. Keep up with traffic. Don't be the jackass.

6/4/06 Juanita Greenberg

While visiting Hilton Head, Aunt Arlene and Uncle Larry came across Juanita Greenberg's Nacho Royale. Could there possibly be a better place to have nachos?

"From our pico and guacamole right up to our Royale Nachosand Burritos, all of our food is cooked to order using only the freshest ingredients. Even our margaritas are “World Famous” and the best this side of the border. Juanita Greenberg wouldn’t have it any other way... and yes she is alive and well living in Florida!"

6/2/06 Global Cooling

About 6 months ago I wrote a little something about global warming and the book "State of Fear". Cousin Kevin sends an article from Newsweek in 1975 about the impending global cooling.

My dad sends this article about a "lost world" found in a cave. "Israeli scientists have discovered an ancient ecosystem containing eight previously unknown species in a lake inside a cave, where they were completely sheltered from the outside world for millions of years."

My dad also sends a link to CowAbduction.com.

Spelling Bee Reactions

Some of my initial reactions from yesterday's spelling bee:

• A lot of the kids had personality and spunk. ABC did a great job of having individual bios for a lot of the kids and really brought out their personalities. I feel bad for calling them "socially awkward".
• One of the finalists goes to Daniel Wright and is going to my high school next year. (I may have not noticed until Bob called to point it out).
• If you think I'm sick in the head for recording and watching the spelling bee, don't read the rest of this comment. I couldn't help but think (more than once), "Hey, she's pretty cute for a spelling bee chick... And for being 13... and... oh my god... uh... wait... I didn't just think that... LA LA LA! I wonder how the White Sox are doing..." But seriously, girls are allowed to be cute at 13. And some of them were.
• Be honest with yourself for a second here. Weren't you pulling for the other girl at the end, just a little bit, cuz she had that Winnie Cooper look to her?
• Weren't you also sort of rooting against the Winnie Cooper girl since she's from Canada? How could we have a Canadian win our national spelling bee? It's like when the Blue Jays won the World Series.
• Does Samir Patel not making the finals rank up there with Reebok's failed "Dan and Dave" decathlon competition? I was equally devastated by both.
• Those kids are really impressive. How many times did they get a word and you think to yourself... Hmm... "Sitasism". Then the 13 year old spews out "p-s-i-t-t-a-c-i-s-m". "OH! The 't' is silent!" Then you justify to yourself that you got more than half the word right and with a little practice you'd have the competition in the bag.
• The bell is very deceiving. It's a sound associated with a right answer. It's a very peaceful way to tell someone that they're hopes and dreams have been crushed and they're out. Where's the "Family Feud" 'X' buzzer?
• Did you see the girl who got incorrectly knocked out? On a personal note, I spelled the word the same as she did and I somehow felt a sense of personal redemption when the judges let her back in. It's like when you watch Jeopardy and they return from a commercial break with different scores. Alex Trebek then has to explain that some answer (question) previously given was actually correct and explains away the error.
• A lot of kids were of Indian and otherwise Asian decent. And not one of the kids was black.
• Having an announcer that was also a former spelling bee finalist as a kid was a good idea. And a bad idea at the same time. It was bad like most ice skating announcers are bad. He was overly critical of some of the kids. He'd say things like "If he thought about it longer and realized that the word was from Italian, he would have realize that the 'jo' sound is 'g-i-o'." (ABC tried to counter his dorkiness with a feel-good female announcer that was all motherly and protecting of the fragile children). At the same time, the ex-speller guy helped get into the mind of the spellers. It's like watching poker with Mike Sexson announcing. Since Mike Sexson plays poker at some of the highest levels, he can give better insight into the minds of the players and what they're thinking. So overall, I was pleased and now have a better understanding of how it all works.
• This is probably the most (only?) profound reaction I had. Most adults I know (myself included) could learn a lot from these kids. They obviously worked harder on their spelling than you and I have ever worked on anything in our lives. On a national stage (with the incessant clicking of cameras - couldn't they have drown that out?), they did what you and I could never do. And in their ultimate moment of disappointment and defeat (*ding*), knowing they lost their dream that they've worked their entire lives to accomplish, what did most of them do? They said "thank you". And they'd walk off. How many of us take our failures, get corrected in front of the entire nation, keep our heads high and simply say "thank you"? Not me.
• The other day I was joking about being sick in the head. I got home from softball after 10:00 pm last night and stayed up until after midnight to watch the finals. And now that I've written a semi-well-thought-out post about the spelling bee, I'm convinced. I'm one sick puppy.

6/1/06 You've Got to Know When to Fold 'Em

What's a Class C Felony? In the state of Washington, it's punishable by "as much as five years in prison and a $10,000 fine." What would constitute a Class C Felony in the state of Washington?

• possessing child pornography
• threatening the governor
• torturing an animal
• (and coming soon....) playing poker online

If that doesn't hit close enough to home, Congress is working on a federal law, in hopes to shut down online gambling.

Speaking of online gambling (and continuing on yesterday's topic) - More than $70,000 has been wagered online for tonight's spelling bee. (Also a correction from yesterday - the prelims on ESPN are this afternoon. They weren't last night. When I got home last night after 10pm, I freaked out that my DVR didn't record the prelims. Which is when I figured everything out and realized there was a correction.)

This just in - Women talk more than men.

5/31/06 Eunym

There's something really, really wrong with me. I'm sick in the head. There are millions of things I could decide to do with my evenings this week. I could take a walk by the ocean and watch a sunset. I could go out to dinner with some friends. I could even go nuts and play some poker. But what have I done? I am DVRing the National Spelling Bee. Not only am I recording the finals on ABC tomorrow, but I'm also recording the preliminary rounds on ESPN tonight.

The worst part? I'm recording it for all the wrong reasons. Sure, I'm interested because I'll invariably be impressed by the kids. But that wears off after 10 words or so. After 2 minutes of:

Socially Awkward Kid: "Can I get the language of origin?"
Uptight adult: "Latin."
Socially Awkward Kid: "Can you use it in a sentence?"
Uptight adult: "The miner hit the ROCK with his hammer."
Socially Awkward Kid: "Are there any alternate pronunciations?"
Uptight adult: "No. Just 'ROCK'."
Socially Awkward Kid: "Rock?"
Uptight adult: "Rock."
Socially Awkward Kid: "Rock? Am I saying that correctly?"
Uptight adult: "Rock."
Me: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST SPELL THE WORD!"

there's really no joy left in the competition. Which brings me back to where I'm sick in the head. I'm watching it because there will, almost definitely, be a quirky kid that will be the national joke of the week. And every year, I miss the joke. I missed the fainting kid. I missed the girl who talked into her hands before saying each and every letter. And dog gone it, I refuse to miss another classic spelling bee moment! If you really want to analyze this, perhaps the spelling bee is somewhat comforting. As socially awkward as I've been known to be, the national spelling bee somehow makes me feel a little less so. So, there you have it. Spelling bee. Tonight on ESPN, tomorrow on ABC. (The 'C' is silent).

On a personal spelling bee note, I once made it to my school finals in 8th grade. (I was never quite the speller, but due to circumstances in the prelims where half of my class misspelled the same word, I was sort of in by default). Since my slackered-ness existed back then too, I looked at the sheet and really studied one word. "Adjacent". The finals were in front of the entire school in the gym. It was my turn to go. My word? "Adjacent". "Adjacent. A-d-j-a-c-e-n-t. Adjacent." There was a long, long pause. They discussed. And they said, "Incorrect". I gave them my best Tim Duncan "Where's the whistle?" face and then I sat down in the losers lounge. Later on, I asked what I got wrong. They said they heard me say "g" instead of "j". If it weren't for that moment, I could have gone to the national spelling bee. So, in a way, I thank my inability to pronounce. It saved me from the trauma that was, is, and forever will be - The National Spelling Bee.

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(This just in....)
Poker Jason sends the experts handicapping of the Spelling Bee contestants.

5/30/06 Nacho Libre

Nacho Libre! This movie's gonna rule! (Thanks to Mike for the Nacho Libre update).

How to make the best paper airplane ever. (I actually made one this morning, but haven't flown it yet. It looks pretty sweet).

In an effort to attract more fans, the Florida Marlins are resorting to themes and give-aways. One recent theme was Jewish Heritage Day. To honor his Jewish heritage, they are giving away t-shirts of first baseman Mike Jacobs. You probably guessed it already. Mike Jacobs isn't really Jewish. "Contrary to popular belief, Jacobs is not Jewish. This small detail was apparently not known to the Marlins when, on May 28, 2006, as part of the team's Jewish Heritage Day promotion, they gave Jacobs t-shirts to young fans who attended the game."

Any headline containing "Cornhole" is inevitably going to be posted here.

5/29/06 100 Funniest Movies

I was about to hit the sack and read my new book. Then I stumbled upon Bravo's 100 Funniest Movies. (Man, I'm actually watching Bravo. What the hell is wrong with me?) I've been stuck on my couch for 2 1/2 hours now.

Has anyone gotten far in that Eye Maze game? I just don't get it.

5/28/06 The Cursing Preacher

I guess this video has been going around the internet for a while now. But (in another Larry King moment) it's new to me - The Cursing Preacher.

And another video - Pumpcast News.

My mom sends the latest nacho news... Ice Cream Nachos at U.S. Cellular Field in Chicago:

Levy Restaurants @ US Cellular Field

Ice Cream Nachos

Two scoops of ice cream on a bed of cinnamon and sugar flour tortillas topped with cherries, chocolate sauce and caramel sauce. $4.50

5/27/06 Eye Maze

Here's another goofy online game called Eye Maze. You may remember Grow Cube from quite some time ago. This is made by the same guy. Which means that it's very Japanese looking and very confusing.

I've had Netflix for just over a week now and the result has been this... I'm getting movies that I sort of wanted to see in the theater based on some preview I saw 6 months earlier, but never really got around to seeing. Which is why, on my first delivery, I got "Collateral" with Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx. It's not like I've been dying to see "Collateral". But some distant memory of the trailer 2 years ago pushed me to see it. Well, the point is this. The movie came out last year. In 2005. It takes place in L.A. and during one scene, you can see a gas station in the background. Gas was $1.89. It's nearly doubled in a year. Ok, there's no point here. I just didn't realize how much it had gone up in a year.

Question of the day:

How is this valid mathematical equation a limerick?

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3 * sqrt(4)) / 7 + 5(11) = 9^2 + 0

Thanks to Richard Lederer for the question. (If I have the time and inclination tomorrow, I'll post some more about Richard.)

5/25/06 Indefatigable

Indefatigable. What a cool word. 13 letters, 6 syllables with "fat" in the middle. Awesome.

Thanks to everyone who posted their Guilty Pleasure Band. The phone lines are still open if you want to participate.

The 3-4-6 triple play. Seems to happen once a century.

5/24/06 Your Guilty Pleasure Band

What's your guilty pleasure band? We all have at least one. Last night a family member (who shall remain anonymous) admitted to liking Michael Bolton. At first I chuckled, but I quickly stopped. The open honesty was very admirable.

This is going to an open forum (You can post anonymously if you'd like. Or better yet, just say you're "Cousin Eric" like everyone else does.) What band do you like listening to but you're ashamed to admit?

Ok, I'll start:

• I dig Collective Soul. I guarantee you know at least 3 songs on that album. And those songs rock.
• I have the entire soundtrack for "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" on my iPod. And whenever one comes up on shuffle mode, I listen to it.
• I know every Weird Al polka by heart. They're brilliant. Except the one on "Alapalooza". If all of Al's other works are an A minus, "Alapalooza" is a solid D. He must've had to fulfill some record contract obligation in a hurry when he released that one. When I first got that album, I was sad to think that I was just getting older and had outgrown Weird Al. Al called me up and said, "It's not you. It's me." For the first time in my life, I was happy to hear that.
• "The Greatest American Hero" theme song will never get skipped on my iPod. In fact, I'm still insisting that it gets played at my wedding. Come to think of it, I'm probably going to have to find someone not born in the U.S. to marry. And I'll have to convince her that "The Greatest American Hero" theme song is a traditional wedding song. Great move, eh? Starting the marriage off with deceit. Chalk this up as Reason #8729 I'm still single.
• If you read this blog regularly, you owe me a post of at least one guilty pleasure song/band. I've left my manhood hanging out there. Figuratively speaking. Well, for all you know, it's literally speaking too. Either way... point is... don't leave me hanging.

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While I'm talking about music, I was flipping through my pre-sets in the car yesterday evening. As I've mentioned before, one of the pre-sets is classical. Out of the 5 other stations, I'd classify them as one classic rock, one rock alternative and the other three are pretty cheesy, run-of-the-mill, everyone-can-agree-at-the-office kind of rock stations. I'm not particularly proud of having these stations on my pre-set, but honestly, I can't find anything else remotely in my genre of liking. But in Southern California, half of the stations are in Spanish, the most of the remainder are dance club, hip hop and Kelly Clarkson. So, eliminate all of the those and you're left with the crap on my pre-set. (Note: This is the only place I've lived without a real good rock station. There's a great one in San Diego, but I really can't get good enough reception.)

Why do I mention all of this? As I was flipping through the stations, desperate for a good song, two of the stations were playing two different Nickelback songs at the same time. This seems pretty innocuous in and of itself. But it led me into a severe depression for the night. Let's go through my levels of Nickelback depression through my thought process....

1. (immediate reaction) People actually like Nickelback?
2. (10 seconds later) I have stations on my pre-sets that would play Nickelback?
3. (20 seconds later as I scroll through my stations again) Ahh, Otis Redding. "Dock of the Bay". I can listen to this. Man, I can't believe that anyone likes Nickelback. I mean, every one of their songs is exactly the same. Same beat, same chords, same transitions, same verse, same chorus. I mean, C'MON PEOPLE!
4. (Less than a minute later, "Dock of the Bay" is over. Station goes to a commercial. I'm not really paying attention and I'm scrolling through the stations again. I'm just concentrating on traffic.) I'm now singing to myself... "This is how... you remind me of what I really am!"
5. (30 seconds later, my head bobbing ever so slightly) "I've been wrong! I've been down!..." I shudder.
6. (I shudder like I just found out that the hottie I've been making out with for the past 15 minutes is a transvestite. I turn off the radio, embarrassed, gagging and completely sickened with myself). I know every word to that Nickelback song. And... I... I was... liking it.
7. I tried contacting Eddie Murphy for some psychological advice. If rocking out to Nickelback is like accidentally making out with a transvestite, he'd be the guy to help me through this. I mean, what does that say about you if you're enjoying the making out, but only realize afterwards what you're doing? It doesn't change the fact that you were enjoying it at the time. That's how I felt. Dirty, deceived and depressed. It's nothing I can ever take back. It's forever etched in my memory and my life's journey. I feel dirty and ashamed. I think I need a hug.

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I hear that Jack FM is in just about every major market nowadays? I don't know about your Jack FM, but here people call in and leave brief messages for "Jack". I want to call up and leave a backhanded compliment, but I can't quite figure out how to go about this. Let me know if you have any suggestions. But the tone of the call is to congratulate "Jack" on setting some sort of record... You know, like 1000 consecutive songs with a lame 4/4 tempo. Every one of the songs on that station has the same, unimaginative 4/4 beat. Ideas?

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You still owe me a guilty pleasure song/band. Post it below.

5/23/06 DUI

Officer: License and Registration please.
Driver: ...........
Officer: You were swerving back there. Have you had anything to drink tonight.
Driver: No, officer.
(Thanks to Poker Jason for the story)

An anonymous poster suggested creating your own online cryptex (en lieu of a real one from the Da Vinci Code game).

While I'm on the topic of anonymous posters, we received a post from "Cousin Eric" about a month or two ago. And Cousin Eric says he never posted it. Which means, we have an imposter Cousin Eric. I suggest that we have a bit of a sleuthing game... Let's uncover the imposter Cousin Eric.

5/22/06 Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.

"24" is just awesome. Can't wait for next season.

Where's the Wonderwheel? And Air Hockey?

Can you pass the gallon challenge? Meet the self-proclaimed champion.

How's your geography? Of Europe?

5/21/06 Border Patrol

I've been receiving a lot of emails lately about the U.S. immigration policy. The vast majority of the emails are coming from friends of mine in Mexico. The messages are real similar to the ridiculous forwards you normally get... Like, "Don't buy gas at Exxon or Shell and they'll be forced to lower their prices". But in this case it's... "Senator [don't remember his name] from Wisconsin voted against the legalization of immigrants. He is also a chairman at Kimberly Clark. Therefore, boycott all Kimberly Clark products." While both methods are pretty useless, the point here is the importance of the issue. From the huge outpouring of emails about the immigration issue from my friends in Mexico, it is clearly evident that it is a very hot topic there. Even more so than it is here.

That being said, I really don't have an official stance on the immigration issue. I don't even have an unofficial stance. I know people that have strong opinions on both sides and I understand all of the points of view. But one thing I can appreciate is clever solutions to problems like this. My vote for the most clever solution is Gator Aid.

ESPN columnist Gene Wojciechowski on the scene... "Albert Pujols is great." (Completely agreed). The St. Louis Cardinals are tied for the major league's best record with the "Chicago White Sox and Detroit Lions". (Ummm.)

5/20/06 I'm Sailing Away

Set an open course for the virgin sea
'Cause I've got to be free
Free to face the life that's ahead of me
On board I'm the captain
So climb aboard
We'll search for tomorrow
On every shore
And I'll try, oh Lord, I'll try
To carry on

This is probably the most borderline girly thing I'm going to post and say, "Check it out - this is cool". The Evolution of Dance.

You think they know?

5/19/06 Dear NSA

Do you have a question for the NSA? Write them here. They use their data mining techniques and know more about you than you might expect. Some sample questions and answers:

Q: My wife suggested that I get this new haircut, how does it look?
A: It's fine -- but what's up with the pedicure?

Q: Where did I leave my keys?
A: Inside pocket of your gray jacket (it's hanging in the front closet).

Q: Can I substitute margarine for butter in my Toll House cookie recipe?
A: We know that you've been smoking pot.

Q: Should I be worried about this red bump on my arm?
A: You should be more worried about the lump on your kidney.

Here's some Bathroom Print Worthy material for the day - The Mailbag. Hey this gives me an idea. I should start a mailbag. If you have a question, email it.

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(Softball follow up)....

And in case you were wondering about the outcome of the softball game... We lost 15-6. The other team was "The Bayside Tigers". They were all kinds of organized with Bayside shirts and all. It was pretty impressive and they've definitely played together before. Maybe I was a little distracted by Kelly Kipowski's uber-hotness, but we gave it our best. (Note: Kelly Kipowski wasn't on the team. But some of the girls were still pretty hot.) Our team was just thrilled to not have the 15-run "Mercy Rule" called. If it weren't for a monster 8-run, 4th inning for A.C. Slater and Co., we would've been right in there. I won't quite say that all (or even most) of the 15 runs were "earned". But I pitched the entire game and take responsibility for all of them. And let me tell you, hitting a 2 foot by 2 foot mat behind the plate from 50 feet AND putting a 6 to 12 foot arc on the ball isn't that easy. (That mat is the strike zone). For sports fans, it's sort of like hitting 3 pointers, or playing darts, or bowling - you just have to focus and get used to hitting a small target from far away. Or, for the techies out there, it's like playing the old DOS Shell game, Gorilla. Where you would throw bananas and factor in the gravity, initial velocity, arc angle, wind, etc. The sad part is that the team was thrilled that I was throwing strikes and wants to keep me on the mound for future games.

Career pitching stats - 6 IP, 15 runs, 2 Ks, 1 BB

Season hitting stats - 2 for 2, 1 RBI

5/18/06 Netflix

I joined Netflix. It was an semi-impulsive decision. I've considered joining for a long time now, but couldn't pull the trigger. I've been to their website a dozen times over the last few months, but couldn't justify joining. Then yesterday, in a moment of weakness at the office, (Note: My office bans the Da Vinci Code stuff but I can check out Netflix and ESPN. Go figure.) I gave them my credit card number and joined. I tell you this because Netflix has the "friend" area. Where friends can read each others' reviews and make recommendations. Currently, I have 2 friends. You can be the 3rd. I used my Gmail address (if you need it, just email me). Sadly, I've actually put the old TV show "Sledgehammer" in my queue. Both seasons. All 8 discs. That alone should be a sign that I made a terrible choice. And it's also a sign that you shouldn't adhere to any of my recommendations.

Alright, most people will think this is pretty messed up. But it made me giggle. Ok, I don't giggle. I chuckled. Some guy has a blog about his poos. In organized detail.

(The rest of this post is a personal story. If you're not interested, don't read it)

Tonight is my team's first softball game of the season. In fact, it's my first organized game since I was about 14 years old. Actually, I take that back. I played one game in "The Mexican Leagues" a couple of years ago. (I need to get this off my chest, so please bear with me). The only reason I ended up playing was that some guy was dating one of my roommates and, as a favor to my roommate, he invited me to play. I took 3 buses to some random area in Guadalajara that I had never been.

They put me at third base. There was one out, runners at first and second. A sharp ground ball was hit to my left. I scoop it up and, using my momentum, throw to second. The second baseman throws to first. But the first baseman, who was also our manager, wasn't ready for the ball. He blamed me for not reversing direction, running back to 3rd base and getting the lead runner. I got pulled immediately after that inning. To this day the entire situation bothers me. It's not a real bright spot in my baseball career. Come to think of it, there really aren't that many at all. I went 3 for 3 once, I think. And I tagged a runner out using the hidden ball trick at first base. That was fun.

Onto tonight's softball game. Here's an idea of how bad our team is. Last night, our catcher, Doreen, came by to say hello during poker night. (Her husband plays poker with us). She said, "You know you're pitching tomorrow, right?" I hesitated, "Uh, what?" "Yeah, you're pitching." "For the entire game?" "Yeah. You're the only one who can get the ball over the plate." My friends, this is a slow pitch, underhand softball league. If none of our 16 players can accurately toss a ball 50 feet, we're in serious trouble. To tell you the truth, I can only pray that I can leave with a Jose Lima-esque 6.50 ERA. There's nothing tricky about my pitching. It goes up. And it comes down. And most likely, it'll be hit 250 feet over my head. If I remember, I'll give a quick recap tomorrow.

5/17/06 Stacked

Compared to previous years, I've been trying really hard to avoid talking about the White Sox. It finally hit me that my biggest beef with "The Sports Guy" is that he writes WAY too much about the Red Sox and the Patriots. As you well know, I'm a huge fan of his writing and tend to link to his articles quite a bit. But the articles that focus on Boston and his buddies are the ones I tend to just glance over. They're just way too personal and far too boring. On the flip side, the rest of his articles are usually "Bathroom Print Worthy" or BPW. Those are the articles that you'll print out in the office and bring with you to the bathroom. You'll also read the entire article without regard to the numbness in your leg.

That entire lead-up was only to justify the fact that I'm posting something about the White Sox. A feature article about the White Sox organization was front and center on ESPN.com today. The article is entitled "Williams has Sox loaded for years to come". My first reaction was - "It's about friggin' time somebody recognized the job GM Kenny Williams is doing!" Soon followed by a reaction of, "Damnit. Things were way better when nobody expected anything about the White Sox. Things can only go downhill from here." They've gone from underappreciated (which I talked about all last year when they had the best record in baseball wire-to-wire and nobody seemed to care) to a little over-hyped.

What have I learned from all of this? That I'm never happy. I bitched when the media ignored them. And now I'm upset that they're prematurely being considered the next baseball dynasty. It should be of no surprise to anyone that I may never get married. I'm just one grumpy dude.

Have you read the latest article on chimp to human evolution? One of the biggest gaps in my understanding of the theory of evolution is the actual evolution part. Let's say a bunch of chimps exist. Then there's some mutant chimp that is really human (as is my understanding of evolution). How does the mutant chimp procreate more mutant chimps? If it can procreate, then it's not a human. It's still a chimp, right? Where is the separation? Anyways, here's the article in a nutshell...

There were chimps. They split up. The evolved in their own ways, but were still chimps. They met up again millions of years later. They mated. Their goofy offspring mated with the original groups. Voila. Evolution. Or something like that.

5/16/06 Damn You Office Security!

Our new friend Joanna won a cryptex. Congratulations! And (shaking my fist at my computer screen) damn my office for banning the sites necessary to win one of my own!

My neighbor Bridget sends a list of useful websites:

www.indeed.com - seaches all major job search engines at one time
consumersearch.com - like Consumer Reports, but free
sidestep.com - searches all major travel engines for the lowest price
opentable.com - searches for restaurant availablility and makes reservations
shopittome.com - alerts you of sales based on your favorite brands & sizes
choosetosave.org - financial calculators & advice without the sales pitches

Mid Day Snack

Just in case you need a little break, here's a little brain teaser. (It's not super hard, but it should keep you busy for a few minutes).

You have to put away a bunch of board games. From left to right, what order are the games?

The colors of the board games are blue, brown, green, orange, purple, red, and yellow.

1. Purple is somewhere to the left of green.
2. Red is next to blue.
3. Brown is 3 away from blue. (2 between)
4. Yellow is 2 away from red.
5. Blue is in the middle.
6. Orange is directly between yellow and purple

5/15/06 Cheer Up, Charlie

Willy Wonka warned you to behave. On a side note, I was getting ready this morning, listening to my Yahoo Launchcast station. And the song "Cheer Up, Charlie" came on. Then I read about the chocolate factory incident. It's coincidences like this that seem... well, far too coincidental. If I find the golden ticket and run into Slugworth on the way home today, I'm officially changing my stance on divine intervention.

Libya has finally gotten over being on the wrong side of the "plutonium for used pinball machine parts" deal. Doc Brown and Moammar Gadhafi seen bowling together.

5/14/06 Pretty in Pink

While watching the ESPN Sunday night baseball game, I saw 3 things I've never really seen live.

1) A triple play (this one I'm not sure about. I may have seen one live before). It was the first triple play in the majors in more than a year.

2) A shortstop dodging a broken bat while charging, scooping up the ball and throwing the runner out

3) Men using pink bats and wearing pink arm bands.

(Added later) - I saw a 4th thing that NONE of us have EVER seen before. A starting pitcher giving up 7 runs in the 1st inning and still winning the game. Congratulations (??) to Mark Buehrle for pulling off the feat for the first time since September 29th, 1900.

5/13/06 So, You Had a Bad Day

It's been a while since I've given a back-handed compliment to a new, popular song. I was going to write about "Bad Day" a while ago, but then I saw Daniel Powter on VH1 and he seemed like a really nice guy. So it's hard for me to poo-poo his passion. But still, c'mon everyone. What do you see in this guy? It's been a while since we've had a deep, meaningful, whiny song in the mainstream. This reminds me a lot of the beautiful insight of Semisonic's "Closing Time" of nearly a decade ago....

Closing time - time for you to go out, go out into the world.
Closing time - turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
Closing time - one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time - you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

Absolutely brilliant, boys.

Check out the Billboard top 200. Actually, just check out the top, uh, one. (Notice that it's not Semisonic).

Dumb question of the day... When did killer whales stop being called killer whales? I'm not sure how I feel about the whole Orca thing.

5/12/06 There's No Place Like Home

My mom sends a cartoon putting the current political goings on to the Wizard of Oz.

Follow up on the Da Vinci Code Quest Game Thing....

Bob and I want to know if anybody won a Cryptex. We were both a bit nutty the last day of the competition (since we're both under the impression that the 1st 10,000 entrants would win). And both of us couldn't access all of the pages necessary at work to complete the task quickly. Joanna? Did you win anything? Anyone else? Bob and I are really keen on getting our hands on a cryptex.

A couple of random things:

1) Happy birthday, Nacho Expert!

2) I was playing basketball this afternoon with some pretty good competition. (Translation - They were WAY better than me. As long as I wasn't shooting or dribbing or doing anything dumb, everyone was happy). I had no time to warm up and I was 0 for 3 (over the course of 4 games) from 3-point range. Basically I just ran around and set picks for the good players. My fourth 3-point shot was an open shot from the left corner. The shot felt really good as I released it. But immediately I heard a light thud and I couldn't quite figure out how somebody got a hand on my shot. I could've sworn I was wide open. Then I noticed a bird that flew directly over my head onto the court. So, yeah. I hit a bird. Or, more the the point, the bird blocked my shot. Look at it this way. The bird had as many blocks as I did in 3 hours of playing. Or, look at it this way. I hit more birds than I did 3-pointers. Don't worry - the bird flew off and appeared to be fine. But after the miss (sadly, that was my closest shot up until that point) the other team took possession. Somehow it didn't seem fair. To me or the bird.

3) There's nothing quite like watching Shawn Marion shoot. He's a tremendous player and all. It's just that he has this fruity, girl-like form. Oh, I figured out why. He's from Waukegan. (Did I just offend gays, women, the Phoenix Suns and people from Waukegan in 20 words or less? Oops.)

5/11/06 God's Debris

My dad sends a link to a free online book called God's Debris. The author calls it a "thought experiment". It's a quick, thought-provoking read. While you might not agree with everything that is said, it's still worthwhile if you take it at face value. According to some, this book can be classified as a modern version of the Hindu philosophy of Advaita Vedanta. You can either read it on your computer. Or you can do like me - print it out and appear to be reading documentation. Oh, and did I mention that the author is Scott Adams of Dilbert fame?

Why is there a hurricane forming around Detroit?

What? The bird flu frenzy is a "flight of fancy"? After we spent $1,400,000,000 on vaccines? "The name is Dumass".

Who searches for "nachos" most? Koreans.

Check out the minimum wage in your state. It's almost worth living in Santa Fe for the $9.50 an hour.

5/10/06 Let's Play Twister, Let's Play RISK.

Another large earthquake rattled Kamchatka today. Forces must re-evaluate their plan to attack Alaska.

"In California, only 14% of people could afford a median-priced home in December, when the median was $548,430" In a continued effort to put us all into a life-long indentured servitude, banks are now beginning to offer a 50-year mortgage. Why do I have the distinct feeling that this housing market is a giant pyramid scheme? One that I missed out on right around the time I was born.

5/9/06 714*

714. As a son of a baseball fan, that number has been locked into place. It resides in the part of my brain that remains as permanent as the ability to use my hands and feet. 714 is the number of homeruns that Babe Ruth hit in his career. When Babe Ruth broke the all-time homerun record, he did it at 139 homeruns. In 1920, Babe Ruth hit 54 homeruns, smashing the single season record of 29. In fact, he out-homered every single team except for one (the Phillies). His dominance of the game is something we will never see again. It would be like someone hitting 110 homeruns a season. Every season. It just won't happen.

All that being said, I learned something new about the homerun rule. Up until 1931, any ball that bounced over the outfield wall was considered a homerun. Babe Ruth's career spanned from 1914 - 1935. Today, it's a ground rule double. How many of Babe Ruth's homeruns bounced? I have no idea.

Every so often someone will ask what websites I visit on a regular basis. I'm sure, like most of you, I visit the same few sites all the time. Well my friends, it's time to broaden our horizons. The 2006 Webby Awards have been announced. The nominees and winners of more than 60 categories are listed.

5/8/06 Stephen Colbert

When I read an article saying that a video clip by Stephen Colbert was removed from IFilm and YouTube... I, well, had to find it. And here it is.

It's been way too long since there's been an online game posted here. This is probably the craziest game I've ever played. Four Second Fury.

Speaking of YouTube, I saw the Avis / XM radio commercial maybe 7 times in an hour yesterday. It was funny all 7 times.

Bob is taking his correction very well and has continued sending informative links. This time it is to the Hanso Foundation. He suggests checking out the newsletter.

5/7/06 Exarads (Part Deux)

As I (we?) near the completion of the Da Vinci Code game, I finally got an answer to the "exarad" question. Joanna (who I don't know, but it's hot that a random woman answered this question for me) writes:

Nope, you're right! Bob is a tad off. [Editor's Note: Bob's always been "a tad off". Just kidding, Bob :)] The answer works out to be c^2 (c = light speed = 299,792,458 m/s, obviously). But they want it in exarads! Eep! Rads don't refer to radians here, but radiation (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rad_%28unit%29), which is expressed in J/kg (joules per kilogram), which can be converted to m^2/s^2 (http://www.vsg.cape.com/~pbaum/si.htm). So by rounding up to the nearest whole number you get an answer of 9. This game was made for geeks like us! :P

THANKS JOANNA!

Only two more days until the game is complete. I hope one of us wins the Cryptex.

5/6/06 Hopelandic

Mike sends an informational article about the Icelandic band Sigur Ros.

"On the first three Sigur Rós albums (Von, Von Brigði, Ágætis Byrjun), Jónsi sang most songs in Icelandic but two of them (Von and Olsen Olsen) were sung in 'Hopelandic'. All of the vocals ( ) are in Hopelandic. Hopelandic (Vonlenska in Icelandic) is the 'invented language' in which Jónsi sings before lyrics are written to the vocals. It's of course not an actual language by definition (no vocabulary, grammar, etc.), it's rather a form of gibberish vocals that fits to the music and acts as another instrument. Jónsi likens it with what singers sometimes do when they've decided on the melody but haven't written the lyrics yet. Many languages were considered to be used on ( ), including English, but they decided on Hopelandic. Hopelandic (Vonlenska) got its name from first song which Jónsi sang it on, Hope (Von)."

Reminds me of scatting in vocal jazz. In my high school jazz group, we bet a guy that he couldn't incorporate "donuts" into his scat during a concert. He did... "D-d-d-donuts". It exists on video tape somewhere.

Speaking of Sigur Ros, Mike also sends some free (legal) downloads of Sigur Ros songs.

5/5/06 10,000 Days

The new Tool CD is out. Just thought you'd like to know.

In a sign that I have memory problems, every year on this day I see that traffic to NachosRule.com is up. And every year, like an alzheimers patient, I try and figure out why. Then about 3 hours later it clicks... cinco de mayo... mexico... mexican food... nachos.... NACHOS RULE! Happy cinco de mayo to all... have a margarita and a cerveza for me.

I can't really think of anything interesting I learned today. So I'll leave you with this inspirational quote I read on Google today...

"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something." - Robert Heinlein

5/4/06 Freakonomics

Cousin Barry gave me the book "Freakonomics" to read a few months back. Only yesterday did I realize that the author has an ongoing blog (not that there are really any non-ongoing blogs, but you get the point). This blog talks about about a pop artist that is giving away her music on a donation only basis. She suggests $.99 per song. She's averaging $1.14 per song. You hear that music industry?! People ARE willing to pay for music. WE'RE NOT CRIMINALS! So quit treating us like we are. (Sorry, I think the new job is making me extra cranky).

I'm going to jail. And so are you.

3,738 lactating moms set new world record for "most sucking babies in one place" previously held by Duke.

5/3/06 Russians

It's always good to get Russia back in the news. I sort of miss the Commie-ass-kicking movies of my childhood. My favorite is the Rambo where John Rambo helps the Taliban kick the Russians out of Afghanistan. It seems as though I might get my wish - Gorbechev is back making headlines. Would anyone be opposed to a Gorbechev / Cheney cage death match? I know I'd pay a pretty penny to see it. I'd even help fund the Ivan Drago steroids to juice up Gorby.

5/2/06 The Month Ahead

Looks like we have quite a week ahead of us. The "Day without Immigrants" kicked us off. And, in an unrelated call to arms, Friday will not only be El Cinco de Mayo... but is also No Pants Day. Tequila and no pants seem to be our generation's chocolate and peanut butter.

Not to be outdone, June 6th is staking a claim to "most exciting day of the year"... A day where the fear mongering media is promoting 6/6/06. "With June 6, 2006, rapidly approaching, authorities in Colorado and elsewhere are carefully watching to see if that date - 6/6/06 - spurs demonstrations or violent activity." Can't you see the South Park episode already in the works?

But wait, there's more! If you're not scared yet, the media isn't done! If getting slayed by a bunch of aging Black Sabbath fans doesn't instill fear... maybe 2 million Americans dying of the bird flu will. How many cases of this flu have been reported? Worldwide? It's in the hundreds? Maybe? Why are we now getting headlines saying that 40% of Americans will be sick and unable to work. 2 million of which will die. Where is the logical move from point A (a few people in Asia have died from the flu) to point B (EVERYBODY PANIC! THE END IS NEAR!)? God, I hate the media.

5/1/06 A Day Without Immigrants

Who participated in a march today? To me, protests are pretty cool. And I'm happy to see groups of people gather together and show what they believe in. Did anybody have any impact on their lives? I'd like to hear stories. The biggest impact on my day is that traffic to and from work was WAY better than normal. I got to work in almost half the time I usually do. Too bad traffic isn't like that all the time. You know... I'm just sayin'.

Chief Industry Genius Marshal Cohen on the impact of gas prices: "When gas prices go up 5 cents a gallon, that's maybe an extra $10 a week out of consumers' pockets. But when they're going up 15 cents and more, it means $20 extra a week,"