Sunday, January 01, 2012

So I decided to try eHarmony

I was a post-holiday sucker and fell for eHarmony's free weekend trial over New Years.  Having not dated successfully in years, there was really nothing to lose.


Their survey (or as they call it, 29 dimensions of compatibility) takes quite a while to fill out.  I'm sure, like everyone else, there's a bit of self deception when it comes to some of your less desirable habits.  Like, am I really going to admit that I spend a lot of time in front of my computer?  Or that I don't really give a shit about over-priced gourmet food?  Well, actually I did admit the latter.

So I'm as honest as possible without sounding like a total loser.  It then searches for matches.  You wait a minute while it does so.  In fact, if you go to another window, the countdown pauses until you come back, so you can watch their advertising.  After the 60 second countdown... Nothing.  I wait a day, as I heard sometimes it takes a while.  Nothing.  2 days?   Still the same message....


After 2 days, I finally get a couple of matches.  The smallest matching radius is 30 miles.  In a major metropolitan area, 30 miles is far.  (Ok, so I'm lazy.)  I check out the matches, read their profiles and have no idea what they look like.  You have to pay to see pictures.  Let's face it... aren't we all interested in what they look like?  If we were to be honest, that's a big part of it.

The cheapest plan is for 3 months at $45 a month.  If my math is correct, that's $135 to give this a shot.

I'm not sold yet.   So I read a little bit more, with some wishful thinking that there might be someone remotely interesting that would convince me to spend $135.

There's a profile "question" that has you list "5 things you can't live without".  I put a lot of thought into this.  I can live without most of what I have.  I narrow my choices down to water, shelter, food, electricity and  I reluctantly add clothes.  I'm not being a literal minded dick here.  I honestly could do just fine without my TV, computer and whatever else people say.  In fact, it would be a breath of fresh air to find someone else that isn't so caught up in that nonsense.

I begin to read the profiles of the girls I'm matched up with.  What are their answers?  "Fluffy pillows", "pedicures", "hockey", "french fries" (she better have relatives that died in the potato famine, or this is unacceptable), "pinkberry" (That's frozen yogurt.  Which I decided was ok, since 100% of all people that never ate frozen yogurt have eventually died.  True statistic.)  And almost every one put "My iPhone".  So it's not just my imagination that most people I meet are materialistic.


I get an email this morning that one of the girls wants to initiate conversation.  I read the first thing on her profile.  It reads, "I am a Republican so Democrats need not apply.  Sorry but I am looking for someone with the same values and ethics as myself."  This alone I have no problem with.  Good luck with that.  I'm glad you're open and honest up front.  You've just got the wrong guy.

When asked about politics, I pretty filled out the "Don't give a shit" form.  Long story short, I don't think talking politics really ever accomplishes anything.  You scream until you're blue in the face and nothing ever gets done.  Life is way too short to get upset about things you can't control.  You best enjoy whatever years you have on this earth, regardless of what's going on in Washington DC.

If you insist... At gunpoint, my beliefs are closest to libertarian, as I'd like to see the government stay out of most things (social and financial alike).  At double gunpoint, I'd choose democrat over republican, for the simple reason that people shouldn't be told what to to with their lives.  (Basically I'm choosing social freedoms over financial freedoms).  How did I get matched up with this chick?  Nice job, eHarmony.

Thanks, but no thanks

Thanks for the free trial, eHarmony.  But I'm not interested.  It's easy to get discouraged in life.  Trust me, I know.  There are plenty of people that'll remind you that you're not _________ enough.  Instead, I'd rather surround myself with people that are genuinely happy with who they are and who I am.  And for that, I suspend my search indefinitely, hoping that, one day, she'll be just right.  And so will I.

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