Thursday, August 31, 2006

8/31/06 August, We Hardly Knew Ye.

Really nothing much to post today. The Rock Paper Scissors World Championships are on November 11th this year.

Also, I need fantasy football help. My family's league starts next week (with the rest of the NFL and the world). But we've yet to draft and will take any advice you may have.

Da Bears


Wednesday, August 30, 2006

8/30/06 Popularity Contest

The newest popularity contest is now online - Google Nicki is back in touch and she sends an article about cyberfame. (BTW, Nicki says Google in hiring in Chicago if you're interested).

Like Wikipedia. Only more like The Onion - Uncyclopedia.

The city of Los Angeles welcomes her majesty... (Ahhhh.... Ohhhh)... the queen of England... (oooh... Whooops....) (Here's the video) (And here's the movie I was referring to)

We love to fly. And it shows.

I like to think I'm ahead of the curve. We all like to feel a little better than average, right? Young baby boomers have held, on average 10.5 different jobs. Conservatively, I'm on 6 already. Hey baby, wanna date a dude who can't hold a steady job? Damn, I'm smooth.


What's more impressive?

A guy solving the Rubik's Cube with one hand.

A guy solving a 5x5x5 Rubik's Cube.

A 5-year old solving the Rubik's Cube.


As I woke up this morning I thought about 2 video clips I'd love to see again. I found one. I beg and plead that you help me find the other.

1) Gheorghe Muresan cologne - Do you want to smell like me?
2) The 1992 Vice Presidential Debate with Admiral Stockdale. "Who am I? Why am I here?" If you're affiliated with a media or academic institution, you can help.


I was watching an episode of the Family Guy last night and I had one of those moments where I started to laugh really hard and kind of stopped mid-way because my conscience got the best of me - She'll pretty much have to. (Inappropriate for audiences under 18.)

Ok, while I'm still writing (waiting for my laundry to dry) and talking about the Family Guy - A Peter Griffin Christmas.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

8/29/06 Good Luck

Ninety nine percent of what happens to us during the day is routine and we don't think twice about it. It is those rare one percenters that grab my attention and tend to be the topics I like to write about. Which leads me to today's topic - I have a problem and I need your help. In recent face to face conversations, parting words haven't been what I have expected. My expectation when I leave a conversation is a short list of phrases that you don't even really think about - they're like reflexes.

"See you later"
"Have a good day"
"Take care"
"Thanks, man" (I say this at work sometimes, utilizing the word "man", as the consummate professional I am).
"Take it easy"

You know the routine. It's to the point where conversation is so ingrained in our routine that you often hear: "What's up?" "Good, and you?" And nobody really cares that the answer had nothing to do with the question.

Ok - onto the problem... Only recently have I noticed people saying "Good luck" as their final parting words. For example I ran into my buddy's dad this morning outside of the market. Our conversation went something like this:

Dave - "Hey, Mark"
Me - "Hey Dave. You're looking sharp." (He was wearing a tie)
Dave - "Thanks. I need to look good for the women's shoe section. Are you off to work?"
Me - "Yup." (Awkward feeling where I don't know if he's expecting more conversation... Eh, I'm running late, let's cut this short.) "Ok Dave, have a good day."
Dave - "Thanks Mark. Good luck."

And scene. Which leaves me wondering... Why am I being wished "Good luck"? Is this the new thing to say? Is it a California thing that I haven't noticed until now? Do I just look like I'm in need of luck? Honestly, I'm looking for an answer. Does this only happen to me? Is "Good luck" an appropriate way to end a conversation? Help a confused brotha' out.




In probably the saddest, dorkiest bout of nostalgia you'll ever hear about, I spent nearly an hour browsing old NES games. I can even remember, in striking detail, the crappy midi songs from most of them. The saddest part is that there were some games I never finished and I actually feel bad that I never put in the time to complete them. (I guarantee that if you grew up playing NES, you'll spend at least 10 minutes browsing the games too, so don' t be so quick to judge). During this nerdy journey back to my childhood, I learned about a cover band called The NESkimos. I hope they sound like The Advantage, cuz their NES cover songs rule.

Monday, August 28, 2006

8/28/06 The Files

From the "Let's make a bold prediction" files - It will be cold this winter.

From the "Love what you do. Do what you love" files - Fire fighter charged with conspiracy to commit arson.

From the "Boobies are better" files - China rejects U.S. powdered milk, claiming it is too toxic.

From the "Wiki" files - What do people Wiki? Hint: After Pluto, it's lots of porn (and I ain't talkin' Uranus). *Groan*.

From the "When will he stop talking about complicated music" files - How the Fibonacci sequence applies to the creation of the 12 tone scale. (And why a 19 and 31 tone scale might be the next generation of music).

Finally... From the "My birthday's coming up and I'm only here to help" files - This chair is the greatest invention ever.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

8/27/06 Voulez-vous du beurre?

In a move completely out of the blue, on Friday I decided to try and learn French. There's really no reason behind it. It's just a new challenge. I've been at it for, oh, 48 hours. And I can't pronounce for shit. I read the phrase in a book. I hear the phrase spoken from a CD. I then try to repeat what I've just read and heard out loud. And it sounds like a garbled mess of, well, my trying terribly to speak French. I can't quite figure out which half of the letters to ignore when pronouncing them. I've gotten as far as thinking to myself, "Everything seems to run downhill in French." Meaning that the stress tends to be earlier in the word than I'm used to. So, next time you see me, don't say anything in French because I'm really not that far along yet (and I'll go all Kevin Arnold on you, repeatedly asking you if you'd like some butter - And if you know what I'm talking about, you too watched too much TV as a kid). Plus, by the time you see me next, I'll have most likely quit this whole, "I'm gonna learn French" kick.

Onto what I did learn in French (if you took French in school, you already know this, so just move along). I learned that they must've been drunk when they were inventing numbers. They were doing just fine through the 60's. Then, when it came time to invent a word for 70. They just said, "Eh, fuck it." So they continued with "sixty ten, sixty eleven, sixty twelve". Insert your own, "I guess they got stuck on 69 and... (fill in the ending here)" joke. By the time you count to 80, it's "Four twenties" and 90 is "Four twenties ten". It's like some sad, inefficient compromise between Roman Numerals and a real base 10 number system.


If Super Troopers went all Brokeback. (Sadly, only the background music has changed). If you've never seen Super Troopers, all you need to see is the intro and you'll be hooked.


Saturday, August 26, 2006

8/26/06 Win a Poker Lesson

Since I don't have that many real friends, I have to fill up my MySpace with fake friends. Among my "fake" friends are poker greats, Phil Gordon and Howard Lederer (I do sort of know his dad, but that doesn't really count.) Well, from MySpace, I learned that Phil Gordon is raffling off a free poker lesson.

Remember all of the cool things you thought were going to exist in the future when you were little? Like flying cars and weekend trips to outer space? Despite the rampant disappointment, it looks like one invention is just around the corner - 3D TV.

Another game - write a speech for GW.

Remember when I wrote something about how I thought the U.S. was the puppet master in the Israel and Lebanon "skirmish". Well, yeah. (Thanks to my anonymous friend who can choose to give his/her identity if he/she pleases for sending the article).

8/25/06 Fudge 'Ems

Have you seen the Dominoes Pizza commercial with the Fudge 'Ems? It's a giant cube shaped lump of poo with tiny hands and feet. The mom touches it and gets doody on her hand. Then, her little girl goes up and hugs the giant turd and gets it all over herself. Her shirt, her face, her arms and hands. It's sickening. How did this get past the focus group? Is there some demographic where poop is appetizing?


I was "sick" from work today. To take advantage of this precious free time, I ran a couple of errands. One of my errands was going to my normal barber for a haircut. I was in the "in between" stage for a haircut. But I'm going home to visit family and friends in less than 2 weeks, and by then, my hair would be too long. The place I go to is one of the few old school barber shops left, especially in southern California. I walk in and the guy I normally go to isn't there. Some other guy just motions for me to sit down. If you're like me, you get into a habit where you stick with the same barber (or hair stylist in your case) because you know exactly what you're gonna get. And, I say this with all due respect... This guy was old. Like, World War II vet old. He asked how I wanted him to cut my hair. I said, "Use a number blade on the side and back." "Eh?" I know, I tend to mumble. I'm a mumbler. But I spoke slowly and clearly. And he had no idea what I was saying. Eventually we figured out which blade to use. He picked up the clippers with both hands, like one would pick up a 25 pound sword you might see in a Lord of the Rings movie. He used both hands the entire time. I tried to convince myself that it's only a haircut and, worst case, it'll grow back. At that moment, I noticed my reflection in the mirror directly in front of me. And I looked absolutely petrified. No wonder I can't contain my tells in poker - My expression was written all over my face. Long story short, my friend, Natalie, complimented the haircut that afternoon (and Natalie's an honest soul will tell you what's on her mind, so I trust her), so I feel alright about the whole experience. Now.

During the afternoon of errands I also went to get one of those inside and out car wash jobs since I'm trying to sell my car. I sat next to some guy who had that "I wish I could be in the cast of Entourage" looks to him. He was getting a $150 wash on his 1995 Toyota Corolla. I admire that. Although I had a personal rule that I won't spend more than 1% of the total value of my car on a wash. He far exceeded my personal rule of thumb. But I try to follow the immortal words of Metallica - "Judge not, lest ye be judged yourself." Anyways, he doesn't surprise me one bit when he starts talking about smoking weed within 60 seconds. According to this guy, in the state of California you can obtain a prescription for marijuana for $200 for one year (and $100 every year thereafter). This part didn't exactly surprise me. The part that surprised me was what he was buying with the prescription. This dude says that, with a prescription, you can buy pot filled lollipops, brownies, cookies, along with 1/8 ounce bags of pot. What the hell kind of pharmacies are these? Was this dude full of shit? The whole thing seems so shady.


I learned something from The Sports Guy. The lyrics to I Think I'm Turning Japanese is about masturbation.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The King's Wise Men

It's been a while. But it's mid-day puzzle time (no cheating):

The King called the three wisest men in the country to his court to decide who would become his new advisor. He placed a hat on each of their heads, such that each wise man could see all of the other hats, but none of them could see their own. Each hat was either white or blue. The king gave his word to the wise men that at least one of them was wearing a blue hat - in other words, there could be zero, one, or two white hats, but not three. The king also announced that the contest would be fair to all three men. The wise men were also forbidden to speak to each other. The king declared that whichever man stood up first and announced the colour of his own hat would become his new advisor. The wise men sat for a very long time before one stood up and correctly announced the answer. What did he say, and how did he work it out?

Click on the Comments section for the answer...

8/24/06 Dying and KY

Do you ever wonder how you're going to be remembered after you die? Like, are you going to be the person that everyone speaks very kindly of at the funeral, but deep down they're all kind of relieved that you're no longer a burden in their lives? You know what I'm talking about. Where everyone careful selects very non-descript words, but everyone can read between the lines.

"Henry was a free spirit." - Translation: "Henry did whatever the hell he pleased and didn't give a rat's ass about anyone but himself. Good riddance, you selfish prick."

"Brett always lit up the room with his peaceful smile." - Translation: "Brett spent the last decade unaware that he was shitting his pants while we cleaned it up."

"There wasn't a soul who didn't like Tammy. Her electric personality made everybody smile." - Translation: "My sister was a whore."

Ultimately though, does it really matter? You know, since we're all going to die anyways and it's not like you know anything about your ancestors from 300 years ago? I have lots of questions about death, as we all do. It's weird. It's scary. It's unknown. That being said - there's only one thing I know for sure about death. I sure as hell don't want my obituary to read:

"...discovered naked with KY Jelly and a condom next to his body."


My dad sends a clip of Dennis Leary commentating at a Boston Red Sox game. It's hilarious.


Alright! A stupid, addictive game for today.... Paper Toss.


More good news! The Wizard is now available on DVD.


For the first time ever, I feel a little less bad about having a big butt.


Pluto. You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

8/23/06 Hey! It's Enrico Palazzo!

With my birthday coming up, I really didn't need to feel any worse about getting older. Then, I found this - A look at the incoming freshman class - The Class of 2010.

2. They have known only two presidents.
27. There has never been a skyhook in the NBA.
72. Richard M. Daley has always been the mayor of Chicago.

And the rockets... red glare! Bunch of bombs in the air!

I'm looking for a way to start a mailbag here. Any thoughts on how to get this off the ground? Would you play along if I did it? Send your emails to and once there are enough, I'll post the responses. Deal? Cool.


Two nights ago, I woke up covered in sweat at 2:30 am, hallucinating that the ceiling was going to collapse on me. And then I moved to the couch. Honestly. I have no idea why this happened. But it got me searching on earthquakes. This picture pretty much sums it up.


Karl Rove isn't the first guy to spin events and make generations of people believe a bunch of nonsensical lies. (And, in case you were interested - and I'm sure you were - if given the chance, I'd rip out his heart and eat him alive. I really would. And I'd polish it off with a tall, cool Budweiser.)

History Books: Hernan Cortes was welcomed by the Aztecs as the second coming of their fair skinned god, Quetzacoatl.

Historical Remains: The Aztecs captured thSpaniardsds, holding them in prisons for up to 6 months, as they were ritually brought to an alter, had their heart ripped out of their chest and were eaten.

"The prisoners were kept in cages for months while Aztec priests from what is now Mexico City selected a few each day at dawn, held them down on a sacrificial slab, cut out their hearts and offered them up to various Aztec gods."

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

8/22/06 Crash

Aaron Rowand is having himself a tough season.


Poker is inspiring new research in Artificial Intelligence. In comparing poker to chess, chess is a game of perfect information. The position of your opponent is known at all times. In poker, however, it is a game of imperfect information where the players guess and infer the holdings of the opponent(s):

"The nice thing about chess as a property of the game is what we call perfect information. You look at the board, you know where all the pieces are, you know whose turn it is - you have complete knowledge of the game," he said.

"But in the real world, knowing everything is just so rare. Everything we do all day long is all about partial information. So poker's much more representative of what the real world's like, and in that sense it becomes a much harder problem."

"The end result is that we're going to learn more in terms of research outcomes from poker than we ever did from chess."


I love arrogant Russians. This dude solved one of the Millennium Problems and decided not to receive his medal. Or his $1,000,000 prize. I got as far as trying to pronounce Poincare Conjecture and that was hard enough by itself.


It goes without saying - But I'm going to say it anyways - Weird Al RULES!

Monday, August 21, 2006

8/21/06 Confession Time

For some reason I think you need to know these things about me. Today's confession will most likely be the oddest one you'll hear in a while. For those of you who know me, my life is somewhat less organized than your average working male living in a metropolitan area. This less-than-organized lifestyle permeates through all aspects of my life, whether it be cleaning my apartment, job security, replacing clothing, you name it. Some call it lazy. I justify it as quelling my greed. Either way - What I want to focus on today is my sock drawer. After doing laundry, I put all of my socks, both black and white, in a drawer, leaving me with an NAACP acceptable mix of footwear. Each and every morning as I'm getting ready for work, I need to find 2 black socks that match. Over the years I've collected an assortment of black socks, which, if I had to guess, amounts to 7 or 8 different varieties. Some are heavy, some are a lighter shade of black, and others have yellow near the toes. Each pair, in my mind, is workplace acceptable. And each and every morning as I'm digging through that drawer looking for a pair for the day, I eventually hear Mikey Walsh's voice in my head. Much like his Goonie adventure, my day begins with the words:

"I think I have a match. I'm sure of it! The lighthouse, the rock, and the restaurant all fit the doubloon."

It happens every day. And much like a crack whore, I can't seem to stop it. Like I said, for some reason, I think you need to know this about me. That, perhaps, knowing what a sad, pathetic loser I am, it will make you feel a little better about yourself.


Some guy feels like he needs to correct everything we've learned in school. On that note, I'm saddened to report that the brown note is still a myth.


My car's for sale in case you know anyone that might be interested.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

8/20/06 The Price is Right

When you used to stay home from school as a kid, what did you watch on TV in the morning? Yeah, me too. We all used to watch The Price is Right. There's no better way to feel smart, even when you're 7 years old, than to watch the contestants. I mean seriously, have you even seen Bob Barker nearly have a heart attack? "The price of the toaster uses 2 of the 3 numbers" (8 3 0). Umm... "38".


I promised that I'd be done ripping Nickelback by Monday. Since it's Sunday, I have one more shot. It looks like I found an opening act for their next concert tour. Or maybe they can invite these kids for the saddest rap battle ever. (Yes, I went YouTube crazy this morning. And neither clip has anything to do with Nickelback). Ok, here's a bonus repeat post - These guys are awesome.


My dad sends a link to the strip poker championships. Do you get the feeling that the photographer tried extra hard to take the picture from an angle that would show all 3 female participants?


I'll admit it. I've watched at least part of every Red Sox / Yankees game this weekend. My rooting interest is that the Red Sox just get swept and end up out of contention for the wild card. Two things from this series:

1) The super slo-mo cam they use on replays is awesome. It's unreal how still the batters are when the swing.

2) 20x20 Alex and I went to lunch on Friday and we were watching the game. I made some comment about Jason Giambi's new 70's porn stache. And 20x20 Alex asked why Giambi's hair is always greasy. Those two observations seem to be related somehow.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

8/19/06 Super Freak

It's not often I give movie reviews. It's probably because I go to the movies once every 3 months. (The only movies I can remember seeing this year in the theater are "Star Wars" and "Munich" - I think there's one or two more, but I seem to be losing an IQ point a day for the last 3 weeks, so there's really no way to tell anymore.) Last night became one of those rare moments where I stepped foot into a cinema. So, here's my recommendation: Go see Little Miss Sunshine. The title sounds gay, but it's not. Well, not completely. On Rotten Tomatoes, it's getting a 93% approval rating (compared to 62% for Snakes on a Plane). (Speaking of, did anybody see the Mother F*#&in snakes on the Mother F*#&in plane? How was it?) Specifically to my cousins - The movie is right up your alley.

Recently people have started asking me, "Hey, why do you hate Nickelback so much?" or "I actually kind of like one of their songs." Or they just start ignoring me to avoid the awkward ensuing Nickelback conversation. (You know, since I'm so feeble minded and I can only talk about one topic per week - By Monday I'll be finished with my Nickelback hating). You really want to know why I hate Nickelback? Really? You do? You really want to go there? Really? You're SURE you want to go there? Why do I hate Nickelback?! FINE! HERE'S WHY!

Friday, August 18, 2006

8/18/06 I Started A Joke

Ok, I get it now. "Snakes on a Plane" is a comedy. Which would make it worth seeing. Right? Or is it really just a horrible looking action movie? Why am I so confused lately?

I have a new found respect for Bill Murray (not that I ever lost respect for him). "I'm basically lazy. I work really hard when I work, but I try to avoid work."

Actual headline - "Man drinks potion for good luck: doesn't get any". My inner voice says, "Man actually reads the story: Doesn't receive refund for minute of life lost."

How do you relieve stress at work? Studies show that you can lower stress by standing up on your desk and screaming.

A great article on Scott Podsednik. Headline - "Podsednik Takes Six for the Team"

I still think the whole airplane terror plot was a hoax. (I know, the few times I actually write something political I get some anonymous flame post from Ohio, so keep 'em coming.) But the whole thing just seems super fishy.

Ok, I have hidden 4 links in this post. See if you can find the common denominator of those links. (They're all safe for work).

Thursday, August 17, 2006

8/17/06 Basketball Player Profile

Cousin Jeff returns from Europe and comes back stronger than ever. He sends a Basketball Player Profile generator. I took it this morning when I first woke up and got Chauncey Billups. I suppose that's since, out of all of the things I suck at, I suck at shooting uncontested free throws the least. (Although, at an overly generous 62%, I'm still 30% behind Chauncey in real life.)

My dad sends updated rules for fantasy football.

A: Here’s a sample of your basic NFL player point values:
For each weapon found in player’s car during arrest (1).
If weapon loaded (3).
If loaded weapon is nuclear (5).

(Thanks to both my dad and cousin Jeff for sending links. Since, we all know that recently my mind has been battered with mortar and pestle and I can't post three consecutive coherent sentences anymore.)

Wednesday, August 16, 2006


Some dude is starting a campaign that is right up my alley. He wants to remove the Caps Lock key from the keyboard. It sort of reminds me of my push to rid the world of pennies. We both believe strongly in our causes, but ultimately, nobody is really going to care.

Someone recently told me that MySpace has more daily traffic than Google. Well, it's not true... but it's getting closer. (I also learned that Yahoo has more traffic than Google).

Just because I like conspiracy stuff (and half believe that the whole Israel vs. Hezbollah thing was orchestrated by the U.S. in order to get into Iran - more on that some other day) ... An Israeli Army Chief sold off his stock portfolio just hours before the alleged kidnapping of the 2 Israeli soldiers (which kicked off this whole war in the first place). (*Correction - it happened just AFTER the kidnappings. Not before. This is why I'm not writing much lately. My mind has become a sieve as of late. I'm convinced that I'd fail the GED exam if I had to take it today. I haven't felt this retarded since (fill in a Family Guy flashback here). Until everything at work calms down, I'll just post the link that you're all sending me over email.)

8/15/06 Just a Little Patience

I ask everyone to bear with me over the next week or two. Work is unbelievably crazy and I've had very little time or inspiration to write.

Actually, I wrote this a long anecdote yesterday about some conversations with my mom regarding the liquids on a plane. And how she asked me not to write my ideas for terrorists on this website because I'd end up in Guantanamo. And blogger lost it all. So I took it as a sign and didn't rewrite any of it.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

8/13/06 Doogie Howser M.D.

I got a surprise call from Cousin Kevin yesterday. We started talking about Doogie Howser, M.D. Cousin Kevin said that recently he was looking for a website with all of Doogie's show ending journal entries. He couldn't find any. Neither can I. The best I came up with is a list of all the episodes. Any help?

This is probably the coolest thing I've seen all weekend. The website for "Snakes on a Plane" has something where you can get a phone call from Samuel L. Jackson. Ok, obviously I didn't experience anything cool this weekend.

Speaking of not doing anything cool, I picked up the local (I don't have the faintest clue what adjective to use here) weekly newspaper, looking for something to do yesterday. One of the bands playing soon is called Radiodread. It's a reggae band doing covers of Radiohead's "OK Computer". I've never been a reggae fan, but it's new and different. They have 4 songs on the site (although the first one sounds like it's sung by Weird Al - I'd suggest moving on to the other ones). Wait, the 2nd song sounds like they're trying out to be the theme song for Twelve Monkeys II. And the 3rd song sounds like a bad 8-bit video game. Geez.... Ok, I take it back. I'm not a huge fan of these guys.

And finally... A GAME! Play Super Mario Bros. from the viewpoint of Bullet Bill.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

8/12/06 Google Mars

Old and busted - Google Earth. New Hotness - Google Mars.


My neighbor had a little grill out type party last night in honor of our softball team's season end. (It was just an excuse to hang out on a Friday since, except for the fact that the season is over, there's really not a whole lot to celebrate). My neighbor is a good host and always has music playing at his parties. Anyways, instead of playing CDs, my neighbor sometimes puts on DVDs of concerts and music videos. The DVD started and I expected it to be the same one I had seen before of Bush. The DVD started by zooming out. First I saw a very large "LB". It continued to zoom out. "ELBA". This isn't Bush. "KELBAC". Oh, dear lord. He really has a full length concert DVD of Nickelback. Not only that, but he decided to play it. So, basically, after laughing, I had to leave. I like parties and social events. But Nickelback? Now that's just something I can't tolerate. Somebody, please, please, PLEASE explain Nickelback's following for me.


Some replay of Kobayashi and the brat eating contest was on today. The funniest part of the entire event was some commentary about Sonya Thomas, who is the female version of Kobayahsi and tends to give him a run for his money. She took 5th place and wasn't anywhere near the lead. The commentator randomly compared her to Chuck Knoblauch, saying that she had some mental barrier preventing her from performing better. (Trust me, it was way funnier on TV). The last thing I have to say is that I'm on the Joey Chestnut bandwagon. I can't wait for him to dethrone Kobayashi.

Some cool artwork.

Friday, August 11, 2006

8/11/06 Fifty-Nine Months Later

First off, The Nacho Expert asked me to put a link to his new blog of random stuff.

Secondly, the ass chewing at work continues. I hope that pretty soon they just chew deep enough and bite into a juicy hemorrhoid. (Can you tell that I'm pissed and grumpy? Yeah. It's gonna be like this for a couple more weeks. You might want to keep your distance from me until Labor Day or so. And no, I don't have hemorrhoids. But given my stress level I might find out what they feel like pretty soon. I need either a nice, stiff drink or a hug. Or both.)

I hear that they're not letting liquids (or gels) onto planes today. So, if air travel doesn't dehydrate you enough already... sorry... no water bottles.

Left handers make significantly more money. I know some lefties that might find that encouraging.

Speaking of southpaws, I am going to go on record and make a sports prediction. Mark Buehrle will come out of his HUGE slump and finish the season strong with an ERA under 3.50 from here on out, leading the White Sox into the playoffs. I'm even going to go as far to say that he'll have one amazing 1-hit, complete game deals. I will also pose a real difficult question - Is Joe Crede better than Robin Ventura in his prime?

The owners of the Cubs are dicks. "Proving that there's as much justice in the justice system as jazz in Utah, an appeals court ruled recently that the Chicago Cubs' ticket-scalping scheme did not violate state anti-scalping laws, despite clearly violating the state's anti-trust law."

I'm a sucker for ancient mystery kind of TV programs and books. Like those "How were the pyramids built?" kind of stories. I know, they're mostly just crap. But, like I said, I'm a sucker. So, I ended up getting stuck on this page of ancient mysteries yesterday. It has everything from Atlantis to the Nazca Lines to Noah's Ark to a bunch of stuff I never heard of until yesterday.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

8/10/06 Double Dose

Alright, since I didn't post anything yesterday, I'm offering a double dose today...

There's a guy who started work in the officer here a month or so ago. He hasn't really talked much. All I know is that he's originally for Yugoslavia, he fought in their military and he LOVES poker. Not like I'm into poker. This guy is CRAZY nuts about poker. The only time I got him talking was about his high stakes, no limit poker games in Vegas. In the last couple of days, the people who sit in my area started to ask, "Where is that dude?" I thought - good point. Where is he? He's been gone for a week and a half now. Turns out, his roommate called the office here yesterday asking the same question. Now everyone is beginning to speculate as to his whereabouts. The popular theory has to do with some shady, Teddy KGB-like, poker mishap. But it also got me to thinking... How long would it take for you to go missing before anyone would notice? Think about that for a minute. A day? Half a day? This guy has been missing for 10 days and FINALLY someone started asking questions. You've got to wonder if anyone has filed a missing persons report on Mr. Milosevich (yes, that is his name). Sadly, for me... I've decided it would take at least 3 days before anyone got concerned.


When we lived together, my former roommate, Mike, and I had some sort of sick obsession with "dew point". We were convinced that the real indication of the heat index was best represented by the dew point. Sadly, the dew point is going the way of the Beta Max. (Superior in quality, but appreciated by few).

While I'm talking about Mike - He and I both got ourselves ordained as ministers through the Universal Life Church in Modesto, CA back in 1995. Which gives us the ability to conduct weddings, funerals and exorcisms. Among other tremendous attributes of the church, you can now go online and absolve yourself of all of your sins in the click of a button. Mike also informed me that the church is now a monastery, making us monks. Sweet. While you're at it - Go ahead... Get yourself ordained.


Bills Gates is spending $500 million to fight viruses. I could take a cheap shot at Microsoft here, but it's very admirable.


Nice move NASA... Help fuel the fire for the conspiracy theorists and the moon landing hoax.


Ok, you know I don't like talking celebrity stuff. And I definitely wouldn't talk Suri Cruise... UNLESS... they mentioned her, the Rubik's Cube AND nachos in the same breath.

"IÂ’m sure Suri is different. Maybe a tiny sun emanates light from inside her head, filling all who see her with a sense of joy, the ability to solve any Rubik's Cube within thirty seconds, and an overwhelming craving for tasty, delicious nachos."


And who says drunk Germans are all bad?

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

8/9/06 Ass Chewing

Sorry guys. I've got nothing for today. I got a serious ass chewing at work, so I was busy all day. More tomorrow....

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

8/8/06 Famous Birthdays

I was actually doing one of those lame-o MySpace bulletins where you answer questions about yourself. And one of the questions was about someone you share a birthday with. And the only thing I remember is from some page-a-day sports calendar from when I was a little kid that had Maurice Cheeks sharing a birthday with me. So I decided to look up some other ones. I came across Famous Birthdays. My birthday kind of blows. But my brother has some pretty cool celebs on his birthday.

My dad sends a 42 string guitar.

Monday, August 07, 2006

8/7/06 Merchandise

About once a year I remember that actually has merchandise. For 2006, today was that day. Last time I checked (probably last summer), only one order came from someone I didn't know. The rest was family. I reluctantly checked to see if anyone bought anything since last year. Turns out, they did. About a dozen items. Including 2 pair of the thongs (in 2 separate orders to 2 separate, but nonetheless lucky, ladies). I'm speechless. That's just awesome.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

8/6/06 Lettuce and Pain

My uncle says that, out of all vegetables, lettuce feels the most pain. Well, my mom sends an article - Lettuce is fighting back.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

8/5/06 Dear Aunt

My dad sends voice recognition gone wrong.

Pro Player Pete busted out of the WSOP main event tonight. He placed #286 out of more than 8700 entrants. Pretty impressive showing.

Friday, August 04, 2006

8/4/06 Work Friendly

On Wednesday I saved a site called For offices like mine that block quite a few websites, it downloads the text of the website and makes it look like a Word document. Well, I tried it again today and the site is blocked. Ugh.


There's a market in the complex where I live. I tend to grab some fruit (and coffee) there in the morning for breakfast. This morning, right behind me in line, was a young mother with her 2 kids. The girl must have been about 9 and the boy about 7. The guy working behind the counter asked if they wanted their food to eat outside or if they wanted to bring it home. Almost simultaneously, the girl said "outside" and the boy said "home". In stride, without hesitation, the mom calmly says, "Alright. Roshambo." The kids (as if this was a daily routine) turn away from each other a few feet apart, back to back, as if they were about to duel. The mom says, "Ready. Go." The boy turns around with scissors and the girl has paper. It was decided. They were going to eat at home. The girl was pretty upset. Upset in the way you get upset after throwing the game winning, walkoff homerun to Big Papi. But she didn't complain. Roshambo resolves all. When I have kids, we're resolving all fights with Roshambo. And if that doesn't work, we're using Eric Cartman's rules.


Every Friday I get to work and get all excited to read The Sports Guy's mailbag. Then it usually doesn't get posted until 11:00. For readers on the east coast, that's 2:00 pm. The anticipation is brutal. Plus, by 11:00, my morning poop is over and done with. I might have to get Bill on the horn and get him to submit the mailbag the night before.


Whoa. Weird Al is the new Prime Minister of Ukraine!

Actual Headline - Seven Indonesians Do Not Have Bird Flu. Sucks for the rest of them.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

8/3/06 Hurricane Season

My dad sends a hurricane simulation. After watching this, I think most people would opt to leave their homes.

I hear from Cousin Lisa maybe once every couple of months. Which is cute, since she's the only person to ask permission to get a link on the website here. She sends a story of a stolen driver's license.

I went a little YouTube crazy today. I found 2 videos that I really liked.

1) The Ding Ding Dong song. (It's sort of not safe for work. I'd opt to open it at home if I were you).

2) The Daily Show's take on Mel Gibson's DUI and the media coverage.


For those interested in the WSOP, Pro Player Pete remains alive in the World Series of Poker main event. I posted earlier that he survived day one and built his stack from 10,000 to 32,500. Since then, I received emails from poker Jason during day 2. The first email said that Pete was down to 14,000. I got a call around 10:45 last night saying that Pete was back up to about 80,000 chips. He survived day 2 with somewhere around 86,000 chips (I forget the exact amount). And there are less than 1200 players remaining. They start getting paid at place 873. Payouts start at over $14,000, with the winner taking home $12 million. So he's doing well and has a healthy chip stack. Also, if you're into reading poker blogs and getting into the minds of the players, here's one for ya. (Articles written by PR are Pro Player Pete's).


Finally (and mercifully), our softball season came to an end. We won 2 games all season, both by forfeit. And this last game was our best, since we didn't get slaughtered. I pitched for the first time in more than a month, since our other pitcher was gone. Much to my surprise, I did well, not walking anyone. We had a 1-2-3 first inning. In fact, we had another 1-2-3 inning in the fifth (we should have had another if it wasn't for an error). It's not like me to brag much, but I made a couple of spectacular defensive plays, including catching one of those comebackers that you can hear cutting through the air. At the plate, I walked, which may have been the first walk our team had all season. We only lost 15-6, which, for us, was a huge moral victory. We'll be back in the fall. And they promised to put us in the lowest league, so hopefully we'll remain competitive and maybe win a game or two.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

8/2/06 Territorial Evolution

Here's another great picture for a "Post Your Own Caption". Here, I'll start - "White Sox 2nd baseman Tadahito Iguchi bridges the language barrier and helps define the word 'fag' for manager Ozzie Guillen."

Did you ever wonder how the current 50 U.S. States formed their borders? Yeah, neither did I. Until today.

I'm not making light of the situation. But CNN had a link labeled "Hezbollah fires 190 missiles into Israel. Biker killed; others injured." Now, you can't be real confident with your war "progress" if your 190 missiles only hit 1 biker. You think that's bad? They also hit a Palestinian village in Jenin.

Apparently, I'm meeting the wrong women.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

8/1/06 Titillating Poker

What's the only thing better than boobies? Playing poker with boobies. Playboy is starting its own online poker site. And speaking of boobs, I'd consider playing on their site, under the assumption that the other people playing are a bunch of yutzes.

Speaking of poker - Remember Pro Player Pete from the WSOP? Last I heard, he made it through day 1 of the main event and has somewhere around 32,500 in chips (started at 10,000). His buddy, Kelly, is also doing well with 34,000 in chips after day 1. Kelly was the "Degree All In Moment" against Brad Kondracki on the main event broadcast from 2005 on ESPN. It's bad enough busting out of the main event. It must be a million times worse having that moment broadcast and repeated on ESPN for the past 12 months. He's back with avengence.


From the "It sucks getting old" department: Instead of using Facebook or MySpace, baby boomers are logging into They offer free alerts when any of your friends die. How's that for exciting?


I hadn't read or thought about this in a long time. But I read T.S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men" today.


I actually started reading my own blog a little today. It occurred to me that I've been writing a lot lately. So I did a word count of the last month - it comes out to about 450 words a day. Perhaps I'll do us all a favor and try to be less verbose, if possible.

In somewhat related news, I'm getting the feeling that my days at work are numbered. (I'm getting pretty good at spotting the tell tale signs of the "thanks for your time and effort" speech - Sign #1 is when your direct report who has to break the news to you will no longer make eye contact with you). Which may mean that I'll have LOTS more time to be spending online, doing nothing in particular, as I look for another job. I'll let you know when I find out more.