9/27/07 Don't Tase Me, Bro

Ok, I know.... The whole "Don't Tase Me, Bro" thing is old news. But I need to bring this week together full circle. So this will be the last of it. I promise. Don't Tase Me, Bro remix put to the backdrop of Mike Tyson's Punchout.

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I have to be up and out in a few hours, so this'll be it for a couple of days. Most of you won't miss me, since we'll all be together. As for the rest of you.... be sure to hold down the fort for me. I'll be back before you miss me. I'll leave you with this though - my softball team has already exceeded last season's win total after only 3 games. I also had a single, double and triple in my first 3 at-bats and failed to hit for the cycle in 2 more tries. But, by far my most proud and impressive feat of the night was this - I scored from first on a single (no errors).

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How can you not be psyched for the newest installment of Guitar Hero????

9/26/07 The Tits Group

So, uh, you know how sometimes you, uh, just stumble across certain types of websites... and, uh, they're not quite what you expect? Well, yeah.... I "stumbled" across The Tits Group. What did I find? Not tits, that's for sure.

The Tits group can be defined in terms of generators and relations by:

$a^2\; =\; b^3\; =\; (ab)^\{13\}\; =\; [a,\; b]^5\; =\; [a,$bab]^4 = (ababababab^{-1})^6 = 1

You know, women and their tits can many times be confusing. I think there may be some sort of correlation here. Maybe they should add a tits related conjecture to the Millennium Problem Prize list. Since that cooped up Russian guy solved the Poincare Conjecture last year they could easily add one more. Like some sort of formula to give us all a clear understanding when it's ok to 1) talk about 2) look at 3) touch... and on and on. It's all very, very confusing. In comparison, the Riemann Hypothesis appears to be a piece of cake.

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Old Nintendo stuff isn't going away anytime soon. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Retro trends tend to come around 21-24 years after the original. Which leaves us (boop boop beep beep) only 7 or so more years before Pearl Jam and flannels are back in style.




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The Boycott of L.L. Bean:


African-American Boycott of L.L. Bean Enters 80th Year

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Immigration: The Human Cost

9/25/07 White Whine

Are you white? Are you wondering where you can vent your problems? Well wonder no more. And send your complaint into White Whine.

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Ferris Bueller's Day Off was released in 1986. In 1986, Matthew Broderick was 24. Alan Ruck (Cameron) was 30. Only Mia Sara (Sloane) who was playing a junior in high school was the only one who was even close at 19 years old. I think teen movies give kids the idea that high school students are way older than they actually are.

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Here's a headline I like: The Four Day Work Week: Sixteen Reasons Why This Might Be an Idea Whose Time Has Come.

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I saw a license plate that read "PNY H8R". And my first reaction was, "Pony Hater"? That's pretty mean. And my second reaction was, "Penny Hater"? Now that's someone I can get behind. The missing vowel had me torn between complete agreement and absolute disgust. The worst part? I don't think I'll ever know the truth. And the truth is probably something completely different.

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Google search of the day: "you bet your balls it's neil diamond".

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In case you missed the Family Guy Star Wars episode:



(The rest of it is on YouTube. I won't put them all here.)

Yoga

Here's a little bonus post for no reason other than the "usual" reason people have blogs... To talk about themselves and their boring daily activities. Here goes.

On Monday evening, I tried a yoga class. In part because I woke up on Monday in some sort of personal freak out mode and needed to do something "relaxing". In part because my back is hurting. In part because it's free. And in part because I'm an idiot.

There were maybe 10 people in the class. There were only two other guys - One that I've known for 2.5 years, we only talk about Chicago sports and I still don't know his name. And another guy who was about 60. Then 7 or 8 flexible girls who obviously do this all the time. I knew virtually nothing about yoga except that there were mats and awkward stretching. So I followed suit and grabbed a mat, angled it the same way as every else and took off my shoes. The instructor came in, turned out the lights and put on one of those hypnotic, relaxing kind of CDs. Except that I distinctly remember some soothing version of Filter's "Take A Picture" in there somewhere.

For the first 5 minutes, I'm all about these warmup stretches. Then we start moving into poses I'm unfamiliar with, but I'm still with the program. The entire time my head is up watching the instructor figuring out what in the hell to do next. Probably 25 minutes in, I'm struggling. I can hear the sweat beads falling onto the mat in front of me in some sort of random, geiger counter pace. (Note: This wasn't the hot box, sauna-like yoga. This was just a normal room.) I figure the class is probably 30-45 minutes, so I continue to suck it up. I make it to the 30 minute mark. Then to the 45 minute mark. I start taking some more frequent breaks. Then just before the hour, I just quit. My hands were sliding in my pools of sweat. So I mop everything up, quietly put the mat back, put on my shoes and sit there to watch the rest. I sat there mostly because I wanted to know how far I had made it. About a half hour later, they were still at it. At which point I almost felt like a perv just sitting there watching people stretch. Then I left.

This brings me to my current dilemma. Do I go back? I've decided to make a pros and cons list of the experience. Here goes:

Pros:

• It's supposed to be good for strength and flexibility


• Good looking, flexible girls will be there

Cons:

• I was sweating like R. Kelly at the Kids Choice Awards


• There are slow breathing patterns involved. When you're dying like I was, there's no way not to breath more often.


• I was the only one who couldn't finish. Even gramps made it through the entire thing.
• The pools of sweat made the mat slippery, making any and all movements even harder
• Since I couldn't hold most poses properly, my hands and feet would make noises as they slid across the mat
• The entire experience led to a blog entry
• And finally, probably the most important con, virtually nullifying half of the "pro" list - the good looking flexible chicks aren't impressed with a sweaty, sliding, can't hold a pose nor finish a yoga class dude

All in all, the cons heavily outweigh the pros. And still, I'm going to go back and do it again. Just wait - I'm going to be awesome.

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9/24/07 "The hardest work in the world is being out of work." ~Whitney Young, Jr.

As many of you know, I'm applying for jobs at some sort of break-neck rate these days. Last Friday I made some phone calls to recruiters I have worked with in the past. (As usual, I'll protect people and companies, making everything seem a little generic). I talked to one recruiter... Let's just say her name is Sandra. I met Sandra once in person. She seemed impressed enough with me. She's also been very courteous and friendly whenever we've talked. But this time around over the phone, she passed me along to one of her coworkers who was working with a client that may be up my alley.

Her coworker "Tanya" said she'd send me an email asking for my current resume. I told her that I could respond on Monday and that we'd talk then. It's important to note that this conversation wasn't Friday morning. This was late Friday afternoon, pushing 5:00 pm. Fast forward to today (Monday). I send out my email with the resume attached. I got the following (it's heavily edited for the protection reasons we talked about already)....

"Tanya Smith is no longer with CompanyABC. If you are a candidate, please contact Hillary Dawkins at HillaryDawkins@CompanyABC.xyz and she will ensure you get some some assistance with your job search."

There's NO way she didn't know she wouldn't be working there on Monday. I can't imagine she got laid off between our conversation on Friday 5:00pm and the time she left for the weekend. And somehow managed to set her "out of office" reply. She knew. Oh yes. She knew.

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A few months ago, I added BlogCounter to this site. Don't worry - you're not getting tracked or anything. It just gives information on the number of hits on each page. (If you're really curious, go to the bottom of this page. The total counter is there.) My favorite part is finding out which search phrases lead people to NachosRule.blogspot.com. Because it's never what I expect. Actually, I never expected that anyone but the 15 regular readers ever came here. I had no idea I could become the "authority" on anything. The most popular searches that lead people here?

• Brett Favre Wrangler Commercial


• Dunning-Kruger Effect


• 5 hat problem


• Ben Jabituya (although I think my prominence in Google searches for this one has fallen off the map recently).

And finally, my favorite search item from today is...

"That's no way for a man to die...A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go." Check for yourself.

If you find this half as fun as I do, I'll be sure to have some sort of "Search Phrase of the Week" section or something.

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Sorry about the quality, but this is the only copy I could find of that Brett Favre Wrangler commercial. (The one I made fun of a month ago.) And for those of you who are looking for the song, it's called "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman Turner Overdrive.

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Feeling down today? Here's a compliment for you.

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If you start typing in "Rex Grossman" into the Google toolbar search, the most common results, in order are:

• Rex Grossman
• Rex Grossman stats
• Rex Grossman sucks
• Rex Grossman's wife
• Rex Grossman jewish

There's nothing like Google searches to give you an idea of what the general public is thinking.

9/23/07 The Seven Year Itch

I've heard the phrase over and over throughout my life. I just never thought about what it meant. (Same goes for "Afternoon Delight". At this point I'm beginning to think that I'm just completely oblivious to most common words and phrases. Every time I find these things out, it's like I'm being blindsided by a car full of obvious.) So, one Bavarian politician has an idea to cure "The Seven Year Itch". Gabriele "Exclusion Free" Pauli suggests that marriages should expire after 7 years. At which point, there's a mutual option to renew. So, there you have it... The Seven Year Itch doesn't require medicated cream after all.

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If that isn't enough reason to support women's ideas in politics, maybe this one will sway you even more.... "Women fight for right to bare breasts". Now that's a movement I think we can all get behind.

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Google Nicki sends an interactive page called Line Rider. You draw some lines and a guy sleds down them.



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9/20/07 Lebowski Fest

Lebowski Fest, LA is October 12 and 13.

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Interviewer: Tell me about fatherhood.
Eddie Vedder: It fueled my anger.

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From Cousin Dave:



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9/19/07 Avast, Me Hearties!

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day.

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A mentos commercial, Memento style: Aptly named, "Mementos":

9/18/07 Ride the SLUT

My dad is encouraging everybody to Ride the SLUT. Okay - Before you go ahead and click the safe for work link... Here's a little psychological test for yourself. Who or what are you thinking about right now? Test over. Don't worry. You don't have to tell anyone where your mind went.

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Cousin Dave makes very few contributions. But when he does, he surely makes them count. He sends The Irate Gamer. If I had to explain it in one sentence, I'd say that he's like Lewis Black reviewing Original Nintendo games.

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Just a quick reminder that I try and post every year - Tomorrow is Talk Like a Pirate Day.

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There's no good transition here. But it's all over the news. John Kerry was speaking at the University of Florida and a student asked a long winded question. Just watch what ensues.



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The Irate Gamer reviews The Goonies II.



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And Super Mario Bros. 2

9/17/07

9/16/07 The Human Rain Delay

Question: Who was known as baseball's human rain delay?

Answer: Mike Hargrove.

Yes, the same Mike Hargrove that managed the Indians, Orioles and Mariners over the past couple of decades. What is Mike Hargrove doing now? He's managing a new team. What team you might ask? It's too funny to answer. So you'll have to read their name for yourself.

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In about a month you'll start hearing about holiday shopping already. I want to beat the trend this year and be the first to talk about Christmas. Therefore I present the 12 days of Christmas told by Bob and Doug Mackenzie.



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Remember the kid recently playing Stairway? And that was ok because he's just a kid? Well, on the opposite end of the spectrum, here's an example of when it's NOT ok to play Stairway.

9/13/07 String Theory and Inflation

Question: Can string theory accommodate inflation? Answer: Uhhh.... What?

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What's John Madden drawing here?



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9/12/07 Life's Great Mysteries

In today's world, information is readily available to us. I remember (not so many years ago) listening to a song and wondering about the lyrics. Or seeing a movie and saying, "Hey, what else was that guy in?". (Answer for my mom: Old School). Or I would make friendly wagers on Jeopardy type trivia and sometimes go months without figuring out the answer. (I think Road Trip Joe still owes me a beer for our Sputnik wager from 9 years ago).



Yet, even with the seemingly limitless amount of information available to us, there are still some questions that linger around in my noggin. Questions that just don't quite make sense. It's almost as if I can't connect the dots in any sort of common sense manner.



Last night I began thinking about wisdom teeth. Just about everybody I know has had them surgically removed. I had mine out around the age of 16 or 17. Three of them were impacted behind the jaw bone, causing me all sorts of pain. What I can't figure out is... What did people do a hundred or more years ago? Along the same lines, what do people do about their wisdom teeth today in 3rd world countries? As I posed this question last night, I got a few answers that didn't quite seem to satisfy me. (Not that my approval has any merit. But, you know... I'm still ill-at-ease about this). The answers ranged from "They used rocks to remove them" to "We've evolved since then". The first answer is gross and the more I think about the actual procedure, the more I think that using rocks to cut through your jaw bone wouldn't quite work. And honestly, I don't think that human skulls have shrunk or "evolved" that much in 4 or 5 generations. Which leads me to believe that people just let the wisdom teeth come in. That eventually they'd stop trying to push through the jaw bone. Or they'd eventually start coming in sideways, messing up the rest of your teeth. All in all, I bet it was a painful life. But I wonder why we don't hear more about it in writing or song or plays or history. If you're in dentistry, perhaps you could help chime in here. The one thing I did learn about all of this... When I'm asked this November 22nd what I'm thankful for, I now have an answer - "Wisdom teeth extraction".





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One other mystery I can't figure out is Neil Peart's drumming.



There is no F$&kin' drummer better than Neil Peart!

9/11/07 Marry Our Daughter

Marry our daughter. The website.

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This is for everyone who has or is a retired dad - Study: Retired Dads Busier Than Ever.

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9/10/07 The Byzantine Empire

This past Saturday was a real big day. My parents had a giant party at their place for the Republic of Macedonia's independence day. (From this point forward, all names will be kept confidential to protect the innocent). At this party, my 15 year old female cousin was discussing her Saturday night plans. Those of us who were much, much older were, how shall we say, impressed with her social life. Her father asked her "Hypothetically, how much would it take, in today's dollars, for you to cancel your plans for the evening and spend it with us?" She replied, "I wouldn't cancel my plans for anything." To which he said, "Everyone has a price. What's your price?" She thought for a minute and finally said, "$100,000". So there you have it. My cousins and I are so much fun that we'd have to pay $100,000 for our younger, more hip cousin to spend an evening with us.

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On that note, apparently someone wrote an article about one of us. Loser Friend Sort Of Doing Better.

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Do you need reasons to participate in this year's Rock Paper Scissors World Championships in Toronto? Here are 13 of them.

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When is it ok to play Stairway? When you're a little kid.



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9/7/07 Breaking News

Breaking News: "Men want hot women, study confirms". Thanks, CNN.


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And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

9/6/07 We All Love Pudding

You know how older songs had to cover up any sexual words with subtle innuendo? I can't think of a whole lot of examples right now. But songs like "Good Golly Miss Molly" seem to be all about banging Molly. If you can help with a few better examples, I'd appreciate it.

Well, I'm going to blow the lid off of a song you all know. Since I'm convinced that it's all about a bunch of dudes looking for, uh, you know what. The song is "We Wish You a Merry Christmas". If you look at the lyrics, other than continually wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, what else do they say? Two things: "Bring us some figgy pudding". And "We won't go until we get some." While I'm sure that "Figgy pudding" is good, there's no way it's THAT good. Ever since I sang that song as a kid, I always kind of assumed that "figgy pudding" we some part of the female anatomy. And, well, "We won't go until we get some" is just plain obvious. Oh, and next time you hear that song being caroled around town? You're welcome.

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How's your fantasy football team? Did you follow this advice?



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We're going to play "Name That Tune". I bet you can't name that tune within 2.5 minutes:



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Turn around, Bright Eyes. Part II:



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9/4/07 Phun With Physics

This is going to be completely about physics, the reasons I think physics is amazing and the why I'll probably become a physics teacher eventually.

Ok, class. Let's begin. Question number 1A: Why does the prospect of Faster-than-light speeds potentially yield time travel implications? Question 1B: On an awesome-o-meter, how awesome would that be and why?

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Question number 2: How do sound waves make salt do this? If you owned a restaurant, how could you utilize this to enhance the ambiance?




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Question number 3: Why has my cable and internet been out all day?
Fast forward about 4 communication free hours....
Answer: Rolling blackouts.

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Question number 4: Is an electron a particle or a wave? How about Uranium-238?



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Question number 5: What is quantum entanglement? Can you entangle a cherry stem with your tongue?



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Question number 6: Why is looking at fire so much fun? What's a Ruben's Tube?



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Question number 7: Was Jesus really a virgin?

9/3/07 The World Without Us

My dad sends an interesting thought experiment called The World Without Us. It's an interactive page showing what would happen if humans suddenly went extinct.

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There's a big honeycomb looking hexagon on the north pole of Saturn. Four earths could fit inside of it. I think giant bees live on Saturn.



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If humans went extinct, I would think that the world would be overtaken by Monchichis.



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Speaking of survival of the fittest and extinction...

The question is: What orbits around the earth?

A) The moon
B) The sun
C) Mars
D) Venus

9/2/07 Memory Lane

My 4th Biggest Fan (I have no idea who you are, but you're awesome) left a comment and asked that I limit the number of posts on the main page here since it's crashing his/her browser. It seems to be a good idea, given the amount of videos and other garbage I've added lately. So we're going to give it a try for now. You can still access older content off to the right. In fact, I have a little secret... Not only can you read "Something I learned today" back to September 2004, but you can also get the rest of 2004, 2003 and 2002 in the old school format.



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I don't get to say this too often - But I was awoken by an earthquake today. To my visitors from out of town - You just missed it.

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A few of you sent cool links over the last few days. So, we're going to stay with those for now....

The Nacho Expert sends The Goonies Map. (I can't tell if it's an A sharp or a B flat).

Someone I went to college with (who can remain nameless if he so chooses) sends a story about hot nerdy chicks.

Cousin Jeff sends something right up my alley... Two songs that sound exactly alike. Tommy Tutone and the new Springsteen song.

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No Longer Neighbor Natalie sends Will Ferrell on Sports Center:



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Hey! What's going on?

Will Ferrell - Harry Caray Weekend Update

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