11/29/07 IT'S OFFICIAL!

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11/28/07 Bill Swerski

Who would win in a personality matchup between the 2007 New England Patriots and the 1985 Chicago Bears? There seems to be no contest here. The answer is most definitively - Da Bears.

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Physics Partner Jeremy wins the contest. He found "Most of All You" on YouTube. You'll have to wait for the credits for the full song. But it's Major League, so it's worth watching the whole thing. My favorite part about the end of Major League is the same guy running out of the stands (at 2:17 and again at 2:40).

11/27/07 Nachos Rule

How was your Thanksgiving? Busy? You ate a lot? Yeah, I figured so much. In honor of the eating holidays, my dad sends the 20 worst foods in America. Coming in at number three as "Worst Nachos" are:

On the Border Stacked Border Nachos
2,740 calories
166 g fat
191 g carbs
5,280 mg sodium

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This is also late and also from my dad... But if you're bored while spending time with the family, here are 5 games to play. I think my dad sent it because my brother brought Guitar Hero over this weekend and separated the "adults" from the "kids"*.

(* "kids" means under 40 in my family).

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I have a friendly competition. I'm looking for the song "Most of All You" by Bill Medley. If you find it, you get to ask why I'm looking for it. Ready? Go.

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Eric Cartman introduces the University of Colorado football team...

11/21/07 Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. I've tried in the past doing one of those, "What are you thankful for?" posts and it didn't quite work. Plus, a few months ago, I already spilled the beans as to what I'm thankful for... Wisdom tooth extraction and modern dentistry. If I had to pick one modern technological marvel that has made my life far less painful and far more enjoyable, that would be it.

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While I'm thankful for quite a few things, let's see if I can make this post fit the theme. And we're off...

I'm thankful that 8 foot bugs no longer exist like they did 390 million years ago.

I'm thankful that Facebook is dropping the word "is" from their status. The entire site makes a whole lot more sense now.

I'm thankful that somebody (my mom?) sent me a link to Let's Say Thanks. By filling out one of their postcards online, you can have your card sent overseas to a U.S. soldier.

I'm thankful that this photo made it to CollegeHumor.com.

I'm thankful that Cousins Andy and Meg have started their own blog - LoudFuture.com. (Great name, BTW).

I'm thankful that you're actually reading this. And that, after all of these years, many of you continue to come here and enjoy.

I'm thankful that I grew up in a 16-bit world. (If you did too, the video's worth the wait).

And, most of all, I'm thankful that Frank TV is finally on the air, so that they'll stop the advertising madness.




Happy Thanksgiving. If you're home, be thankful you're not traveling. If you're traveling, be thankful you don't have to cook.

11/19/07 Wall Drug

If you've ever had the pleasure of driving on I-90 through South Dakota, you're probably familiar with Wall Drug. It goes without saying that there's not a whole lot going on in South Dakota. But, the one thing you will notice every 2.3 miles or so is another billboard for Wall Drug. In fact, the billboards stretch for 500 miles, starting in Minnesota. (No joke. Check the link.) After 7 hours of billboard bombardment, you pretty much HAVE to stop there. How can you not? It's just human curiosity. And what's there? I wish I could re-enact the hours of anticipation Road Trip Joe and I had, only to realize that it's a tourist trap of a crap hole strip mall. I think they had 5 cent coffee. That almost made the trip worth it.

You may be surprised at where this is going. Those Wall Drug billboards are now synonymous (in my mind) with the ads for "Frank TV" on TBS. They've been running those ads for months now... During every commercial break of every baseball playoff game... I must have seen 750 ads since September. And now, much like Wall Drug, I refuse to not watch it. I have to know if it's any good. I'm sure it'll rank right up there with "The Big Bang Theory" (Which was on rerun tonight after only about 6 episodes... That can't be good news for them).

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Here's something I learned that I'm ashamed I didn't know from 1st grade history... Tobacco is native to the Americas and wasn't introduced to Europe, Africa or Asia until Christopher Columbus brought some over. I feel like that's something I should've known. Also in my research I found that, among the uses for tobacco throughout history was a hallucinogenic enema used by the Peruvian Aguaruna aboriginals.

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The new math books in the state of Texas are full of errors. 109,263 to be exact.

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Remember the game "Guess Who?"



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11/18/07 Sports in SoCal

Watching football in Southern California is a unique experience. It's the only place where you can go to a sports bar and find fans for just about every game being played. During today's games, there was a suggestion to make the "house game" the Bears vs. Seahawks. By "house game", they will put the audio to that game and make sure that they utilize their HD feed for that game. You'd think the vote would come down to San Diego or one of the old LA teams (Rams or Raiders). But no. It was the Chicago Bears or the Washington Redskins.

One table of mostly females in the corner was making the most noise during the afternoon. Their TV was positioned in such a way that I couldn't see what they were watching. Every time they got really excited, I'd look at the TVs and try to figure out which game was worth screaming over. After an hour or so, I couldn't figure it out. I finally noticed one of their shirts. It was number 48. It was a white T-shirt with mostly blue writing. Maybe a little gold too. Still, nothing made sense. Eventually, I took a closer look at the shirt. Johnson #48. Again, nothing's ringing a bell. I understood the Santana Moss jersey. Even the Alex Smith one made sense. But Johnson #48? Then I noticed one TV in the corner as they began screaming again. Some orange car was "injured" and pulling off the NASCAR track. So I watched for another minute. And that was it - They were cheering on Jimmie Johnson and his number 48 car.

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You've been waiting your whole life for this moment. Now you can have your very own ECooter.

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If you're suffering from GAD, I can certainly offer a number of holistic approaches. Don't be afraid to ask. I'm here for you.

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Charge your iPod with Gatorade and an onion.

11/15/07 Imaginary Girlfriend

I think I finally found the website for me - The Imaginary Girlfriend.

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Yeah, uh, I'd like the new Camry fully loaded. Yeah, the spoiler's fantastic. And, uh, could we, uh, remove the license plate frame from your dealership? Great. Thanks.

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As you probably know, my favorite part about the end of the year is the end of the year countdowns and lists. This year we're gonna start early with The Twenty (Intentionally) Funniest Web Videos of 2007.

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I somehow got sidetracked with the band "Air" today. So I'm passing along that sidetrackedness to you.









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And finally - Cowbell Hero



And finally, finally.... In case you're wondering about the Guitar Hero progress, I eventually passed "One" and that Slayer song. Then...

****SPOILER ALERT*****

They make you beat the Devil in a Guitar Off. I can't beat the devil. It's even more ridiculously hard than the regular hard songs.

11/14/07 Peak Oil

Last night I watched "Mega Disasters" on The History Channel. From other previews, the show seemed overly dramatic and doom-and-gloomy. That's not really my style. But last night's episode was on a topic of interest to me. It was about "Peak Oil" and the ramifications once we hit the point where global oil supply can't keep up with demand. Right on cue, the program moved onto famine, disease and anarchy as the result of Peak Oil. While I imagine severe recession and an increase in crime aren't out of the question, this show definitely jumps to the worst of all scenarios.

I've mentioned him before, but it bears repeating... Eight years ago, Professor Ruzic warned our Introductory Nuclear Engineering class about the coming of peak oil. At that time, gas was still hovering around $1.00 per gallon. How quickly we forget about cheap gas, eh? He was also a big proponent of nuclear power for our electrical power needs. Most of our electricity needs come from the burning of coal. (Remember this the next time someone gets excited about an electric car and mentions how it's a "clean alternative" to gas. Then go ahead and point to the coal burning smoke stacks in the distance.) In this month's Wired Magazine there's a blurb about a book based on using more nuclear power. It's called "Power to Save the World". Here are a few of my favorite factoids from the Amazon review:

• 75% of that baseload electricity comes from power plants that burn fossil fuels, mainly coal, and emit carbon dioxide. Toxic waste from coal-fired plants kills 24,000 Americans annually.


• 20% comes from nuclear plants that use low-enriched uranium as fuel, burn nothing, and emit virtually no CO2. In 50 years of operation, they have caused no deaths to the public.


• Uranium is more energy-dense than any other fuel. If you got all of your electricity for your lifetime solely from nuclear power, your share of the waste would fit in a single soda can. If you got all your electricity from coal, your share would come to 146 tons: 69 tons of solid waste that would fit into six rail cars and 77 tons of carbon dioxide that would contribute to accelerated global warming.


• A person living within 50 miles of a nuclear plant receives less radiation from it in a year than you get from eating one banana. Someone working in the U.S. Capitol Building is exposed to more radioactivity than a uranium miner.


• Spent nuclear fuel is always shielded and isolated from the public. Annual waste from one typical reactor could fit in the bed of a standard pickup. The retired fuel from 50 years of U.S. reactor operation could fit in a single football field; it amounts to 77,000 tons. A large coal-fired plant produces ten times as much solid waste in one day, much of it hazardous to health. We discard 179,000 tons of batteries annually--they contain toxic heavy metals.


• Nuclear plants offer a clean alternative to fossil-fuel plants. In the U.S. 104 nuclear reactors annually prevent emissions of 682 million tons of CO2. Worldwide, over 400 power reactors reduce CO2 emissions by 2 billion metric tons a year.

If I had to pick one global issue that could significantly affect our lives over the next decade, peak oil would be it. And that's why I mention it every so often. The part that bothers me the most? Unless you live in a self sustaining community (which seems to be the ultimate outcome after the dust settles here), peak oil could disrupt your ability to get the most basic of human needs - water and food. If nobody's transporting food and water to your local grocery store, where would you get your food?

11/12/07 Lite Brite

Here's a virtual Lite Brite. Enjoy.

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According to some Giovanni guy, Leonardo Da Vinci's "The Last Supper" has musical notes hidden within the painting, revealing an entire requiem.

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The University of Illinois has a Quad Cam. It's dark now, so I can't see much. I bet you could pull some fun pranks with this.

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Remember the other day how I was bitching about online social networking? The root of it all is that I don't understand the allure of Facebook. Everyone else seems to love it. But I don't get it at all. Can someone please help explain it to me? It's so popular that even MySpace Tom joined.

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From the "Oh, grow up" files: 10 things to stop doing in your 20's.

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I forgot how funny Jim Breuer can be. Here he does his AC/DC and Metallica impersonations:





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I'm late reporting everything. I'm basically turning into Larry King. With infinity less wives. But Saturday was the 32nd (do you use "anniversary" for bad things too?) of the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Or, as I like to think of it, a great song for the first 2 minutes.



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If you beat Guitar Hero III, you unlock this song. Filthy.

11/10/07 In Memory of Matt

Ten years ago a very near and dear friend of mine passed away.

Matt was one of the kindest, gentlest souls I've ever met. To this day I continue to wonder what path his life would have taken. Last I remember, he wanted to be a veterinarian which was right in tune with his caring nature.

It's amazing how quickly ten years can go. This may put things into perspective... The last I remember hanging out with Matt before we went back to our respective colleges for the fall was for the famous Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield ear biting fight. Yup. That was ten years ago. I've never told anyone this before, but highlights of that fight bring back memories of Matt every time I see them.

While death is inevitable, dying young never seems quite fair. For whatever reason, Matt died way too young. Many of us continue to miss him, even a decade later.

11/10/07 Girls Night Out

This story required Poker Jason's permission. I normally don't write in detail about social events, but this one makes for a good story. Here goes...

Poker Jason calls me around 11:00 AM yesterday, asking if I have plans for the evening. He's just been offered 2 tickets to see the Anaheim Ducks play the San Jose Sharks. Now, I'm not much of a hockey fan. That's an understatement - I couldn't name five active hockey players in the entire league. The last time I went to a game was last century. Jason tells me that the tickets are really good. How good? Directly over center ice, 12 or so rows back. So, it's really a no brainer to go to my once-a-decade hockey game.

As we're driving to the game, our conversation revolves around sports. We're both sports fans - admittedly he's more so than I am. But we're both homers when it comes to our favorite teams. We talk about football and our fantasy teams. We talk about baseball and the acquisitions and trades we hope our teams make in the coming weeks. The drive was our own personal, unpolished version of "PTI". He makes the argument that the Mets could trade Jose Reyes to the Twins for Johan Santana and convinces me how it makes sense financially and competitively to do that AND sign A-Rod. I explain why, despite his papier-mache arm and creaking body, Johnny Damon to the White Sox is a value-add to their current roster.

We briefly shifted our talk to hockey, wondering how many players on the Ducks we could name collectively. I said "Pronger", not able to guess a first name nor know his ethnicity, face, position. (Turns out he's a beast at 6'6" and a defenseman born in Canada). Jason offered up Giguere as the goalie. He even pronounced it correctly. Without looking though, I bet he couldn't come up with a first name even after the game. Jason was also disappointed that they didn't play "Gettin' Jiggy With It" whenever he had a save.

Our macho, guy sports-talk continued until the hockey game started. At which point our masculinity and knowledge came to a screeching halt. Jason so eloquently put it - "I feel like a woman at a sporting event." He meant it in the way that women many times go to sporting events, and either want or pretend to want to learn the rules. But deep down they can't necessarily appreciate the strategy and the subtle nuances of the game. Thus began "Girls Night Out".

We began asking each other real basic questions about the game. Like, "Do they have overtime in hockey or shootouts?". "One guy has a "C" on his jersey. He must be the Captain. What's the "A" on the other jerseys for?" Our guesses ranged from "asshole" to "A-line" to "Enforcer" (Enforcer was my guess because I'm an idiot. Except that Jason's favorite player, Chris Kunitz, had an "A" and was pretty bad ass. It made a little sense at the time.) (I just looked it up - The "A" stands for Alternative Captain. There are 2 per team.)

Our confusion became evident when the crowd would yell and boo and get upset. We'd start guessing why everyone was so upset. Was it a missed call? An offsides? A cheap shot? Jason asked, "What does a hockey coach do during the game?" I responded, "He must change the lines". To which he asked, "Are there specific A, B and C lines? Or are they mix and match?" I had no answer. I had no idea. These things are basic hockey knowledge.

So I asked him the most basic of hockey trivia - "What were the original 8 hockey teams?" See how many you can name. I'll put them at the end. Ok, it's sort of a trick question. Because I just found out that my question was flawed. There were 6 original teams. We came up with about 9 possible answers. We figured New York, Boston, Chicago, Philly, Pittsburgh, Detroit, Toronto, Montreal and Buffalo were all viable options. I very badly wanted to ask the beer drinking ladies in the Niedermeyer jerseys in front of us if they knew. But my remaining unshriveled part of my balls couldn't handle them laughing at my ignorance.

Jason requested that I tell this story under one condition. He made a 3 team parlay bet on hockey that night. (In order to win a parlay, you need to win all of the bets.) He bet the under on one game and the over in the Blackhawks/Blues game. Somewhere during the 2nd period, he realized that he was 2 for 2 on those bets, with the Blackhawks scoring late, winning 4-2 and covering the 5.5 point over/under. Which left one remaining bet for the parlay to hit. He needed the Ducks to win this game.

Ideally, the Ducks would win for the fans and for his bet. Even more ideally, they'd win in overtime/shootout so we could figure out which one happened in case of a tie. That's exactly what happened. We learned that, in case of a tie, there's a 5 minute, sudden death overtime. After that, if it's still tied, there's a shootout. I think it's best of 3. It all happened very fast, but the Ducks won the shootout, leaving the home fans content.

To cap off "Girls Night Out", Jason and I exit the arena near where we thought we entered. I gauge that we parked a little more to the left than we exited. So we continue looking and walking left, realizing that our surroundings seems unfamiliar. We continue walking, completely confused with no sense of up or down, north or south. At some point, we figure to eventually recognize "our" parking lot. Maybe 8 minutes later, and 358 of the 360 degrees walked around the arena we finally recognize "Parking Lot 5". Before we drive off, we decide to make a group trip to the bathroom, compare breasts and call it a night. (Just realize that I could've gone with the "inability to drive in a parking lot joke" and let me believe that that's what you women do in there. If you let me slide, I'll let you women slide on the bathroom trips and we'll call it even, ok?)

The original 6 hockey teams: Montreal, Toronto, Chicago, Boston, Detroit, and New York.

11/8/07 S.S. Itari is Mixed Up and Blind

Some random thoughts:

• Why do people on strike walk in circles? Does it speed up their cause? Or are they just trying to keep warm?


• I can't wait for the Major League Baseball steroids report to come public. My guess (which has remained constant for years now) is that Jose Canseco will have guessed the most correctly. And that scores of players have used steroids and HGH. Which is why most of the accused players have kept their mouths shut up until this point. Because, what they want to say is, "Hey, everybody's doing it - Why am I being singled out?"


• Eventually, the league and the fans will have to come to terms with the fact that so many players used performance enhancing drugs. The list will include record holders and World Series winners. At that point, an asterisk won't suffice. It'll simply be labeled "The Steroid Era".


• Can we PLEASE get this online social networking thing straigtened out? I mean, I don't mind participating in it. But, come on! Friendster, MySpace, Orkut, Hi5, Facebook... I've had enough. Let's choose one and move on with it. Friendster was fine. But everyone thought it was douchey. So I moved onto MySpace. Now that's the ghetto network. Nobody really uses Hi5 or Orkut. Now Facebook is the place to be. Damnit. The fact that, after 12 years or so, we're no closer to a universal instant messanger, gives me no faith that we'll ever figure out this one either.


• I had a creepy dream last night about maggots. There were maggots on my bedroom floor, on my sheets, in between my sheets - It was disgusting. I looked up the dream interpretation: "To see maggots in your dream, represents your anxieties about death. It may also be indicative of some issue or problem that you have been rejecting and it is now "eating away" at you . You need to confront it for it is destroying your sense of harmony and balance."


• I have a Chicago Bears calendar on my wall. Each month features a different player. November is Rex Grossman. If you've watched the Bears play this year, watch Brian Griese on the sidelines. Notice who he's always talking to? 3rd string quarterback Kyle Orton. I've yet to see him once with Rex.


• Because Guitar Hero III wasn't already challenging enough (I still haven't beat that Slayer song), I decided to flip the guitar around and learn how to play lefty. Just chalk this up as one more in the "How sad am I?" files.

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Midnight Madness was one of my favorite movies as a kid... Fagabeefe?

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What if the show "24" aired in 1994? (Here's the link if the embedding doesn't work).




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This is a compilation of Viral Videos done to a "We Didn't Start the Fire" parody.

11/7/07 The Country Bear Jamboree

I've been invited to go to Disneyland next week. To be honest, I've never been. Many moons ago I've been to DisneyWorld in Orlando. But never Disneyland. I accepted the invitation on one term - That we go see The Country Bear Jamboree. In part because, other than EPCOT Center and other Orlando specific stuff, I don't remember much about the Magic Kingdom. Well, my friends... terribly disappointing news. And at the same time, I think I figured out the "real" mastermind behind 9/11. "The show was removed from Disneyland on September 9, 2001 to make way for The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh." Only two days before the attacks?! Ah ha. Mister A.A. Milne - You've got some 'splainin to do.

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Mike informed me yesterday that the poster boy for government douchebaggery, George Ryan, is finally starting his prison sentence. If you watch the press conference, you'll notice that, for some reason, a photographer takes an ass shot of the speaker.

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Cousin Eric sends the latest and greatest in home entertainment. It's called the Gamerator. For only $2,000, you too can have the multi-purpose, 2-in-1 stand up arcade game / kegerator.

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11/6/07 I Need TP for my Bunghole!

The most caffeinated city in the U.S. Drumroll please.....
It's Chicago.

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Cousin Dave sends Super Mario Brothers played on Tesla Coils.



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The only thing we have to fear....



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For those of you who went to high school with me, you may recognize this....

Check out this video: MY ACTOR’S DEMO REEL



Looking good, Mr. Dave. Looking good.

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THIS IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK! I repeat... DO NOT OPEN THIS AT WORK OR IF YOU THINK DISROBED HUMAN BODIES ARE INAPPROPRIATE TO SEE....

I just thought this music video was clever.

11/5/07 Loonie

The Canadian Dollar is now worth more than the American Dollar. $1.06 to be precise. The last time the Loonie was worth more than $1.06? July 11, 1864. The same 1864 when the Confederate Army was marching on Washington D.C., threatening to overthrow any semblance of government in the U.S. People must really love maple syrup.

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Bored with Guitar Hero? Here's Harmonica Hero...



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I recently said that "The Big Lebowski" leads all movies in usage of the F-word. I was wrong. I was way wrong. It's doesn't even come close. It's ranked 21st.

11/3/07 The Benefit of the Doubt

I like to think of myself as a benefit-of-the-doubter. That, when I first meet someone, I give that person the benefit of the doubt. I even give a 2nd or 3rd benefit. It takes a good 10 or 11 doubts to really diminish the benefit you were initially receiving. I mention this because I have to tell a story about a guy. The guy has no name. And not because I don't remember. It's because I never spoke a word to him. I was just watching and silently judging a complete stranger.

A few days ago I was enjoying a Peet's coffee outside of the coffee shop. (I mention Peet's only because it's probably the greatest coffee on earth and in some areas it's very hard to come by. Basically, I'm just bragging here). As I was reading at Peet's, minding my own business, a guy sat down at the table in front of me. The only way I can describe him is that he looked like the friend in Billy Madison that wasn't Norm MacDonald. (And, if you're paying attention, about 15 months ago I promised never, ever to mention Norm MacDonald again. I guess I lied). So, in a nutshell, the guy's not a real looker, not a good dresser, wearing socks, sandals, khaki shorts and an orange polo shirt.

This is where the benefit of the doubt comes in. I think to myself - I bet he's a good, decent guy. I'm sure that everyone else is judging him negatively based on his appearance. But noooo... not me... I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. In fact, maybe he's one of those really smart, kind hearted, professor type guys. You know, the kind of guy that you'd enjoy talking to over the aforementioned coffee. Or perhaps he's one of those brilliant artists or musicians that can be fascinating. Now I'm just curious about this guy's interesting life that I've invented in my head.

The dude gets a phone call. His ringtone? You feel like guessing? This is me we're talking about here... There's only one reason I would tell this story... The ringtone was Nickelback. So much for the brilliant artist idea. His teenage son shows up (and turns out to be the person who called). At this point, I'm really trying to get back and concentrate on my reading. Not that I ever wanted to take any interest in this guy in the first place, but, you know, things happen in public.

He gets another phone call. This time I listen to figure out which Nickelback song he has, since it takes an acute sense of musical talent to tell them apart. But wait, this ringtone isn't Nickelback. It was some cheesy Michael Bolton song. (I swear to you, I can't make this stuff up). And it was his wife. Since I'm still a benefit of the doubter, I began feeling bad for this guy. Like maybe his life took a wrong turn somewhere... oh maybe by knocking up this woman on the other end of the line about 14 years earlier. So either this guy has just awful music sense... OR... This may be worse... He might be so whipped, that he puts ringtones specifically for his wife and son, neither of whom have any music sense either.

At this point, I really pry myself back into my reading. I feel bad that I've taken such an interest in a complete stranger. And I feel even worse that I'm silently judging him for no apparent reason. (Yet, notice I don't feel bad at all sharing the story with the world. Funny how that works.) Within the next 10 minutes, I notice the guy and the son are gone. Around the same time, I hear an ungodly amount of excessive noise coming from the parking lot. It's the sound of a high revving engine in a quaint, strip mall parking lot. I turn around to see why anyone would make that much noise. At this point, you've probably guessed it - It's the guy. He's driving a black Camaro and simply reversing his car out of the parking spot. When all was said and done, I concluded that the guy was just an absolute douchebag.

Moral of the story? Quit people watching and mind your own business.

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Are you passive aggressive? Do you know someone who is? You'll enjoy this - Passive Aggressive Notes.

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