Monday, July 30, 2007

7/30/07 I Am a 55 Year Old Female

In a sign that it's Monday and I've really nothing to occupy myself, I'm going to tell you about my mail. In the past week I've gotten two pieces of mail that seem worth talking about. First is my very own AARP card. I put it in my wallet. And I'm going to present it anywhere that offers and AARP discount. This seems like a losing proposition, since, as soon as I prove who I am with a driver's license, I also prove that I'm not of retirement age.

The second piece of mail was from Victoria's Secret. In my name. Included in the mailer is a card for a free pair of cotton panties. I may also put that in my wallet. Then, next time I'm in the vicinity of a Victoria's Secret, I'm going to get my free pair of cotton panties. And I'm going to tell them they're for me. Then, depending on the level of security threats made against me, I'll go try them on... And ask the salesperson how they look as I make that backwards look at my backside and make that face of "Is my ass fat?" and give the salesperson those puppy dog eyes hoping she'll say something uplifting to falsely boost my ego. Ok, I know you're sickened at this point. You have every right to be. Also know that I'm joking. Sort of - These thoughts have crossed my mind... (Not the cross dressing part) But I don't have to cajones (no pun intended) to go through with it.

Somewhere in some marketing database, I'm labeled as a 55 year old female. Awesome.


I feel a little better about myself. Not because I wrote an entire paragraph about cotton panties. But because I'm not the only one who had the Harry Potter book cover problem.


My mom always told me that musicians are strange people. I've met many musicians over the years. However, we may have found the cream of the crop....


I'll take Anal Bum Cover for $600, Alex.

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