Tuesday, December 05, 2006

12/5/06 Modern Day Fables

I have two stories for today. In reverse chronological order. But in forward disgusting order. (I'll warn you when the first story ends and the second one begins, in case you are a little squeamish). I found myself in the little library in the clubhouse where I live at about 5:30 pm today. I decided I was going to sit outside, read a book and watch the sunset. And afterwards, not quite ready to head home, I sat in the library and continued reading. Recently, a nice flat screen HDTV was installed in the library. Personally, I'm not exactly happy about a TV in a quiet reading space. But whatever. My favorite (heavy sarcasm) show was on CNBC. "Deal or No Deal". What's the only thing worse than watching "Deal or No Deal"? (No, it's not watching it on a plane). It's watching it in a room with two elderly gentlemen (somewhere between 70 and 85 I would guess) who just couldn't seem to grasp how the show worked. Half out of kindness and half out of insanity, I offered up a little help in the conversation. About 30 minutes into the show, the one guy who seemed to sort of get it, just left, not particularly interested in the outcome. He got up saying, "I would've taken the $89,000. So I'm done." Which left me trying to explain the show to the other guy. Never before in my life had I ever been rooting for a "deal" so badly. Just so I could leave.

End of first story. Start of the unnecessary, disgusting story. Skip to the break if you don't like stories about bodily functions.

I had a perfectly unique poop today. I know. You're thinking... "Why does he have to talk about this?" The honest answer is - I spent the better part of the afternoon thinking about this particular poop. And if I don't write about it, it'll get stuck up there in my head, potentially leaving me vulnerable for an aneurysm as I get older. And we don't want that. Besides, I even gave the poop a name. It's called, "The bases clearing triple". Why "The bases clearing triple", you might ask. Because, much like the most exciting play in baseball (the triple), it was by far the most unexpected thrill of my week thus far. But why bases clearing? And why was it so exciting? For that, we have to back up a little bit further. I fell asleep somewhere around 2am the night before. And woke up only 5 hours later. I got started for the day and took a fantastic morning poop. It was great. One of those poops that just gets you through the day with a smile. That was the beginning to the rally. You need to fill in some of the blanks, namely how the bases became loaded and how we ended up with two outs. (I know, I failed to mention that the bases clearing triple happened with two outs. I just decided that it did right now. It seems to make sense for later in the story.) But early in the afternoon, a bloating pain came about. Out of nowhere, I had to go again. I REALLY had to go. And this time, it was even better than the fantastic one I had to start out the day. Quick, hugely massive, easy clean up and, above all, one of those lifters of the spirit that makes you wonder if God really does exist in the most subtle of daily activities. There's really no explanation as to where it came from. But it was a pleasant surprise, empowering me to finish the week strong (and it's only Tuesday). Your last question may be - Why not a grand slam? Two reasons. One: The bases clearing triple seems far more exciting than the grand slam, despite the outcome. Two: With two outs, there's still hope to drive in one more run. The triple gave me hope for a poop trifecta before midnight. However, if it doesn't happen, it still doesn't matter. We busted open a 3 run lead with the triple and that's the most important part. I still have my fingers crossed for the two out RBI.


I need to explain why I didn't post this on 12/5. It was written. It was ready. I came back to my place around 10pm, ready to log in and post it. And for some reason, there was no connection through my cable modem. So, I start the process. Check that cable TV is on. Check the router, check the cable modem. IP release. IP renew. Restart. Turn off router. Turn off cable modem. Restart them. Restart computer. After about 45 minutes of being a techie nerd, it hits me. I look for a flyer from Time Warner cable. It says that they're taking over service in my area between 12/4 and 12/7 and to expect some service downtime. I call their 24/7 service line just to confirm. They trace my cell phone caller ID to Chicago and tell me that I'm not a Southern California customer. And they hang up on me. Awesome. So I give up on going online for the remainder of the night, hoping that service will return in the morning.

Around 11pm, I'm taking a post-interner-fixing leak (I know, unnecessary. But not really.) And I hear a noise at my back door. (Why am I telling so many stories? At this point it just seems like it'll make this whole post complete). It's my upstairs neighbor. Who appears to be intoxicated with a drink in hand and a snake around her neck. (She owns a snake and I've seen it before, so it wasn't as surprising as you might think. Although it looks like it's shedding.) And she looks like she just wants to come in. So, I have my guard up, not exactly wanting company (especially drunken company) at this hour. Despite my desires, I open the door anyways. I take advantage of the intoxication to tell her that I'm planning to learn the bagpipes and to tell her about the noise it's going to make. Thanks to intoxication, she doesn't care. In fact, she's excited. Long story short, she ends up in my kitchen and I notice that the snake it bleeding from the mouth in my sink. I tell her that she needs to get the snake to a vet. She asks me to hold the snake while she cleans up. I hand the snake back to her, saying that it needs a vet and that I'll clean up. And she finally leaves with the bleeding snake. I clean up the snake blood all over my kitchen. (Looking back I should've saved it and sold it to some voodoo shop). And no, I haven't heard what happened with the snake. This, my friends, equates to the number 8 hitter (.232 on the year) swinging at a 3-0 pitch, driving it foul and hitting the 3rd base coach in the head, causing a concussion. Only, the batter is told to take the next pitch, then swinging at ball four up near the eyes and popping up to end the inning. (Translation: No evening poop. End of rally. End of inning. Not a good feeling. Momentum is ruined. But overall, still a good day. Thanks to the bases clearing triple.)


I also briefly tried NBA '07 on PS3 at Circuit City. AWE... SOME!


George W. Bush - The Cartoon.

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