6/28/07 Big Frank

Congratulations to Frank Thomas for hitting his 500th homerun. If there's anyone I would consider my childhood sports hero, it's Frank. On the wall behind me, I have a framed, autographed photo of the final White Sox homerun at the Old Comiskey from September 26, 1990.

I distinctly remember spending time with my friend and neighbor Jason around the age of 12, and talking about Frank Thomas just before he was brought up from the minor leagues. From that moment forward, watching Frank Thomas was something I continually looked forward to. I guess, from a personal standpoint, it was fun to see a guy who was built to play football, have such a great eye at the plate and hit for average before he hit for power. Most people focus on the 500 homeruns. What is forgotten is his lifetime .303 batting average. And the nearly 1600 walks. His career OPS is 11th on the all time list, just ahead of Mark McGwire, Mickey Mantle, Joe DiMaggio and Stan Musial.

I don't want to go nuts and tell you how he's a hall of famer. (He is). But people tend to forget just what a dominant hitter he was from the moment he joined the major leagues. In his first full season, he was 3rd in MVP voting. He had back to back MVP awards in 1993 and 1994. He has been in the top 10 in the MVP voting 9 times. Nine times? Nine times. Plus, he never hit more than 43 homeruns in a single season. The 500 homeruns have been based on a lot of dominant, consistent years.

Stevenson Stormy puts it best - "Since the steroid scandals, both Frank Thomas and Griffey's legacies have been embraced by the MLB community since they were the two most outspoken advocates for testing for years. They are the only players to get to 500 in the past decade that are not tarnished by roids."

Wow. I really didn't intend to have my own personal Frank Thomas love fest. But it happened. I'm just very happy for him. Since he's my childhood sports hero and all. Frank - congratulations. You deserve all of the praise you're getting. The road ovation in Minnesota was extra sweet.

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Since I'm in a sports mood.... Some thoughts on the NBA draft:

• I'm not a huge NBA fan. But I've been excited about this draft. I actually kind of planned my afternoon around it.


• I love when really tall women (let's say 6 foot and above) wear 2 and 3 inch heels. (This has nothing to do with the draft. I just saw a really tall woman in giant heels today. I like how she embraced her height and appeared very confident.)


• Steven A. Smith screams a lot. Most of what he has to say can be done in a normal tone of voice. I'd like to see a reality TV show where he gets locked in a room with Dick Vitale.


• Yi Jianlian refused to workout for any team. Then, he and his agents told the Milwaukee Bucks not to draft him. The Chinese government seems to be pulling lots of strings here. This is quickly becoming a subplot that could easily be worked into next season of "24". Actually, now that I think about, it would probably be a better plot than last season. Oh, and what was the point of interviewing Yi after he was drafted? He obviously didn't really understand the questions, nor did he really have the language skills to respond in any coherent manner.


• I'm excited that the Bulls took Joakim Noah. In part because he wore a sear sucker suit and a huge bow tie to draft night. In part because he could have been a top 2 pick last year and he dropped to 9 this year. But mostly because he has a hot mom. (She was Miss Sweden 1978 and took 2nd in the Miss Universe contest). At this point, you probably think I have a hot mom problem. You know what? Maybe I do.


• I'll admit it. I sort of fell asleep a little during the middle of the first round. And I lost any steam I had to make a fun NBA draft journal. Read ESPN.com tomorrow. Theirs will be way better anyways.

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While we're doing nothing but sports, I'd like to take a moment to congratulate my softball team for our first victory of the season. 33-3. That's not a typo. Nor did the opposition resemble Jerry's Kids in any way. We just rocked out for one evening.

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I had a bunch of other stuff. But I'll leave it for tomorrow.




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And for something completely unrelated... If "The Sopranos" was on basic cable.

6/27/07 Chubbs

Cousin Eric sends an article with the headline: "One-eyed gator pulls golfer into pond".

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Thanks to everyone who left their Kirby memory yesterday. There are a few of you (and I won't name names) that still owe it to Kirby to leave at least one memory. You get a reprieve for now. But by the weekend, we're making your names public.

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Since you've had nothing to worry about lately, how about this? The recent spike in credit and debt may lead to a severe economic depression.

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Courtesy of No Longer Neighbor Natalie:

The embedding wasn't working - So try this link instead: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/33f2687080

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Oh, and finally... My brother and I were exchanging emails with Goonies trivia. He was being nice and giving reasonable questions. I was being a dick and giving really hard ones. For all of you Goonies fans out there, here is a taste of the questions we were exchanging:

• When Troy goes to the bathroom, what magazine is he reading?
• What music related shirt is Mouth wearing in the opening scene in the house?
• How many lawnmower jobs did it take Brand to buy that bicycle, his most favorite thing in the world?
• What year is on the Doubloon?
• What is the correct order of the elaborate door opening system?

1. bowling ball, bucket, balloon, chicken, egg, football, sprinkler
2. balloon, chicken, egg, bowling ball, bucket, football, sprinkler
3. bowling ball, bucket, football, chicken, egg, balloon, sprinkler
4. football, balloon, bowling ball, bucket, chicken, egg, sprinkler
   

In Memory of Kirby: 1992 - 2007

This is actually hard for me. And it's been especially hard on my parents. So bear with me today as I talk about Kirby. If, by chance, you think it's silly that I talk about a dog who's been around for half of my life, then just move on and come back tomorrow.

After 15 years, Kirby was put down this morning. I was unaware that this was going to happen. At the same time, Kirby had suffered more than his share of ailments over the past few years. It only seemed merciful that he be allowed to finally go in peace.

To this day, I'm convinced that Kirby was the most famous dog in all of Buffalo Grove. I was asked about him at my 10 year high school reunion. That little furball lived quite a good life, in most thanks to my parents. There's very little else to say. But I will say this - I'm gonna miss the guy. As I know many of you will too.

Since so many of you knew Kirby, I'm asking for your favorite Kirby memory. (Charlotte Dan: I know your favorite memory. Don't be afraid to tell everyone). I don't want to steal any of your thunder (as many of us may have the same memories). So you go first. I'll save mine for later.

Thanks for the good times, Kirby. You will be missed.

6/25/07 This Blog is Rated "R"

No Longer Neighbor Natalie tells me that this blog is rated "R". I checked for myself. It is. My first response was that the "R" rating was perfect. Since it fits right in with my target audience of pirates. Then, given the chance to never tell that joke again, I still did. Right now. Then I thought, well, perhaps I should watch my language a little bit more. This is available to anyone to read. That's probably not a good venue to swear. Now I'm thinking, fuck it.

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Charlotte Dan sends, what should be the next "Encyclopedia Brown" story. The case of the $67 million pants.

Have you ever read/seen/heard something that you rarely, if ever, read/see/hear... then read/see/hear it again later that same day? And you start to wonder what kind of crazy sign/coincidence it is? Why is this part of the Charlotte Dan article? Because this has happened to me twice in recent days.

The first had to do with Encyclopedia Brown. Before I went to see "1408", I saw that "Nancy Drew" was a movie. Which got me to thinking about books of our childhood. (Is childhood collective? Or is it childhoods?) And I mentioned that I was a big fan of "Encyclopedia Brown". Lo and behold, John Cusack makes an "Encyclopedia Brown" reference in the movie. (I swear it wasn't in the book).

The second instance had to do with a windsock. I was watching some show about Jupiter and the magnetic field is in the shape of a windsock that extends out to Saturn or something crazy like that. Since I obviously don't know much about anything that's obvious, I had to look up windsock. Again, later that day, I was in a little strip mall of offices. And, voila, a windsock store.

This is where the blog is open for comments. Tell us about your best crazy coincidence story. Remember, this blog is rated "R". So go nuts.

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Guitar Hero 3. Coming this fall. Personally, I'm super excited about "Cult of Personality" and "Cherub Rock".

6/24/07 1408

I had a first today. I read a story and saw the same movie in the same day. It was 1408. For the first time since I saw "The Ring" about four years ago, I came home feeling shivers and looking over my shoulder. Pardon the language, but 1408 is just a mind fuck. It's still hovering in the back of my mind. During the movie, I had goosebumps and the hair on my arms stood up. If you're into that kind of thing, I highly recommend it. If you want to read it first (I did and it didn't ruin the experience one bit), find yourself a copy of Stephen King's "Everything's Eventual". From what I hear, the audio version of the story is even better. Given the lousy track record of Stephen King stories moving to the big screen, the screenplay writers did a tremendous job.

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In other news, my Total Recall friend (no name just yet - not until I come up with a suitable nickname) said that she used to repair theremins. And that the Moog Etherwave Theremin is a pretty good one. She also claims to be pretty good at playing it. She also couldn't believe I didn't know what a theremin was. Just like misspelling "cilice" by every letter, I've learned that there is still plenty I don't know about.

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6/23/07 Where's Waldo?

Cousin Eric sends an online version of Where's Waldo. To which I responded, "Thanks for ruining my day." Good luck finding him.

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My dad sends a video of a Boeing 747 landing on the island of St. Maarten.

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If you thought the Theremin was cool, how about music from a Tesla Coil?



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For all of you fans of Mighty Mouse out there:

6/21/07 Sunrise, Sunset

Today I learned what a theremin is. It's an instrument that you play by not touching it.

It's very EPCOT Center-ish.

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A friend of mine IMed about something that's happening in two weeks. I responded with "tWo Weeeeeks". She immediately knew what movie I was referring to. Very impressive....

6/20/07 There's No Need To Fear

The Nacho Expert sends some extraordinary news. The subject of his email was "You're Gonna Love It". That's an understatement. I'm outright giddy. I'm calling it right now - Best Picture of 2007 - Underdog.

When I was 5 years old and in kindergarten, I watched Underdog every day. I went to afternoon kindergarten and gleefully anticipated watching Underdog late in the morning just before I left for school. At some point during that year, the network moved Underdog to the early afternoon so that I'd have to miss it. I wrote a letter to the network to complain. Seriously. I was a dork then too. There was really no stopping the dorkiness. It was in me from day one. Years later I found that very letter, written in crayon, somewhere in the house. My mom admitted that she never sent it. It's possible that the letter still exists. And if it does, I'll have it scanned and put it up.

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I like pausing DVR during newscasts and other shows with people talking into the camera. Despite their professional presence in real time, they make some pretty goofy faces on pause. If I had any motivation I'd start a website.

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The winner to yesterday's Kobe contest is no one. I'm sure the video is floating out there somewhere. And I'd love to see it.

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I was talking to a friend the other day about "Paranoid Android". This is for that friend:

6/19/07 Kobe Video

We're going to play a little game. It's called - "Who can find a link to the new Kobe video first?" Ready? Go.

6/18/07 Bacchus in a Box

I'm not fashionable. Never have been. I'm frequently told, "Get with the times". Today, I get my revenge. This is dedicated to everyone who has joined in the joyous boxed wine nights all those years ago. My friends - this time, we were ahead of our time.

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The Sports Guy goes to Vegas. If you've driven there from Southern California, you can extra-relate.

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The Nacho Expert pointed out that many of the videos here are getting taken off of YouTube. To which he expertly pointed out that they must have ruled. They did. That's just going to happen from time to time. He also gave a solution to the hat problem.

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In case you have an hour where you're really, really bored - The Internet Power Hour. It's an hour long video consisting of all sorts of popular Viral and YouTube videos. It starts with the Numa Numa kid and basically that's the idea.

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Since Demetri Martin got such a good response on Friday, here's some more.

6/17/07 Players Behaving Badly

Northwestern Nicole sends a great sports site called Players Behaving Badly. Whether you're into brawls, suspensions or drunken benders, this site has something for you. (Personally, I think she sent it because the Cubs seem to be the majority shareholders in the brawl section).

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Happy Father's Day. It's rare that I post anything sappy or heartfelt. This would be an exception.



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As many of you already know, the 17 year cicadas are back. I distinctly remember, 17 years ago, thinking about what an old fart I'd be when the cicadas came back. I wondered what my wife's name would be. And where we'd be living. And how many kids we'd have. Eh, maybe next time.

My mom asked me if we get the same cicadas in California. Like most questions she asks, I don't know the answer. But I gathered from the fact that nobody out in California knew what I was talking about and that I hadn't seen one all year, that no, they are not out here. So I finally found a Cicada Map. For those of you in Chicago, you might enjoy this little interactive map. The map shows where the cicadas have come out in fuller force this time.

If you're not familiar with the cicadas, they're ugly suckers. I just learned that their 17 year cycle is an evolutionary advantage since 17 in a prime number. Any predator that could evolve to attack on a more regular cycle. For example, if the cicadas came out every 15 years instead, any predator that was on a 3 or 5 year cycle would be primed for the kill after 15 years.

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Like I've said before, the 2004 presidential election wore me out. The endless bickering and arguing was very tiresome. Admittedly, I made some politically charged and biased posts during that time. I can't make any promises. But I'm going to try and avoid that this time around. This isn't intended to be a political battleground. So, anything that appears political, really isn't. Now that that's out of the way, today's video is called "I've Got a Crush... on Obama".



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If you don't like that, perhaps you'll like this. A "Behind the Music" like spoof on TV theme songs. If you have the time, give it at least a minute or two.

6/15/07 Where Are All of the During Photos?

As you well know, I have a love/hate relationship with commercials. I absolutely adore the clever, edgy commercials. At the same time, I am sickened by the other 98% of commercials that are just (forgive the British) rubbish. In the, what's becoming frequent, tradition of mind numbing commercials, I am using this post to clear my head of them. It's really more for my own mental and physical well-being. If you're not interested, nobody's forcing you to read this. Just scroll down watch some of the old videos again. I do sometimes. They still make me laugh. One last thing (this is for you, Skooky) - I promise not to post videos of a defensive lineman rapping about furniture. Or underage girls eating ice cream.

• Leed's Mattress - Oh, this is fantastic. They even have their commercial on their website. They start their commercial with "Did you know that 9 out of 10 people need a new mattress?" Where did that stat come from? The Sleep Institute of Pulling Numbers Out of Our Asses?


• The Commerce Casino - Their quote is something like, "What's it like getting pocket aces at the Commerce Casino?" Then they show the guy who has the aces on a roller coaster, all kinds of excited. I have a few problems with this. First, how is getting pocket aces at their casino any different than picking them up at another casino? Second, the dude obviously had a huge hand if his face looks like he's riding a roller coaster. One of my favorite things about poker is knowing when somebody has aces and cracking them. But, most importantly... The flop comes Ace high with 3 diamonds. Sure, he flopped top set. But, his opponent moves in on the turn and the board didn't pair. He insta-calls for, what looks like thousands of dollars. Then the river brings him quad aces. In my mind, I'm hoping that his opponent had the nut flush (they never show) and that Mr. Aces sucked out since he has no idea how to play aces. Note to casino commercials - if you're going to advertise poker, at least make it so the guy holds the nuts when he's donking off his chips.
• Priceline.com - Does William Shatner really need to embarrass himself any more? He's 76 years old. Just go golf. Or do whatever it is you enjoy doing. Unless, wait... Maybe he likes giving an air geriatric karate chop to advertise "half price" specials.


• AIG Auto Insurance - "If you have (any of various other auto insurances), you may be overpaying by hundreds of dollars." (The guy magically disappears off to the right of the screen and pulls a Pac Man and shows up again on the left side). This time he's really in your face and repeats, "HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS". Ok, dude. I got it. How is it that every auto insurance company offers savings over the others? If I had to give it some thought, and choose car insurance based on commercials alone, I would automatically eliminate AIG, Geico (not a big fan of the gecko), Mercury, ESurance (I'm pissed that they used "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and put E-surance words in there instead). I'm also pissed that I don't know which letters to capitalize in eSurance. Or if there's a hyphen or not. If their name and commercials are this complicated and upsetting, I can only imagine that their roadsides assistance is equally complicated and upsetting. The only auto insurance commercial I remotely like is AllState. Because it gave me faith that President Palmer's assassination didn't really happen. And that he's alive and well, and on the side of the road as some sort of superhero, saving moms and kids from running over construction workers.

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Try and guess what this commercial is for before they show the product about 1:10 into it.

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This commercial would NEVER fly in the states:



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And finally, here's some comedy to start your weekend with a smile. There's really no video, so plug in your headphones, minimize the window and keep working...

6/14/07 Attention Chicago Peeps!

This message is to everyone in and around Chicago. Tomorrow is the Chicago Air Guitar Championships. If you have to chance to be the next Air Guitar Hero, please do it. Do it for those of us who want to be there, but can't. It's at the Metro on 3730 N. Clark. And more information is available at http://www.usairguitar.com/.

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For those of you who don't have a lot of time to catch up on the Rocky, uh, (What's a trilogy, but for 6? A sex-ogy? A bi-trilogy?) Here are all of the Rocky movies. In 5 seconds.



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While we're at it - The 3 good Stars Wars Movies. In 5 seconds each:

6/12/07 Heroes Never Say Die

A few weeks ago I was out to breakfast on an unseasonably cool morning in May. While I was waiting outside to be seated, some guy passes by on his beach cruiser. (That's a simple bike for those of you like me who didn't grow up in California). He started ringing his 1950's bike bell and shouted, "More global warming! More global warming!"

That seems to be the sentiment in Denver too, where they woke up to the coldest June 8th in 50 years. 31 degrees. After doing a little research, I checked the hottest years in Denver since they started keeping records in 1873. Nine of the 12 warmest years on record occurred before 1955. Mr. Gore - I have some additional questions I'd like to ask you.

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Guitar Hero II: The Movie



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While I've already proven that I've never grown up emotionally. And that I find parody trailers for movies based on video games fun... Here's Mike Tyson's Punchout: The Movie.

RIP Mr. Wizard

RIP Mr. Wizard

6/11/07 She's So Heavy

I don't have HBO. I haven't had a movie channel for probably 6 years now. Which is silly, since, out of all of the crap I spend money on, I could probably afford the extra 50 cents a day for HBO. But I still don't do it. That being said, I still saw the final scene of "The Sopranos". It was unavoidable.

All week I kept getting asked if I watch "The Sopranos". I used to. Six years ago. Back in the day when I never thought I might end up looking like Tony Soprano. (I swear I'm probably still 15 years away, but I'm getting there). But I had to sheepishly answer "no" and kill the conversation right then and there.

I call my mom on Sunday evening and she politely answers, "Hi, how are you?" "I'm fine, how are you?" (I tend to elongate "fine" and "you" since I'm a dick and can't seem to even pretend to enjoy the pleasantries of a normal human conversation). She tells me, "The Sopranos is just starting. Can I call you back right after it's done?". And she did.

I feel like I completely missed out on this phenomenon. Even The Sports Guy's Chat revolved around "The Sopranos". You know how I said I saw the final scene already? What I didn't tell you is that I saw it on ESPN. Twice. One of the emailers to The Sport Guy's Chat put it best - "...it's funny people watched 6 seasons of the show and didn't realize it was over their head until the finale?"

This entire talk about "The Sopranos" is leading to the greatest analogy I've heard in some time. I was talking to Cousin Barry. And, of course, he asked if I had seen the final episode. He asked me if I was familiar with The Beatles' "Abbey Road". I told him that, despite being nearly a decade older than I am, it was one of my favorite albums of all time. He said the ending to "The Sopranos" was just like "I Want You (She's So Heavy)". I thought for a second. And he's right on. Obscure analogies make me smile.






(This isn't quite the song off of Abbey Road I'm looking for. But this stretch on the "B" side is absolutely magical).




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And now for something fun. Here's a video optical illusion. Trust me, it's not one of those scary Exorcist videos that screams at you. I don't like those. And I won't ever do anything like that to you. Stare at the dot.

6/10/07 Nacho Fantasy

(WARNING: This isn't exactly 100% safe for work).... Some guy lived out his fantasy and ate nachos while having sex. It only seems appropriate that, as the resident online nacho spokesperson, I give him some credit... for finding nachos in Bali.

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While I'm going inappropriate today - Ann Coulter gets a creampie. (Unfortunately, it's not as grudge-a-licious as you might hope).




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I hope, for all of our sakes, that this is the last time I mention Evan O'Dorney. After giving this lots of thought, I finally figured out what he needs. (No, it's not medication). He needs an agent. We've seen him on CNN in a poorly constructed interview that made his idiosyncrasies look like he's a cocky asshole. When, in reality, he's just more borderline autistic. (Watch it again - you'll see what I'm talking about). How is this happening? I get the feeling that his parents are getting phone calls like, "Hey, can Evan appear on the (whatever) show tomorrow?" And they're like, "Yeah sure. That sounds great." And each of the shows is doing their absolute worst to portray him in a positive light. Here's another example from the Jimmy Kimmel show - Seriously, couldn't they have let the kid win? Or at least told him that it was a joke?




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And finally, here's something fun. Jager Bomb dominoes:

6/8/07 Evan O'Dorney

The origin on Deja Vu in the brain has been found.

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I wanted so badly to be in Evan O'Dorney's corner. I wanted so badly for him to break the mold. I wanted so badly for him to prove that spelling champions could do other great things with their lives. But, Evan man... C'mon... You're not helping the cause here...

Spelling Bee Winner

Posted Jun 05, 2007

This is why you don't homeschool your children.

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The origin on Deja Vu in the brain has been found.

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It's 10:30 am. I've watched this video at night and now again in the morning. And I've concluded the following - there is no good time for a pickle surprise.

6/6/07 Drive In Movies

The Drive-In is back. In Orange County. This also seems like a good time to congratulate the Anaheim "Don't Call Us Mighty" Ducks for winning the Stanley Cup. If you don't live in California, you probably had no idea that hockey is still played professionally. It is. And people here are psyched.

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In a following up to the 2007 Spelling Bee, I found a repeat of the finals on my DVR. With the ending in tact. First, the Canadian's mom wasn't as hot as I thought. But she's still cute. For a mom. But, looking back, I think I Samir Patel-ed her. (That's a subtle reference to "overhype".) Both Mister Abrams and Hot Corner Heidi IMed to tell me that "cilice" was the only word they got right. (And to a lesser extent, reaffirming that I'm an idiot). They both referred to "The Da Vinci Code". Now, if the word had been "cryptex", I would've been all over that one.



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100 movies, 100 quotes, 100 numbers... If you have time, this is cool...




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I love 1960's propaganda:

6/5/07 Rock the 80's

Are you excited for Guitar Hero III? Mister Abrams sends a site about everything Guitar Hero.

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In one of my recent tirades, I mentioned the show "Pirate Master" and how pirates didn't even talk or act like that. I feel redeemed.

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For those of you that liked the 80's montages, here are 10 great scenes from the Office. And while we're at it - A bunch of video compilations.

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Here's some more Yellow Ledbetter. Thanks to the Sports Guy.



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And more misheard lyrics for Evenflow:



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6/4/07 Low Pressure System

Every so often I just need to write just to clear my head. I made the mistake of turning on my TV today. And my mind is now cluttered with crap. So the crap is making its way here. I apologize in advance for the mental diarrhea.

Have you seen these commercials? Or others like them that are just downright insulting?

• The consolidated credit commercial where the guy says, "6 in 10 people are in debt." Then he acts like he's making some sort of profound statement, sternly raises his voice and follows that up with, "That's more than half". Oh, really? Thanks. I guess this commercial is geared towards those people who are still in awe of the dissected thumb trick. I can't wait for their next commercial where the guy grabs the screen and tells us, "Got your nose".


• Some GMC Denali commercial shows the truck drive straight up the side of a large building. It then drives down the opposite side. However, just so we're clear, in large print you read, "Fictionalization". Again, thanks.


• "Poker After Dark" airs from 2:00 am to 3:00 am, 6 nights a week. Just about every time it airs, there's a commercial that starts something like this - "If you could guarantee the security of your children and grandchildren, wouldn't you do it?" What demographic do they think is watching poker at 2:30 am? The concerned grandparent demographic? Try loser, single guys like me between the ages of 18 and 32. I'm sure whatever you're offering is fantastic. We're just not interested.

During some ESPN game break, there was a highlight of the Milwaukee Brewers and Prince Fielder. The ESPN guy was recalling someone else's quote and said something like "His biceps are so big, you could draw a map of the United States on there and still have room for Argentina." Why Argentina? If he was making it up on the spot, then fine. It's cool. But he was quoting someone else and had it prepared. Still, everyone laughed. I'm only telling you this so you can read the origin of every state name.

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This one I like. It was sent yesterday by the Nacho Expert to share some joy:

6/3/07 Size Matters

The facts are in. It's been proven. The size of your ring finger correlates to... Your mathematical ability.

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Feel like wasting your next 20 minutes? Here are 10 great movie montages from the 80's.

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From the Lewis Black "Why the fuck even open your mouth" files: "Next Hurricane Could Strike Anywhere From TX to NY".

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I saw Al Gore on TV the other day. And all I could think was.... I bet he's left handed. He is.

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In case you're not familiar with Lewis Black...



(On a personal note, I had the privilege of attending the taping of this performance)

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In case you missed it - the minor league manager going nuts...