3/31/05 Buy Me Some Peanuts and Crackerjack

What a great time of year. Spring is in the air (or soon will be, depending on where you live), a new NCAA champion will be crowned on Monday and baseball is only a few days away. In honor of opening day, ESPN presents one prediction for every day of baseball in 2005. It kept me entertained at work today, so I've opted to share.

While Terry Schiavo and The Pope are making headlines, a comedy legend passed away today. Rest In Peace, Mitch Hedberg. You brought me and many of my friends lots of laughter. We can only hope that it's some sort of sick April Fool's Joke. Some of my favorite Mitch Hedberg quotes:

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.

My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

Why are there no during pictures?

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

3/30/05 Da Bulls

Da Bulls are actually going to make Da Playoffs. At 39-31, they are only a game behind the Wizards for home court advantage in the first round. Take that, Kobe.

The world's largest skyscraper is being planned in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.

From the scary files, 2/3 of the world's resources have been used up. If you're a plan-ahead kind of person, you might want to watch The Road Warrior for some ideas.

From the, "I'm not dead yet" department - CBSNews accidentally left Terry Schiavo's obituary online.

3/29/05 Create Your Own Band

Have you ever wanted your own crappy band? I know I have. Here's your chance.

3/28/05 Excuses

Create your own excuse. You know you need one.

3/27/05 Final Four, Baby

Things to do when you're bored. Where was this page when I was out of work?

Peace, I'm outta here.

3/26/05 Big Bucks, No Whammies and... STOP!

Download Press Your Luck on your computer.

Sometimes I bash our government every now and then. That's what makes this country great. Today I have something to the contrary. New Mexico State Senator Steve Komadina has presented a tremendously important bill to Congress - The Right to Eat Enchiladas Act.

South Park never ceases to surprise me. This week's episode had to do with musicians and their agents. And once again, they slipped something into the episode that I didn't catch right away. The character Wing is a real person. Who knew? Actually, if you knew, don't make me feel bad about my stupidity.

Go Illini!

3/25/05 Peeps

I love peeps. Peeps alone allow me to forget how ridiculous a holiday Easter really is. What are we celebrating? Jesus' rebirth into a 6-foot tall bunny who hides colored eggs from kids? Mmm, I love peeps. And now, the greatest invention EVER. Make your own peeps.

The only thing more confusing than the story and tradition of Easter is this Japanese Gameshow. It reminds me of that Geico commercial, Tiny House (which, I have to admit, fooled me the first time I saw it). Except that the Japanese version is real and they didn't give the guy any food or furniture.

3/24/05 Access Hollywood

I'm sure you've probably heard the Pat O'Brien tapes, but here they are again.

Kyrgyzstan Leader Reportedly Flees Country. He's been found hanging out with Pat Sajak looking to buy a vowel.

After weeks of sucking with the Powerball, I finally cracked my old high score. My new high score is 11,477.

I think I posted this before, but it's still cool - a 3.5 Gigapixel photo.

And here's a few optical illusions.

To my family, I have another reason to come visit me (as if you needed any more). I work half a block from Jerry's Famous Deli. We could go there for breakfast, lunch and dinner if you want. And given your history, I know you'll want to.

3/23/05 Your Ideal Celebrity

Google Nicki sent me Your Ideal Celebrity. Mine's Beyonce. What can I say? I've got good taste.

3/22/05 Worst Jobs in History

Yeah, I may not like the idea of working everyday. Yeah, my job isn't exactly something I brag about. But compared to the worst jobs in history, I, well, don't have the worst job ever.

I had one of those "mysteries of the universe" nerdy intellectual fun days today. If you're into that kind of stuff, you'll absolutely enjoy reading 13 things that do not make sense. One that I had never heard of is #4 Belfast Homeopathy Results. I won't go into it, but it gave me a sense of "wow" when reading it.

Science may not be able to explain everything, but scientists now know what you're thinking.

Thanks to my dad for sending Barry Rozner's article about Sammy Sosa. It took most Chicagoans far too long to realize what a jerk, cheater, and overall scumbag Sammy Sosa is. But hey, better late than never.

Thanks to Mike for sending The Leader Test. Honestly, I haven't had time to take it yet, but Mike has yet to disappoint in what he sends, so I trust that it's most definitely worthwhile.

3/21/05 Daniel-San

You stay focus.

I learned how to make LSD today. I once tried to make aspirin in my chemistry class and to test for impurities, we had to burn them off. My aspirin was so impure that the teacher had to clear us out of the room due to the noxious fumes. So, if by chance, I ever offer you homemade LSD... don't take it. Man, I miss Bunsen burners.

This could perhaps be the saddest invention ever made.

For people who like stats, try the Baby Name Wizard. I realize now that I have a name popular in the 60s. My brother has a 50s name, which makes sense. He's got a beatnik haircut and I'm kind of a hippie (Well for my family, I'm a hippie. I'm not really a hippie). Being old fashioned must run in my family. My dad's got a name popular in the 20s and my mom's name was popular in the 40s. To keep with the trend, I might name my kid Horace or Blanche or Esther or Clarence or something like that. My family will be all over the 1905 retro comeback trend.

3/20/05 Cell Phone Madness

I went to buy a cell phone about a year and a half ago and, when asked what I was looking for, I said, "A phone that makes and receives calls. Oh, and it would be nice if it stores phone numbers." What I got was, "This one has an internet browser and a camera phone." "I don't think you heard me, jackass." I responded. "I want the cheapest phone that works." Since my wonderful shopping experience back in 2003, downloadable ring tones have become insanely popular. I refuse to pay for a ring tone. It's that simple. If I want to hear my favorite song, I'll listen to it elsewhere. I don't need to show off the first few, low audio quality bars of Neil Diamond's "America" for the rest of the world to hear. The last thing we need is an entire office of people humming, "Everywhere around the world... They're coming to America". Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, something I learned today. I got sidetracked when I saw that the Japanese are actually reading full length novels on their cell phones. Is there some sort of severe tree shortage in Japan where they can't buy books? It's these fads that will seem as ridiculous in 10 years as fanny packs seem now that make me want to move to Montana.

I found AmIAnnoying.com. So far I haven't come across my picture. Or yours, for that matter.

How's your bracket? How many of your final four are left? I'll admit I had Wake Forest in my final four. But my other 3 are intact. Go Illini!

3/19/05 Blink-O-Rama

It's amazing to see what people decide to put on the internet. One guy is fond of pictures of celebrities with their eyes closed.

Now I understand what Ernie's been singing about all these years. (possibly not safe for work)

Social Insecurity - Find out how much less money you'll be receiving under President Bush's new plan.

3/18/05 They Call Me the Working Man...

I've been working insane hours this week. I just got home at 10:00 pm. And I've got to work all weekend. So this is gonna be short.

DUH.

3/17/05 Beard Phobia

I have a new theory as to why I repulse women. They all seem to suffer from beard phobia. And being the manly, hairy sasquatch I am, it's a little overwhelming for them. And ladies, don't worry. There's help in overcoming your fear.

Go to JesusSucks.com and..... (yes, it's safe for work).

I know it's St. Patrick's Day, but my historical fact has very little to do with the luck of the Irish. Instead, it has to do with TP for my bunghole. My people - they have been without TP for too long.

Mr. Popeil, I'm in trouble...

Ugh, another Storm the Castle game.

Another excellent article from Mike... One that gives both us of very little faith in humanity.

3/16/05 Biorhythm Chart

Check your biorhythm chart here. According to this, I am on a physical and emotional upturn, but an intellectual and intuitional downturn. I've already been reminded that I'm more than 10,000 days old. I meant to have a party for my 10,000th day, but I forgot. Oh well, 20,000 is right around the corner.

"A burp is not an answer". "Nerve gas is not a toy". "I am not my long-lost twin". Everything Bart ever wrote on the chalkboard.

At first I wasn't real impressed by this video, then I put myself in their shoes for a few seconds. It looks scary. Real scary.

Is there no end to what you can do with Google searches? Montage-a-google lets you search for images and they'll make a montage of the results. Might I suggest a search on Nachos?

3/15/05 Bored With Music

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3/14/05 Do You Believe in Miracles?

My seven month hiatus ends tomorrow. I finally found a job. It's short term, but hey, it's something. So, if you're wondering why I'm not online during the day, that's the reason.

I don't know what this is. It reminds me of something you'd see in a Tool Video.

Cousin Eric sent this to me. I can't get it to work, but he's right. She's hot.

3/13/05 March Madness

I didn't leave my couch until after 3pm today. I had to stay inside to watch the Illini win the Big Ten Tournament and to watch the tournament Selection Special. I have a bracket set up on fantasysports.yahoo.com, so email me if you need the information to join us.

I'm going to upset more than 60% of the population by posting this article. The other 40% will think, "Yeah, we knew that".

I used to think that my brother owned the record for most flexible fingers. With all apologies, I think this guy has him beat.

Do you use AOL? Their new terms of service are raising some eyebrows.

Acer Laptop available on Ebay - Had some problems in the past with spyware.

For your weekly game, this is the coolest free Shockwave game I've seen on the internet. It's very Doom/Duke Nuke 'Em/Who Wanta Some Wang - esque.

Check out this dance video. It's actually well done in a theater arts kind of way.

3/12/05 Bunch of Bombs in the Air

And the home of the land... And the land of the... FREE!!!

It's hard to believe books like this once existed.

3/11/05 Mouse-Clicking World Championships

How fast can you click your mouse (seriously, no pun intended)? I got into Track & Field position and got 56. Yes, I'm a loser.

A few days ago I wrote about an article by The Sports Guy. He was comparing athletes to rock bands. I finally came up with one....

Not only is Frank Thomas the Pearl Jam of sports, but they also share an almost eerie cosmic bond. Let’s ride their roller coaster of success for a minute. In 1991, the year of Pearl Jam’s breakout album “Ten”, Frank Thomas emerges out of nowhere in his first full season, hitting .318 with 32 dingers, and a staggering 1.006 OPS. Frank redefined “power hitter” by taking 138 free passes that season, just as Pearl Jam redefined rock led by Mike McCready’s powerful guitar outro in “Alive”. In 1993, Pearl Jam’s “Vs.” topped the Billboard Charts for 5 weeks, the same year that Frank Thomas won his first of two MVPs. It was in 1994 where both Pearl Jam and Frank Thomas peaked. Most people forget that Frank was hitting .353 with 38 (on pace for 55) homeruns when the strike cut the season short. Again, an MVP season. People also tend to forget the hype surrounding Pearl Jam immediately after “Vs.” and just before “Vitalogy” in 1994. In the late 90’s, Pearl Jam fought Ticketmaster in the courtroom while Frank was in court with his now ex-wife. With the bar raised by their own accord, both Pearl Jam and Frank Thomas were never able to return to their status of the early 90’s. While many consider their later results to be disappointing, they both have put together pretty impressive resumes. It’s hard to argue against “Given to Fly” and “I am Mine”, but they don’t compare to “Elderly Woman” and “Black”. Frank was runner up MVP to Jason “shrunken balls” Giambi in 2000, but he still didn’t command the same fear at the plate like he did in 1993/1994. Their greatness and unique style has been tucked away in the history books, leaving both Pearl Jam and Frank Thomas (and me) wondering where their once overwhelming support has gone. And now, they are hoping to make the best of what’s left of their careers.

3/10/05 What the Bleep Do We know?

Google Nicki sent me a link to What the Bleep Do We Know? She sent it cuz she's doing work with them. But I checked out trailers for the movie, and it looks great. Well, great if you're into science and the mysteries of life and the universe and nerdy stuff like that.

Spanish Muslims are issuing a Fatwa (religious decree) against Osama bin Laden. This is long overdue. Since September 11th, I've said that the solution to terrorism is simple. The leaders of the Muslim community need to separate themselves from the extremists and state publicly that they do not agree with Osama bin Laden and Al Qaida and that Osama bin Laden is not following the beliefs of Islam. Without this message, it would be like Christians saying nothing about the KKK. That's just as unproductive as giving full support of extreme organizations.

As you can tell, I was in a serious mood today with the facts I found. This one is no different. Alright, don't read ahead. Try and name the top 5 countries that the U.S. imports crude oil from. Here's some help - The top 5 countries account for 69% of all imports. What did you guess? Iraq? Nope, they're #6. Kuwait? #11. Saudi Arabia's the only country in the Middle East and it's #3. The top 5, in order, are Canada, Mexico, Saudi Arabia, Venezuela and Nigeria. So why the "War for Oil"? Something seems counter-intuitive. Oh, and out of the top oil producers? The US ranks 3rd. And Norway ranks 6th. How's that for a "Didja know?" type fact?

For my non-serious comment of the day: I got my Powerball in the mail today. I did better than I expected, but still far short of the record of 15,000+ RPM. I got up to 11,138 and my arm nearly fell off. I'll let you know when I crack major milestones (like 12,000). I'm pretty sure my arm will be in a sling tomorrow from playing with the powerball all day today. But, by summer, my right forearm is going to be extra huge.

3/9/05 The Gift of ADHD

I'll admit it, I'm ADHD most of the time. I think it's more normal than the medical profession says. Now, a Newsweek article now calls ADHD a gift. Go figure.

In an IM conversation today, someone who will remain anonymous mentioned how he still thinks that the 2004 presidential election results were fixed. This fact is for him and anyone else interested in an article from OnlineJournal.com.

I learned that March is National Caffeine Awareness Month. Hooo-Waaah! (Note: That's the noise I make when I'm all jacked up on caffeine).

In an effort to entice me to move back to Chicago, the city is considering going wireless. Throw in a White Sox World Series title, and I'm sold.

The 10 Spot from SI.com cracks me up. It's clever twists on current sports stories. Like, "According to an SI.com report, Vikings coach Mike Tice is being investigated by the NFL for allegedly heading up a Super Bowl ticket-scalping operation within the Minnesota organization. Tice contends he was merely raising funds to feed the family of the Timberwolves' Latrell Sprewell." And, "An Illinois doctor hopes to build a Chicago Baseball Museum by the middle of 2006. The biggest hurdle is finding a location large enough to house all of the city's World Series trophies."

This is the real Mother F**kin' Deal Ya'll.

And finally, The Video of the Week. I could teach you, but I'd have to charge. (Open it in a new window if it doesn't launch when you click it).

3/8/05 Awful Commercials

In a perfect segue from yesterday, I stumbled across AwfulCommercials.com. The blog is dedicated to the crap commercials on TV. I seriously hope they post that financial institution one I mentioned yesterday. I'd also be happy to see that Hillary Duff , liquid mint thingie commercial on there too. And while I'm at it, may I add Gladys Knight playing rugby.

According to BMI, Shaq is obese. At 7 foot 1, 325 pounds, he is only 13 percent body fat. According to the article, almost half of all NBA players are overweight. Basketball players! Skinny, tall basketball players! Maybe BMI isn't a good way to gauge overall health, eh? What happened to percent body fat readings? Or oxygen measurements while doing exercise?

Kids, don't try this at home.

I wish my choir in high school were this cool.

3/7/05 TV Commercials

Once again I have a beef with TV. I forget what I was watching, but some commercial came on for a financial institution. They were selling you on your future financial freedom and a bull jumped through a large pane of glass. The background music was "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac. Which, if you don't know it, is about a nasty breakup between two of the bands' members. The lyrics are:
"And if you don't love me now, you will never love me again. I can still hear you saying, you would never break the chain."
Whoever decided that would be a good idea should be brought out back and shot. In the leg. I would never suggest killing anyone. But this person should be severely punished.

And just now I was sort of watching "Celebrity Fit Club" on VH1. There are 8 pseudo-celebrities who are competing to lose weight with diet and exercise. (Side note: Ralphie May is freakin' hilarious). To me, that's a noble show to put on TV. It promotes weight loss and health conscious eating, which is a wonderful inspiration for everyone watching. And a breath of fresh air from "Nip and Tuck" and "The Swan" and all of those other plastic surgery shows. Then I see a commercial during the show for a caramel sundae. It's moments like that where I'm ready to jab a pencil in my eye to numb the pain of the shear stupidity I have to watch every time I turn on my TV.

What's Special About This Number? - This is a mathematician's wet dream. It explains the significance of many numbers from 1-9999. For example, 6788 is the smallest number with multiplicative persistence 6. 1044 is the number of graphs with 7 vertices. 1033 = 8^1 + 8^0 + 8^3 + 8^3. 762 is the first decimal digit of PI where a digit occurs four times in a row.

Thanks to Jason P. for sending a Texas Hold 'Em Calculator. His books and online resources have helped my game tremendously. So watch out - I'm getting ready for the 2006 World Series of Poker.

3/6/05 Nanaca Crash

Here's a game like Yeti Sports, but different. Oh, those crazy Japanese. I swear to you, I cracked 2000 meters. Once I figured out that the little red crosses could help me, my score drastically improved.

Over its life, a dog costs more than a luxury car. Or a college education. Or a round-the-world cruise.

In a rare, educational post, I found a website called EyeWitness to History. As you'd guess, there are eyewitness accounts of many historical events throughout history.

Finally, for those of you wondering, no, I am not happy that the Illini lost today. I don't think it's a good thing for the team. I don't think losing to Ohio State will make them better. It will only make them appear beatable. On the flip side, they should still get a 1 seed in the NCAA tournament and it's exciting to think they may make the final four for the first time in 16 years.

3/5/05 DiddliddliddlidllidllWHOMMMMmmm....

DiddliddliddlidllidllWHOMMMMmmm....

Once again Bill Simmons writes an excellent article. He compares bands to athletes. It really got me thinking. The Sports Guy writes, "For instance, Springsteen is Larry Bird, the workingman's hero. Guns N' Roses are Doc Gooden, the prodigy who flamed out too fast. The Stones are Ali, the greatest until they hung around too long. The Police are John McEnroe -- gifted, tortured, ultimately unable to keep it together." The point ofthe article is that no athlete can be the U2 of sports. I wish I were 1% as creative as him and could come up with my own example. Alas, I cannot.

For some reason, Defend Your Castle is a popular theme for online games. Here's a new Defend Your Castle.

3/4/05 And Justice For All...

Here's the coolest Pastor I've ever heard of - He says "Metallica echoes biblical message". Darkness. Imprisoning me. All that I see. Absolute Horror. I cannot live. I cannot die...

When 125 years old you reach, look as good, you will not. Mmmm?

Are you spanking it too much? Mark E. Petersen is offering Steps in Overcoming Masturbation.

Dirty Sanchez anyone?

3/3/05 The Funk of 40,000 Years

I have nothing but the utmost praise for this movie I found today. Most people would say that whoever made this has WAY too much free time. But at least this person is putting the free time to use. It's over 10 minutes long, so it's good to watch when you're doing something else, like chatting and checking email. Here it is - Lego Thriller.

Look up "retard" in the dictionary and it says, "n : a person of subnormal intelligence [syn: idiot, imbecile, cretin, moron, changeling, half-wit]". I have sent a letter to Webster's to add the organizers of "World Jump Day" next year. Do they seriously think that, a) it will actually work b) we believe it will actually work, and c) that 600,000,000 people are going to participate?

Also on the list should be Kim Jong Il of North Korea. He wants an apology from the US for designating his country as "outpost of tyranny". Without an apology he threatened to continue long-range missile tests. The irony doesn't even deserve comment.

Have you been wondering what John Stamos is up to? He's performing in cabaret. Click on the picture and you'll get over 7 minutes of pure Uncle Jessie fun.

The "Not Safe for Work Game of the Week" is Boobs, Butt or Shoulder? It's exactly like it sounds and I'm really bad at it.

For the anti-social crowd, there's Introvertster. For everyone else, there's Friendster. I'm having a Friendster competition to see who can amass 100 friends first. I'm at 22. Feel free to join Friendster and help the cause.

I've always liked reading the Guinness Book of World Records while on the crapper. I never really thought I'd be able to make the book myself. As it turns out, I might have a shot - New World Record of 36.

My other blog, Nacho Contest, is back up and running in a somewhat new format. It is neither a contest nor does it have anything to do with nachos. I will now post a thought provoking question every so often, which will hopefully spark some healthy online discussions.

3/2/05 Naughty Words

You can buy personalized football jerseys at NFL Shop. So you can make any jersey with any name and any number (0-99). Well, you can use any word except for these 1,121. My trash talking vocabulary has just quadrupled.

Game O' the day/week/whatever - Disc Golf. Honestly, disc golf is fun. This game sorta blows.

Remember the Simpsons where Homer has his Mr. X Website? That was awesome, wasn't it?

One of the many reasons I can't commit to being a full time teacher - I might go ape shit like this guy. Then some student would video tape me on his video phone and plaster it all over the internet and I'd end up on some worthless blog that's supposed to be about nachos but instead it's about the crazy teacher who insists his students stand at attention during the national anthem.

From the "I can't believe it's not acid" department - A woman can taste sounds.

3/1/05 Assault with a Rubber Band

Happy March! Get it? It's green for both spring and St. Patrick's Day...

A level 4 offense at Liberty Middle School in Florida include "arson, assault and battery, bomb threats and explosives". Now included is Assault with a rubber band.

Remember the guy from Tennessee who got arrested while covered in nacho cheese? In a monumental decision, he will not face jail time. Michael Monn - You are an inspiration to us all.

I like that TiVo can track what people tape and replay. It helps the networks understand what people like to see. This year the most TiVo'd Oscar moment was Jamie Foxx's speech. At the party I went to, they seemed to enjoy replaying some lady's big, fake, shiny boobies.

Case of the Mondays? Here's something you might like.

After years of posting ridiculous facts, addicting games, and other really lame crap, I found an actual blog that has some merit. Eric Alterman posts "Selling a war (honestly)" on MSNBC.com. If you're looking for something funny, this isn't the article you want to read.

And finally, from nerdy fiction to nerdy reality, "Scientific wizards find real cloak of invisibility." Sounds pretty cool to me.