Saturday, January 20, 2007

1/20/07 MotherF*#$in Snakes on a MotherF*#$in Plane

Ok. I get it. "Snakes on a Plane" was so bad that it's cool to say it was good. I was going to link you to Netflix's review page, but it's down right now. There are tons of 5 star reviews with hilarious comments. Anyways, why don't you take my hour and forty six minutes of pain and save yourself the same agony. (Put it this way... This movie made "Lady in the Water" appear Oscar-worthy).

Instead of giving a review (it was like "Airplane!" except it wasn't supposed to be funny), I was trying to figure out how this movie got made. I imagine the brain trust having a discussion like this:

  • Alright, we have a 30 million dollar budget to make the summer's big action movie.
  • That's fantastic! Joe - you're in tight with Samuel L. Jackson. He'd be great for an action movie!
  • He said he'd "only" charge us $9 million if we make the movie in a plane. He's still jealous of Wesley Snipes in "Passenger 57".
  • Great. Bob - Do we have any scripts on hand that take place in a plane?
  • Damn straight we do. I've got one right on my desk and I hear it's just awesome. It even has deadly snakes on board!
  • Wow. Could this get any more perfect? That leaves us with 21 million to spare. What could we possibly do with all that money?
  • Why don't we just advertise? We have $20 million left over - so let's just make lots of commercials. This is going to be the greatest movie ever!
  • Great idea! Go team! Ready, break.

(20 minutes later)

  • Oh shit. We forgot to leave ourselves money for everything else. A set, crew, cast... shit. Oh well, a bunch of no name actors and super shitty computer generated snakes from an Apple IIe will have to do. I wonder if the landlady from "Kingpin" is still around. We'll need her as a flight attendant.


I just found the sexiest thing ever... Harptallica. Two chicks playing Metallica songs on harps.

1 comment:

kyle t. said...

In defense of "Snakes on a Plane," they knew it was going to be kitschy junk when they were making it. That's what makes it better than "Armageddon," "Pearl Harbor," "XXX," et al -- all of which are movies that people actually expected to be *good.* If all ridiculous action films would actually own up to the fact that they're ridiculous (like "Snakes on a Plane" did), I might possibly start seeing more action movies.